Jacqueline's Lesson In (Failed) Recovery

Depressed

Olivia and I have fought everyday for the past two weeks. I hate this so much! I go into my mom's room. "I need to go back to Dr. Tia, my depression is so b-b" I get out before sobbing. My mom holds me as I cry. Olivia comes in and she sits with us also. I let my mom take me to the doctor. I sit in the waiting room, crying softly. A nurse takes me back immediately, not bothering to ask what's wrong. "So, the depression is back. How long has it been here?" Dr. Tia asks. "About two weeks." Olivia says. I nod, tears running down my face. "You should have came in a week ago." she says. I nod. "Have you been in school?" she asks. I shake my head. She looks even more concerned. "I'm putting her on an anti-depressant, known by its brand name of Zoloft and I'm putting her on the mood stabilizer Lithium. Those should help a lot." Dr. Tia explains. I sigh and shrug. She writes them out and sends us away.
I go to the pharmacy and get the prescriptions filled. I go to the car and sit, trying not to cry. "I hoped you wouldn't be on medicine, but if it helps so be it. If it gets worse, I'm putting you in therapy. I'm sorry." Mom says. I shrug and watch the scenery. We take Olivia back to school and get my work. I keep getting my work, but I don't do it. My mom keeps telling me to do stuff, but I can't. I feel afraid of my disorder and start having regular panic attacks. I'm so depressed I don't tell anyone. The medicine doesn't help and it makes my anxiety worse. I pick up my razor in the bathroom and drag it over my legs. I hide it and go to my room. Olivia is onto me though. "Show me your legs." she says. "Show me a warrant." I order angrily. She pulls my pants down to see the angry cuts. "I'm telling Mom." Olivia says. I panic.
My mom drags me to the car, driving me to the doctor office a week after my first visit. "Show me the cuts." Dr. Tia sighs. I shake my head. My mom pulls my pants off and shows the cuts. I'm held down as Dr. Tia cleans them. I scream and try to hit them. "I'm putting her in therapy. Her therapist is amazing! Her name is Evelyn, I know her personally and she is so sweet! I told her your case and she's willing to take you on as a patient." she explains carefully. I sigh and shake my head. "Too bad." my mom says. I shake my head. I turn red and run out. I sit up front and cry. Olivia comes running out. I scream at her in anger. "I hate you! You and mom want me in therapy!! I'm not crazy!! I'm perfectly normal. You don't understand!!!!" I scream. Olivia holds me as I try to hit her and I sob. My mom comes out and she panics as she sees me breaking down. "Dr. Tia!!!!" my mom screams as she runs inside, tears in her eyes.
I come out of my mind set. I calm down and just lay against Olivia, crying my eyes out. "Take her straight to Evelyn's office, she'll be able to help." Dr. Tia says. Olivia lets me go and we drive, rather quickly to Evelyn's office. "We need to see the...we need to see Evelyn, she's my daughter's new therapist and we need to see her NOW!" Mom commands. The receptionist motions for us to walk through the door. "Her office is the one with the green sign on it. She's expecting Jacqueline. You and her have to wait." the receptionist explains. I walk down the hall and knock. The door is opened and a woman, I assume Evelyn, let's me in. I stand near the chairs. "Hi! I'm Evelyn! Dr. Tia told me a lot, but I want to understand you by you. I hope you're great!!" Evelyn says eagerly.
I start breathing heavily and my heart beats very fast. Evelyn backs away. "Is it Jacqueline or Jackie?" she asks. "Jackie." I answer softly. "Jackie, come sit down. I didn't mean to scare you." Evelyn apologizes. I sit down and look around. "It's okay." Evelyn says quietly, sitting in the arm chair. Does she even care? I bet she hates me!! "Hey, Jackie, take a deep breath. I know you have Bipolar, but I don't like labels. I prefer to talk about current difficulties. What do you feel this second?" she asks. I shake my head, tears running down my face. She twirls a peice of copper colored hair. I bet she dyed it to get it that color.
"Jackie, I promise I won't push you. Just speak to me, tell me how you feel so I can help you!" Evelyn says, sighing. I rock, sobbing out of fear. Evelyn is clearly upset. "Talk to me honey. You can trust me." she reassures me. "I'm depressed." I admit. Evelyn looks sympathetic. "I know sweetie, I'll help you." she says sweetly. I look up and carefully observe her for a few moments. She's telling the truth. "What makes you feel depressed?" she asks. I shrug and look at her. "Are you on medicine?" she asks. I nod. "Which ones?" she asks. "I'm on Zoloft and Lithium." I answer softly. "Dosage?" she asks. I shrug. "It's in my bag." I mumble as I pull out the bottles. She looks at them. "Highest dose possible. I don't understand. You're taking the highest doses possible of a strong anti-depressant and the highest dose of Lithium, a powerful mood stabilizer. I'm surprised it hasn't helped. This seems to be severe, not moderate." Evelyn observes.
"I can't help it!!!!!" I scream. Evelyn jumps. "I never said you could, baby. It's not your fault the medicine isn't helping you. I understand it's hard, but it will get better, just be strong." she says soothingly. I'm angry, but I don't know why. "I hate you!!! You don't understand!!!! I want to be happy!!!!! Fix me! I hate therapy, you never tried, you don't even care!!! My break downs are horrible and you can't fix them!!!!!" I scream. Evelyn sits beside me. I push her away and she turns red. I get up and pace, tears running down my face and dripping off my chin. "I can fix them, you just have to let me try." Evelyn says, taking my wrist gently. I pull away. "Jackie, sit down please. I know this is hard, but it gets better. I'll be here. What do you usually do during your depression periods?" she asks. "Cry, c-cut, argue with my sister, skip meals, avoid my family, and stay home from school." I answer. Evelyn looks shocked. "You cut?" she asks softly.
I nod, looking down. "I'll need to be seeing you four times a week, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday, okay?" Evelyn asks. I sigh and look up. "You will never know what's it's like to struggle every day to be happy or keep yourself from taking a deadly risk. You have no idea how hard it is trying not to lash out over tiny things! I struggled with what I thought was normal mood swings for four years! My sister hates me and no one knows. I haven't been to school for two weeks! I can't. You just will never understand." I say before I walk out.