Jacqueline's Lesson In (Failed) Recovery

Comfortable

Today is my first day back at school. I have the school excuse and my mom left some of my medication with the nurse, including emergency medicine for a break down. I feel really nervous. I hope Ms. Emma leaves me alone, but knowing my luck Jess contacted her and Evelyn told her of Olivia's attacks. We get on the bus together and I see first hand how bad the bullying is for my sister since I've left. I'm enraged. "Shut up!!!! She hasn't done anything to you!! She has panic attacks, you're going to kill her one of these days!!!!!" I scream. Olivia turns red, tears running down her face. They shut up for a moment before laughing at me. "Says you little Ms. Emotional." the bully teases. I get up to hit her, but Olivia holds me back. "It's not worth it." she whispers. I feel tears sting my eyes as they yell insults. I get off the bus as soon as it stops and I run into the building, not looking where I'm going. I had forgotten about the bullies while I was out, but they're still here. I lock myself in the bathroom as I try to calm down. I punch the wall as hard as I can.
I sink to the floor in defeat. Olivia comes in and knocks on the door. I open it and she steps in, closing it behind her. "Jackie, I can't take it anymore." Olivia whispers. I hold her. "It'll get better." I whisper. She shakes her head, breathing heavily. "Take a deep breath....listen, don't have an attack.....you're okay.......they're just school bullies....they can't hurt you.....it's okay." I say, trying to calm her down. She gasps for air. I put my hand over her heart and feel it's pounding. The bell rings. Then, the announcements start. "Will Jacqueline and Olivia Graham please report to guidance at this time." It says at the end. Now, I have something to panic about. Olivia shakes her head, crying, in a full fledge panic attack. "Come on." I say softly. We go to guidance and wait in the area outside the offices. I couldn't get that lucky. "Oh my gosh!!" Ms. Emma exclaims as she sees Olivia's having a panic attack. "Olivia, what's going on? What caused this?" she asks. Olivia can't answer.
"Olivia, answer me before I call your parents." she threatens. My heart starts pounding. "Just bullies." Olivia says. Ms. Emma's taken back. "How did that put you in this state?" she asks. "It happens. I have attacks like these. I can't make them go away. I have panic disorder. I'm about to start therapy. Please, don't call my parents. I'll calm down!!!" Olivia panics. "Calm down and then you can go to class. Jacqueline," Ms. Emma begins. "Call me Jackie!!!!!" I scream. "Jackie, your therapist told me to talk to you, well she's both of your therapist, but she specified Jackie." Ms. Emma babbles. Oh my gosh, I hate this woman so much!!!! Why won't she just leave me alone?? Olivia's attack is getting worse. I drag her out the room, ignoring the counselor yelling at me.
"Let's get your medicine in you." I say as I guide her to the nurse's office. "She needs her anti-anxiety medicine." I say, sitting her down. "Why?" the nurse asks, sounding bored. "She's having a panic attack!!!" I snap angrily. She gets the medicine and gives it to Olivia. Ms. Emma comes in, as I'm trying to bring Olivia down from the attack with the help of her medicine. I need to call my aunt to come get us. I'm exhausted and can't function, and Olivia needs to be seen by Jess right now. "Let me call an emergency contact, the medicine isn't bringing her down." I say, picking up the phone. "Aunt Meg, come get us from school. Olivia is having a panic attack and I'm an inch from a breakdown." I say, feeling stupid. She says she's coming. I sigh and sit down beside Olivia. "You can go." I say to Ms. Emma. She storms off, clearly annoyed that I'm not receptive. Aunt Meg picks us up thirty minutes later.
"Let's go girls." she says gently, taking us by the arm. Olivia is sobbing, panicked still. "Why hasn't the medicine helped her?" she asks, sounding distressed. "I don't know. Do you know where our therapist's office is?" I ask. She nods. "Go there." I say after she signs us out. Olivia shakes her head, not able to speak, but not ready for therapy. "I know Olive, let's just get you help." I say soothingly as we get in the car with my aunt and cousin. "What's wrong with them??" she asks meanly. "We're sick." I say. "How? You don't look sick and you don't have a fever or headache and you haven't thrown up, you aren't coughing, you aren't sneezing, your stomach isn't upset, you don't have anything wrong. You are faking!!!" she accuses as Olivia cries out from a fresh wave of fear. "I have Bipolar, it means I'm really sad and I want to hurt myself and Livey has a panic attack, she can't breathe and her heart is fast and she's too scared to think." I try to explain. "Liar!!" she screams. I hold Olivia and try to get her to control her breathing. She covers her ears as my cousin starts insulting us. "Shut up Wendy!" my aunt snaps as she sees her daughter is upsetting Olivia.
"Okay, I'll go in with you and then I'll wait during it and I'll take you to my house until your parents get off work." she explains the process, knowing I need information to feel secure. I nod and help Olivia out. "We need to see Jess, it's an emergency." Aunt Meg says. The receptionist nods and calls to Jess. "We have an emergency Jessica!" she calls after a few minutes pass. Jess comes out of her office. "Of course." she says, smiling brightly. She opens the door that separates the waiting area from the counseling area. "Come on back ladies." she says, motioning for us four to follow her. I'm not comfortable with this, but I'm not going to doubt her.
"Now, who's the emergency?" she asks, sitting down and putting a box of tissues in front of us. "Olivia, she's a new patient, paper work is filled out and she was supposed to come tomorrow. She has been diagnosed with panic disorder and she had an attack that her medicine hasn't helped. We came here after it lasted for an hour and I couldn't talk her down. It's still going on." I say, explaining the situation the best I can. Jess smiles. "And who are these two?" she asks, motioning at our aunt and cousin. "This is our aunt Meg and our cousin Wendy." I say, smiling slightly. They smile at Jess. "They're faking sick to come home!" Wendy says rudely as Jess opens her mouth to speak. "Oh really? Well, that's enough out of you. You and Meg can go wait outside." Jess says, standing and opening the door.
"Olivia, you were also taken....out of......my....colleagueship with Evelyn. My caseload is way too high, but I'm going to do everything I can to help you." Jess says, smiling happily. How can she be happy her caseload is high and she keeps taking more? That's not a good thing. Maybe this is the time she does best. Maybe she needs to be in a high stress situation to work best. "Now, I see you're having a panic attack." Jess says. Olivia is rocking, her knees pulled up to her chin. She's chanting something under her breath. "Take a deep breath. You're okay." Jess says. Olivia shakes her head and her breathing picks up as Jess comes closer. I'm not truly comfortable in this situation either, but I can't let Olivia pick up on that or we'll never get her to calm down. "I think this will just have to play out." Jess says as she sits down, deciding not to push Olivia. "Would she want to be sedated to calm down or is she pretty much against that?" Jess asks. I shrug. "Olivia, listen to me sissy, do you want to be calmed down by a shot or something or not?" I offer. "Pl-plea-se" she almost begs. "Sedate her, just don't be too.......pushy about it." I say. Jess nods. She leaves for a minute.
"I'm right here Olivia, I won't go anywhere, you'll be okay even if you feel like you'll die, you won't." I promise. She is rocking and chanting rhythmically now and I feel horrible. Jess comes back in and she sits down. "I'm going to give you a shot of sedative, don't worry I'm a psychiatrist, so I'm qualified. Just roll your sleeve up and it'll all melt away soon." Jess says soothingly. I roll Olivia's sleeve up and hold her close to me. She starts crying harder. Jess approaches her carefully. I rub Olivia's hair and try to keep her distracted. She sits up as she feels Jess sit beside her. Jess is conflicted. "I'll just let you adjust to me being here." she says, putting the syringe down with slow, cautious movements. "What caused this?" she asks. Olivia gasps and she sobs. "Bullies at school." I say. "Oh, that would do it." Jess says, moving very slowly to pick up the syringe. Olivia doesn't notice. "She's sedating you.......now." I say as Jess sticks Olivia's arm firmly. Olivia cries and tries to pull away. She relaxes as the strong sedative calms her down.
"It's okay. You're calming down......great!" I say as I hold her close. She pulls away a few minutes later when she seems to be out of the attack. "I'm sorry, I don't know why I did that. I'm just so stupid." Olivia says. Jess is slightly angered by this. "Don't apologize for having an attack. I'll always be here to pull you out of a panic attack and it's not stupid to have something wrong mentally. It's perfectly fine. Now, let's talk about how to bring your self out of an attack." Jess says. I begin to look down, now that Olivia's back to her almost normal self. "Deep breaths, removal from situation, relaxation, grounding yourself, and just all around talking can relax you." Jess says. Olivia smiles and nods. "Okay, I want you both to go to school the whole day tomorrow even if you have an attack. I'm going to submit this sedative and several syringes to be kept in the nurse's office for your attacks. "Whats going on with you, Jackie?" she asks as I stand and pace, turning red. "You told the school counselor to talk to me. I hate her!! She's annoying and she doesn't understand. I would appreciate it if you didn't force me to talk to her because talking to you is a huge challenge I haven't even been able to do yet." I explain. "Calm down, anger gets you no where." Jess says. "Also, I seem to be a very violent person even though I try not to be. Olivia had to hold me back because I tried to punch the bully. I want to be able to control my anger, but I can't!! I usually do that by cutting, but I was at school and you made me sign that stupid contract. I can't do this anymore!!" I rant. Jess takes my arm, making me sit gently.
"Try next time you're angry to take deep breaths and maybe snap a rubber band on your wrist. Also, try to write or shredding phone books." Jess suggests. I nod and look at Olivia. Her eyes are glazed over and her breathing is catching. "She might be going into another attack." I point out. I'm comfortable with Jess now, I just don't see her as very helpful yet, but I have a feeling she'll be very helpful. "I think you're right." Jess says as a tear leaks out of Olivia's eye. "This time, let's have her try the coping mechanisms I suggested." Jess says. "Olivia, I want you to snap your fingers fifty times while describing where you are." Jess instructs. Olivia does as she's told. "Good, now take deep breaths into this balloon, blowing it up and letting the air our slowly." Jess instructs, handing Olivia a balloon. She does as she said. "Good, now you're calmer. What triggered that one?" Jess asks. "It was the other one continued." Olivia says, slowly calming down. "Well do you see how those techniques can help?" Jess asks. Olivia nods, smiling brightly. I hug her and realize this is a fight that won't be easy, but it's worth it. "Okay, you can go." Jess says. I smile and she walks us out. Meg jumps up and walks us out. "I called your mom, she was a little upset, but she asked if I could take care of you for a month while her and your dad go on a business trip and I said yes. I'll be right here. Let's get your clothes and we'll go to my house." Meg says. I nod and hug her. She hugs Olivia before we get in the car.
"I'm glad I'm staying with you." I say, smiling brightly. "I am too. I have to fill Olivia's prescription for injectable sedation to keep with the nurse at school." Meg says. I shake my head. "Jess said she'll handle it." I say. Meg sighs and we grab our clothes from the house. Our bags were packed and left on the porch. We get them and run to the car. "Let's go to the house." she sighs. I nod and look by at Olivia. This is going to be an okay month if our disorders don't act up and the bullies leave us alone.