Caught In Your Chaos ✓

Chapter Seventy-Eight

Jacob

She's my redemption. I was sure of that. Her serene existence, her wild and carefree heart, and her beautiful, beautiful soul were all that I had been missing. I needed her more than she did. Sitting beside her that night, feeling her warmth on my palm, which she held, oh so lovingly, I realized how crazy I was to let her go.

But could I be that selfish person? Shouldn't it be considered another self-preservation act to let her into my dark soul?

I couldn't forget what I snatched from Anna. She would never grow old. She would never be the doctor she wanted to become. She would never find love or marry the love of her life, she would never have children, and she would never be beside me as I would have all of them.

There is nothing as painful as to be happy when each smile has been stolen from someone else. Anna wasn't supposed to suffer the loss nor the stranger who damned along with her. Was it his fault? Maybe it was but could you put all the blame on a dead person and bear none yourself.

I stole a glance at Amy, sleeping on her side facing me, with my palm pressed against her cheek and hair tickling my forearm. The duvet had slipped a little lower, and I squeezed my eyes tightly to avoid admiring her smooth skin that peeked through my shirt. My shirt, she was wearing my smell, and that made her closer to me. I pulled the shirt down to cover up her stomach. The moment my knuckles brushed her skin, she stirred a little, and my senses heightened. I covered her quickly and pulled back my hand.

You see, that was the impact she had on me. It was attraction, love, desire, and passion all blended into an intense sense of possessiveness to never allow anyone else to be in the same position as me. The hand she had allowed me to hold against my heart had a tight grip on my sweater. It was as if she stopped me from running away from her. Believe me, Amy. If I deserved you, I would have never let you go.

I adjusted myself to lay down beside her, making sure to have enough distance between us. She was the fire, and I could feel her flames even when I was away from her. She was the fire, and I was the moth. And like a moth to the flame, I found myself drowning in her. A clap of thunder roared outside, and she held me more tightly, flinching slightly in her sleep. I found myself placing my hand over her, the one she had fisted in my sweater. She relaxed a little, she felt safe with me, and I had seen that trust in her eyes.

The steady rise and fall of her chest conveyed how much faith she had in me. My love, she owned the whole of my heart. I had realized that I had never felt it ever before. That feeling was much more raw and intense than any other feeling.

"You have my heart, Amy," I mumbled near her ear, wishing my voice followed her to the dreamland. I placed a feathery kiss on her forehead, then to her nose, and suppressed my urge to pull her in my arms.

And as I inhaled the sweetness of coconut through her hair, I promised myself not to trade what she deserved with what I desired. She was stubborn to love me, but so was I to not be selfish. Why should I let her down that road of pain?

It's not about the goodness in you. Most of us aren't evil by birth or aren't evil at all. Even the nicest of people cause pain to their loved ones. And we, the ones with flawed hearts and souls, can't help it. We infiltrate our darkness, and we aren't careful with people we love, certainly not with the ones we don't. I didn't want that person to be anywhere near Amy. Yet, I couldn't help reaching out to her.

When I next opened my eyes, I was still in my bed. The storm outside had settled, but I could see the drizzle through my window. There was no sign of the sun showing up in the sky, and the black clouds shrouded the brightness of the day.