Jacqueline's Lesson In (Failed) Recovery

New Therapist

My mom calls the new therapist and I have to go today. I don't want to go. I feel like it's a mistake, Evelyn was kind of helpful, then she just didn't help as much anymore. I get ready, feeling more depressed than ever. I put my medicine in my purse in case the new therapist needs to see the pills. I sit in the car, waiting for my appointment time outside of the ominous looking building. I go in, telling my mom to leave. I sign in and sit, pulling my legs up, still rattled from last night. "Jacqueline?" a woman asks. I stand up and walk to the door. We walk to a play room like area. She motions for me to sit. I sit, very obediently. "I don't know how much Evelyn has told you. I'm Jess. I'm a certified therapist and I usually don't work with Bipolar teens and my work load is huge, so you're a special case. I just want to help." Jess explains. I nod, feeling exposed and vulnerable. "What mood are you in?" she asks. I shrug, not sure how I really feel.
"How do you feel?" Jess asks. I shrug again. "Jackie, I can't help you if I don't know what you need help with.......and you won't speak to me. Are you upset about Evelyn transferring you?" Jess asks. I nod. "Well, do you know why she transferred you?" she asks. I shrug. I want to say 'kind of', but I can't. My mouth is dry. "K-kind of." I whisper. Jess smiles proudly. All I did was give her a small piece of information and she seems to be proud. "She did it for you.....to give you what you needed. She knew she wasn't what was best for you. I'm going to tell you something that oversteps my boundaries quite a bit, but she called me crying on more than one occasion, asking help with you. She cared and she was distraught when she had to transfer you. She didn't want to, she had to. She is still upset about it, she just...did it for you." Jess explains. I smile.
"Jess, I.....feel depressed." I admit in a hushed tone. She smiles slightly, looking distant. "How about think of what makes you happy. Do you draw or write?" Jess asks. I don't respond. "Jackie....you need to respond dear. For example, I love horses and I love to do arts and crafts." Jess says firmly, while still sounding kind. "I don't really have hobbies." I say softly. "Next time you feel sad treat yourself to a hot bath or draw or listen to music or write. Evelyn gave me a major chunk of information that effected her treatment plan. You self harm. I'm going to write a no harm contract and you have to sign it since she said you tried suicide once." Jess says. I sigh. She gets a piece of paper from a desk in the corner. "Read this real quick and sign it." Jess says. I read the contract and sign it. "Now, you can't cut yourself or try to kill yourself." Jess confirms as she puts it in a folder. I look down and try to shake this awkward feeling.
"Jackie, you can trust me. I'll always be right here......no matter what." Jess reassures me, speaking softly. I sense Evelyn's soothingness in Jess. I bite my lip and try not to cry. I pull my sleeves down and nuzzle into my sweater. "How can you h-help?" I ask, looking down and blushing. "I'll help you cope sweetie. I can adjust your medicine and help you overcome this." Jess says calmingly. I wipe my face with my sleeve and try to calm down. Jess' presence makes me uncomfortable, but I don't know why. "J-Jess............never mind." I say, choosing not to say what I'm thinking. "What is it dear?" she asks. I shake my head, turning red. "Jacqueline, this is a 100 percent confidential area. Nothing you say can be shared. Tell me everything and everyone will know nothing. I promise. Say whatever you want and express every thought in therapy and I can get you through everything." Jess promises. I shake my head. I decide to sit silently the rest of the session. "You can go dear. I'll see you Thursday." Jess says. I leave, feeling worse. I have school tomorrow.
I haven't seen Olivia all day. I go to her room and knock on the door. I hear her crying. I open the door. "Olivia, what's wrong?" I ask. She shakes her head, her mouth tightly closed. "Olive, tell me." I say, using her nickname. She shakes her head. "I'm going to get mom if you don't tell me." I say. She shakes her head, but crawls over to me. I feel her trembling and sweating. "Are you having an anxiety attack?" I ask. She nods. She used to get these when we were little, but they went away for seven years. "Why?" I ask, sounding worried. She shrugs. "Do you remember being little and being in therapy?" I ask. She nods. "How long has this lasted?" I ask. "E-ever since I g-g-go-t home fr-from school." she stutters. That was two and a half hours ago. "Come on." I say gently, standing her up. She falls back down. "Olivia, I'm getting mom." I say. She looks terrified. "N-nothing to do." she whispers. I sigh and walk/drag her to mom.
"She's having a panic attack." I say. Mom takes Olivia by the arm, forcing her into a chair. "Why?" Mom asks. Olivia shrugs. "When did it start?" she asks. "Two and a half hours ago." I answer. "Get in the car." Mom says. "What? Why??" I ask. "She needs to go to the hospital." Mom says. I help Olivia to the car and sit with her in the back. She throws up a few times on the way. "You're okay." I assure her. We get to the emergency room and sign her in. She's taken back immediately. "Let's get her on something for anxiety through an IV and a rebreather mask." the doctor says after checking her heart and oxygen levels. Olivia fights the doctor and nurse as they try to get the IV in. I pin her down firmly, scaring her more. They stab her and get the medicine in. She begins to calm down a little and they are able to put the mask on her without a fight. "Olivia, why'd that attack happen after seven years without them?" I ask.
"People at school were making fun of me. They tripped me and screamed at me, so I ran home and locked myself in my room. That's when it started." she explains. I hug her as she cries. "Olivia, I'm going back to school tomorrow, you won't have anything to worry about." I reassure her because we're in every class together and never leave each other's side. Olivia shakes her head, becoming more anxious. "I'm n-not going!" she cries. "Yes, you are, Olive, you can't do what I did. Running doesn't make anything better." I say. She cries harder. "We want her checked by a therapist before we send her home." the doctor says. Olivia panics more. She was in therapy when she was little and she hated it. "It's okay." I say, trying to bring her out of this state.
Evelyn comes in a few minutes later. "Okay, hi, I'm......oh, you know who I am.....duh!" Evelyn says. "What happened?" she asks. Olivia shakes her head, terrified to speak. "What happened to her, Jackie?" Evelyn asks, wanting to get this moving. "She had a panic attack because people at school made fun of her and tripped her. This one lasted two and a half hours and she's refusing to go back to school." I explain quickly. "Okay, everyone out." Evelyn says. Olivia panics more. "No!!!!!!!" she screams. Evelyn looks unsure. "Who do you want in here?" Evelyn asks. "Jackie!!!" Olivia cries. I sit down and hold her hand as my mom leaves. "Now, what caused you to react this way? I was your therapist seven years ago and you had these for no reason and I got them to go away, why did they come back?" Evelyn asks. I didn't know Evelyn was Olivia's therapist a long time ago. Olivia shrugs. "I'm going to give you something to calm you down dear." Evelyn says, standing up and getting a sedative out the cabinet and a syringe. Olivia sobs, clearly terrified.
Evelyn puts the sedative through the IV, wanting my sister to calm down. "How did your meeting with Jess go?" she asks as we wait for the sedative to work. "Horrible." I mumble as I look at my sister. "I'm sorry, maybe next time will be better. The first session you had with me, you had an anxiety attack. I'm sure this one was better in comparison." Evelyn says, watching my sister try to fight the medicine. I shrug. Olivia finally calms down enough to talk. "Now, Olivia, tell me why it came back." Evelyn says firmly. "Because.......it never went away." she whispers. I gasp and look at Evelyn. She looks shocked. I'm angry and hurt. "You l-lied to me." I say, sounding more hurt than I should. "You never reported more panic attacks." Evelyn says. "I wanted to get out of therapy, I'm sorry!!!!!" Olivia cries. I hug her and wait for her to stop crying. "Well, you're back in therapy. Not with me though. I'm putting you and your sister with the same therapist. Good luck with your panic disorder." Evelyn says, sounding sad.
"You all can leave." the doctor says, giving us information on panic disorder and a prescription for medicine. I sit up front, trying to talk to Mom about what Olivia said. "I knew she shouldn't have been taken out of therapy." she mumbles angrily. I feel afraid of her and Dad. "We will discuss this as a family." Mom says, me and Olivia look at each other with tears in our eyes. When we get home, Dad is not happy. He beats me and Olivia with the belt that has shards of glass and thorns embedded in it. I scream as he hits me as hard as he can. Olivia has gone numb. She's not reacting. We scurry up to our room after the beating is over. I clean Olivia's cuts and she cleans mine. I cover mine with make up and she decides to cover her's with clothing. I go to bed, Olivia snuggled up with me, wiped out from her three hour panic attack. I feel bad from her. This isn't the best environment to overcome mental health problems in. I might tell Jess what happened, but not until it's worse. This isn't too bad. We can handle this.