Jacqueline's Lesson In (Failed) Recovery

Breakdown

"Jackie, please, calm down. Give me the blade! You can't don't this to us! Please." Meg pleas with me as she walked in on me trying to die. I hand her the blade and crawl into her arms and sob. "You didn't really want to die, you wanted to stop hurting." she points out. I nod. "You have therapy today." she says. "So does Olivia." she says. I sigh and let her bandage my cuts. "I'll have Jess check those." she says as Olivia and Wendy come up behind us. "What is wrong with you now stupid faker?" Wendy asks. I start crying. She laughs and kicks my bandaged arm. I cry out in pain and punch her shin. She hops, holding her leg. I smile and Meg hugs me. I finish getting ready and Olivia carries Wendy out to the car. We put her in her seat and I call the front seat. We ride in uncomfortable one sided conversation, Meg talking enough for all of us. We pull in a minute until my appointment. Meg rushes in, signing me in. Jess is waiting by the door.
"Come on Jackie." she says sweetly, looking at the bandages on my wrist. I feel worried. "Light conversation first or straight into therapy?" Jess asks. "Light." I whisper. "How's your mom and dad's trip?" Jess asks. "I don't know." I whisper. "When do they get back? she asks. "In a month and a half." I answer slightly louder. "Do you miss them?" Jess asks, leaning towards feelings slowly. I shake my head. "We should explore that therapeutically." she points out. I shrug and hug my legs. "How's Olivia been?" she asks. "Not so good. She needs this more than me." I point out, talking normally. "You only feel comfortable talking to me if it's about Olivia." Jess points out. I nod. "Why?" she asks. "Because, then it's not about me and I feel secure because I know it's helping her and avoiding me." I try to explain. Jess nods and sits beside me. I feel myself start to shake.
"Why'd you cut again?" she asks, her voice light. I shake my head, trying not to cry. "Did you try to kill yourself?" she asks, frowning. I don't respond. "What have I told you about responding Jackie?" Jess asks. I sigh. "I had a breakdown......I'm still breaking down. I did try to kill myself. I think the cuts need stitches." I say softly. "Let me see." Jess says gently as she tries to take my wrist in her hands. I scoot away, terrified of what she thinks. "I won't hurt you......just let me see." Jess says softly, almost whispered. Tears burn my eyes. "I'm scared." I whisper. "I know baby. I'm here. I'll get you through the breakdown.........I just need to see the cuts. I'll be gentle." Jess says soothingly as she scoots closer. I let her take my wrist into her hands. They're really cold and they feel good against my cuts. I pull away and cover my face with my hands. Jess firmly takes my wrist back. I bite my lip and try not to cry more than I am.
"Shh.......it's okay.......just undoing these bandages." Jess shushes softly as she unravels the bandages. She looks pale as she sees the cuts. "Oh my........these need stitches. I'll go get a nurse and wound care kit and come back really fast. Just try to calm down a little." Jess says softly, sounding very uneasy. I start crying in terror. Jess rubs my shoulder as she gets up and leaves. Jess and a nurse come in. I've worked myself up even though I've had stitches before and I know it doesn't hurt that much. "Lay down and close your eyes. I'll let you know when we're done. Okay sweetie?" Jess says calmly. I do as she said, trying to trust her. I realize I'm trembling. The nurse pulls my sleeve up more. I cry as they rub alcohol on the cuts. Jess is rubbing my upper arm. "Okay, Jackie, focus on my voice, nothing more. The nurse is about to numb your arm." Jess explains sitting beside me. I find her hand and hold it, squeezing it when I feel pain. "Shh.........shh.............it's okay............it's alright...........relax............the medicine burns, but it'll fade away soon." Jess soothes. "Great. Let's talk while we wait for that to be numb." Jess says. I sit up and look into her eyes. I wipe my face and look carefully at Jess. "How does it feel to trust me?" she asks. I smile. "Great, you're actually really nice and helpful." I say happily. "Now, we have to write a new contract and schedule an extra visit to talk about your family." Jess points out randomly.
I groan and lay against her. "Is your arm numb?" the nurse asks. I shrug. She sticks me with a small pin and I don't feel it. "Stitch the cuts closed Jessica." the nurse says. Jess gets me to sit up. I voluntarily let her hold my arm. I close my eyes tightly. "Thank you for being so sweet. Jess, what made you want to be a therapist?" I ask as I feel the tugging of stitches. "Umm.........my mom was a therapist, I was raised like to be a therapist and I kind of felt like I was predisposed to be a therapist because I was the friend everyone went to with a problem. I'm so glad I did because I see lives changed everyday and yours is one I know I can change. It will just take time." Jess explains. I smile and open my eyes. I feel afraid suddenly. "You're alright! It's okay to be scared." Jess aye reassuringly. How did she know I was scared?
"How did you know how I feel?" I ask as Jess finishes the last stitch and my arm is bandaged. "I can read your body language, I didn't spend ten years in college to not be able to read emotions and body language, now, let's work together to make a safety contract before I have your sister come in." Jess says, checking her watch. I groan and look at my bandages. "You're good at wrapping bandages." I mumble. Jess giggles and gets a piece of paper from a pack on her desk. "Now, we need to find an agreement. You cut and try to kill yourself. How about our agreement is when you feel suicidal you have to call me and wait for twenty four hours and if you still feel like dying, then you go to the hospital. If you want to hurt yourself, text me go talk to someone and wait out the urge. Just.....go somewhere you can't. Promise?" Jess writes. I sign it and lay against the couch.
"Good girl, now let's go get Olivia." Jess says, putting her arm around me. I lay against her. "Olivia." I say as I open the door. She stands up and I go to sit down. She grabs my arm and pulls me with her. I sigh and let her cling to me as we walk back into Jess' counseling area. I sit Olivia down and she curls up closer to me. "She's a shell of her former self." I point out. "How many attacks has she had since yesterday?" Jess asks. "Two." I answer. "Okay, was she able to bring herself out of it or did you help her or was medicine used?" Jess asks. "It was a combination of those." I say. Jess nods and writes that down quickly. "How're you doing Olivia?" Jess asks gently. Olivia bites her lip and she looks up. Jess smiles friendlily. "Horrible." Olivia whimpers. Jess motions for me to move. I slide over and she takes my spot beside Olivia. This triggers a panic attack in my sister. She hurls herself at the wall, making impact loudly.
I try to calm her from where I'm at. "Livia, calm down. Breathe in and hold it and out. You're okay." I say softly. Olivia covers her ears as Jess tries to speak. I put my hand on her arm, silencing her. She smiles at me. "Olivia, I'm going to get your medicine from Meg, try to talk to Jess." I say. I run down the hall and into the waiting room. I take Meg's purse and run back in. Olivia is crying and hitting her head as Jess tries to get close to her. I pull her out the room. "Jess, you need to push me like that, but if you push Olivia in this state she will resent you forever, please just calm down a little....okay, calm down a lot. She's very delicate and you need to respect her a little bit to get her to open up." I explain. Jess nods, looking grateful. We go back in and find Olivia almost normal.
"Removal from the situation! That calms you down a lot." Jess points out. Olivia nods. I run back out and give Meg her purse back. I go back in and see Olivia drawing. Jess smiles and sits beside Olivia. I sit on her other side. She looks up and smiles brightly. "How do you feel during an attack?" Jess asks. "Terrified, in danger, untrusting, trapped, like I have to get out......dizzy, sick, weak, shaky, very panicked." Olivia describes as she ,says her head on the table. I smile and look at the picture. It's a tiny version of my sister and this giant monster looming over her. I realize this is how she feels with her disorder....and how I feel with mine. "How're you feeling, Jackie?" Olivia asks. "Don't worry about me." I say softly. "She's still depressed, but she's going to try a new drug combo to see if it gets better." Jess points out as she hands me a piece of paper with a prescription on it. "Try her on new medication also." I say. "Her medicine works half way. Jackie, I still want you to talk to Emma. It will really help if you give her a chance. Now, both of you go to school. See you next week girls." Jess says. I take my prescription and Olivia's drawing and see Meg trying to get Wendy to sit down. I shake my head and sign out. We go out to the car and I see our school bags are in here.
"Jess wants us at school." I mumble. Meg nods and drives to the school. She signs us in and I hang back to talk to the receptionist for a minute. "Hey." I say sadly. "Hey sweetie, how're you doing with your disorder?" she asks. I decide to be coy. "I'm doing horrible. Can I be honest with you?" I ask as I hand her our excuses. "Of course." she says. "I've tried to kill myself from my Bipolar Depression three or four times." I admit. "I know, Ms. Emma was telling me about it and to keep an eye out for you and Olivia. How's she managing her panic disorder?" she asks. "A little better, just a tiny hair. I'm about to be on a new medicine and my therapist wants me in school......and she wants me to talk to Ms. Emma. The last one is NOT happening." I explain. Mrs. Renee looks guilty. "What did you do??" I ask. "I kind of made an appointment for you with her at recommendation of Jess." she rambles. I see red.
"What time?" I sigh, feeling angry. "Last period." Mrs. Renee says. I take the pass with my appointment and my late note. I rush to class and plop down beside Olivia. She's shaking and hiding her face. I tap on her and she looks up. She's red and crying. I hug her really quick and try to get caught up in the lesson. "Welcome back Jackie!" my science teacher says. I smile and nod. People boo me and throw paper. I stop smiling and I look at my lab papers. "Leave Jackie alone." she says. I glare at her. She shrugs and I do my work. Olivia is getting into a panic attack. It's almost lunch time and I can calm her down if I can get her out of the situation. The bell rings and I pull Olivia into an unused classroom. She pushes me out and closes the door. I decide to use the restroom and then check on her. I go to the room and slip in. She's calmer now and she looks embarrassed. I just now notice her black eye. "Olivia, who did this, I want a name." I say firmly. She shakes her head, her attack escalating again. I pull her out and decide to see the principal about this.
She tries to pull out of my grip. I go into the office and find the principal's office. "Mr. Martin, we've been bullied. My sister has panic disorder and these attacks are very triggering for her." I say, sounding confident. The man looks up at me over his glasses. "Sit down girls, let's file a report. Have a parent or guardian to come to this meeting?" he asks. My mind goes to Meg. "Our temporary guardian, our aunt, can I call her?" I ask as I look at Meg. He nods and hands me the phone. I call Meg and she is getting upset over rushing everywhere. She's here in half an hour, by then Olivia has settled down completely.
"Let's get this reported so your aunt can go home." Mr. Martin says. I nod and hug Meg as she sits down. "The bullying is severe, she's tried to kill herself and she was hospitalized for a few days and this has to end now." Meg says, holding my hand, an arm around Olivia. Olivia nods. "Bullying triggers my attacks." Olivia admits. He nods as Meg fills out the form. "Okay, thank you, action will be taken, you girls get to lunch." Mr. Martin assures us. I smile and we go to the library and read during lunch. The next class flies by and then I realize the end of the day is approaching rapidly. I lick my lips and look at Olivia. She smiles and puts a comforting hand on my arm. "Want me to go with you?" she asks. I shrug. "Are you allowed?" I ask. She shrugs. We switch classes a while later. It says at the beginning of my last block on the slip. I dig it out of my purse.
Olivia walks up to me and I show it to my art teacher. She nods and looks at Olivia. "What do you need Olivia?" she asks. "I need to go with my sister." she says anxiously. Do we have separation anxiety? Is it bad d for us to need to be together all the time? The teacher sighs and shakes her head. Olivia tears up. "Just go!!!" the teacher shouts, making Olivia jump. She leaves, looking afraid. I touch her arm and pull her into a hug. The art teacher is horrible! I walk to the offices, Olivia encouraging me. I sigh and knock on the door of Ms. Emma's office. If this is what Jess wants she won't be surprised if it goes badly. I'm glad Olivia and I took our stuff because we might be here a while. "Hi, Jackie, dear, come in. Olivia, please go back to class." Ms. Emma says. This makes me nervous. "Either both of us or none of us." I state. She shakes her head. "Olivia, go back to class!!" she says firmly. Olivia leaves, turning red. "Now, Jackie, come in." Ms. Emma orders. I do as she says. "You know Jess wanted me to talk to you about ways to cope with school. She also revoked your request for homebound education. I know about your self harm and suicide attempts. Don't try again, more people care than you think. Something she didn't mention is your separation anxiety. She probably didn't know as you're probably not fully comfortable discussing everything with her or you didn't realize it yourself." Ms. Emma begins. This is going to be a long fifty minutes if this goes on like this.
"Shut up!!!! Just shut up! You don't understand and I cope just fine during school with my disorder, not the bullies!! My sister can't cope during school she has constant panic attacks and all you do is make them worse!! I'm only talking to you because Jess said I had to! I tried this one time, open minded as long as my sister was with me, but you sent her away, so I closed my mind, leaving it partially open, but now, completely close minded. I'm not doing this, it isn't going to help. Have a good life!" I rant. I stand and try to leave. The door is locked. "You locked me inside you're office." I say, in disbelief. "Do you know how bad my temper is?" I ask. Ms. Emma nods. "Now you have to be in here the whole session.
I pace, not speaking. "You will meet with me last block every day until you open up and give me a few tidbits about you." Ms. Emma says firmly as the final bell approaches. I shake my head. "You want a few tidbits, I'll give you three. I tried suicide multiple times, I cut, and I don't do good in therapy. Let me go." I order. Ms. Emma narrows her eyes, growing irritated. "Those were things I knew. Tell me something I don't know." Ms. Emma says. "I've been in a mental hospital." I say, knowing she knows that. She groans and glares at me. "I love to sing." I admit softly, not even Jess knows that. "Are you any good?" she asks. I shrug. "Sing a few notes!" Ms. Emma urges, smiling brightly.
I bite my lip and look around. "I'm stepping into the spotlight to say, be brave, be brave, even when you feel like there isn't any hope, be brave, be brave, nothing hurts more than being in doubt." I sing, sounding confident. Ms. Emma looks shocked. "Fantastic voice!" she praises. I look down, turning red. "Did you write that?" she asks. I nod. "Use that to cope." she says as the bell rings. She unlocks the door and I get my stuff and rush away.
I'm not a good singer, she's just saying that. I rush to the bus and hug Olivia, crying. "What happened?" she asks. "She locked me in her office until I told her something about me she didn't know. She found out I sing. She thinks I sound good. She didn't mention the other things and she was very frustrated, I'm not talking to her again." I explain. Olivia hugs me. "I had a panic attack in art." she whispers. I hug her and let her cry on my shoulder. "I got it to go away mostly by doing what Jess told me to do." she says as our bus is called. I smile and hug her.
"You're getting better sis, these break downs happen, but we just have to deal with them." I say, smiling as we step onto the bus and sit down. She hugs me. The bus ride is longer than normal and Olivia falls asleep on me. I rub her hair as the ride goes on. When we get home I pull my phone out and text Jess. She's very happy I talked to Ms. Emma, but she's a little upset about my 'temper tantrum' in her office. I sigh and throw my phone on the couch. This is my life.