Jacqueline's Lesson In (Failed) Recovery

Hospitalized Part One

"Call Evelyn!" Olivia screams as I try to hit her, screaming in fear and emotional anguish. Mom dials the number she gave. She picks up immediately. "Jackie is having a break down or something! She's violent and very...vocal. What do I do?" Mom explains. They talk rapidly for a moment. "Can you get her to the car without getting hurt?" Mom asks. Olivia nods and helps me up, she's still very gentle, holding me with as much force as she needs. I'm pushed into the back and Olivia keeps me pinned down as I try to hit myself, I just want to die. We end up in the hospital's emergency room. Evelyn is waiting by the door, clearly worried. She sees me and she becomes panicked.
"Okay, you", she says, pointing at my mom, "go in and get four mental health staff members or security guards, a gurney, and make sure there are restraints and a room on hand." Evelyn orders, sounding calm. My mom runs in and does this as I begin to lash out at Evelyn as she tries to get through to me. I manage to kick her in the stomach as hard as I could before she restrains my feet. The staff members come out, with a gurney that has leather straps attached. I'm taken out of the car, screaming as I'm strapped onto the gurney and my hands and feet are bound to the sides. "You'll be okay. We're doing what's best for you." Evelyn says, trying to rub my arm without getting hit.
I'm taken straight to a room. "What caused this?" a doctor asks my mom. "I'm not sure, we came back from meeting with her school counselor to apply for homebound instruction and she found out she has to go to regular school until then, she got very angry and she, I guess, had a melt down, that led to a break down and this is what happened when she turned violent and her sister couldn't calm her." Mom explains. I try to kick the doctor, but I'm trapped in unfeeling restraints. The staff members keep me held down more because I can still hit and hurt someone. "And you're her therapist?" the doctor asks Evelyn. She nods. "Please, sedate her enough to calm her down to talk to me." Evelyn instructs. "She might be hard to sedate, but you can try." the doctor says, drawing up a syringe of yellowish fluid. I scream at Evelyn not to come near me. She quickly stabs my vein and puts the thick fluid in. I scream in pain and beat my head against the pillow.
I feel myself calm down and I breathe heavily. I gasp a few times and try to hug Olivia. She clings to me, covered in sweat, a little blood, and our tears. Evelyn hugs me also, my mom is disconnected. She hugs me and then looks Olivia over for injury. I look up as Evelyn gently pushes everyone out. "What happened?" she asks, straight to the point. "I got mad. I have to go to regular school and Ms. Emma is not sympathetic, neither is my mom, she asked if I was cured after my session with you today! I hate her and I want to die!!!" I say, tears running down my face. "You should have told me. I'm putting you in the psychiatric hospital that is in the same building as my office, it's right upstairs and I'll be able to take very good care of you." Evelyn reassures me. I cry and pull the restraints. "You have to stay in these horrible things. I'm against restraints of any type, but they're not and you're in their hospital and they seemed needed the moment you were brought in, they can't be released for four hours. We're transferring you in an hour after we finish talking." Evelyn explains apologetically.
"Now, how do you feel?" she asks. "Weird, insane, dangerous, sad, nervous, angry, afraid, untrusting." I list. "You're going to be okay. You're not insane, you aren't dangerous, you definitely not weird and I've dealt with a lot worse. It's normal to be nervous and afraid about going into a psychiatric hospital. I know why you're angry. Why are you having trouble with trust?" Evelyn validates my feelings. "I feel like I'm too different for anyone to understand and I'm going to be betrayed." I answer. "That's perfectly fine and remember the confidentiality rules. Nobody can tell anyone anything unless someone is hurting you. You're in treatment for self harm, so nothing can be told about that." Evelyn reassures me. "Can I tell you something?" I ask. Evelyn nods. "I cut again when....I broke down. I tried to go very deep so I would die. I wouldn't die. I think they may need stitches." I admit, guiltily.
Evelyn looks shocked. "So, even if they weren't deep, should I count them as a suicide attempt?" she asks. I nod, feeling like its bad to be alive. "Where are they?" she asks. "My legs." I cry. She uncovers me and asks me to pull my pants down. I pull them down to show the cuts. "Oh my. I'm sorry sweetie, those do need stitches immediately. They're not deep enough to die from, but very easy to get infected and they won't heal without stitches. I'll get a nurse and I'm technically a doctor, a psychiatrist, but I went into psychology, so I can do stitches, because I have an associates degree in medicine." Evelyn babbles, sounding very uncomfortable.
She leaves for a moment and she comes back in with a mental health nurse. I watch them lay everything out. I feel afraid, I've never had stitches before. Evelyn gets a syringe and she stabs me quickly. I gasp and try not to cry as she numbs my legs. She picks up the sterile thread. She quickly and neatly stitches my cuts closed. "240 stitches!" the nurse points out. I lay back as my legs are bandaged. The nurse leaves me and Evelyn alone. "Now that that's done, why do you want to die?" Evelyn asks, sounding very concerned. "I just don't want to live in a world where no one understands and my depression gets so bad and then I know I might die from a risk I took. My medicine hasn't worked and anxiety came from my disorder, I feel like a burden, so if I died, I would be....safe and my life would be better." I say as my mom walks in silently with Olivia. Olivia starts crying. She didn't know this was a suicide attempt. She just thought it was a breakdown.
"I'm sorry." I sob. The staff members come in and roll the gurney to an ambulance. "Umm.....only two people are allows to ride with her, she picks." a tall man says as he holds the door open. "Evelyn and Olivia." I say, it's an easy decision. My mom doesn't understand these problems and I don't need her to check me in, Olivia knows all my problems and information and so does Evelyn. They get in and the doors are closed. My mom storms away. The ambulance isn't going fast, it's just like a normal car right now. "Let's get some vital signs." an ambulance worker says. I let them check whatever they need before turning to Olivia, who is very pale. "Olivia, I'm sorry, I didn't want to leave you, I wanted to make it stop!" I cry.
"Stop! I'll explain this, I understand perfectly!!" Evelyn says. I start crying, she startled me. She tries to calm me and speak to Olivia. "Olivia.......you're okay Jackie......she wanted to stop the pain.........Jackie, I promise nothing bad will happen.........Olivia, one day this will all make sense." Evelyn says, dividing her attention between us. I lay against the gurney and cry. Evelyn rubs my arm soothingly. I'm taken out the ambulance and brought into the hospital.