Caught In Your Chaos ✓

Chapter Eighty-Five

Brinda's last wish was to be in the same cemetery as her son. It didn't rain during the funeral, but the heavy clouds in the California skies were enough to add the gloominess. Coincidence, I suppose, but it somehow emphasized the cloudy shades on the faces that had gathered at the cemetery, especially the person standing by my side.

Jake was purposefully silent. His soul seemed to shut off, hiding somewhere even I couldn't reach. His eyes never once left the grave throughout the ceremony. There weren't many people attending the funeral except the members of the Retirement house. As my eyes swept through the perimeter, I saw Sebastian standing beside Jake's father, who surprised us with his visit.

I could read the discomforted and calculative look on his father every time some guest shook hands with Jake and shared their condolences. I was on my guard too. He was doing fine, at least in concealing the real emotions.

The emotions ran wild after Brinda's death. The sudden memory had me reaching out to hold Jake's bicep tightly as if to pull him towards me. He sure was reeling away from me, from himself, and everything. He was going away, and I didn't want him to, not when I had just found him, not when he wasn't a thing anymore. He had become everything.

"She's in peace now, Jacob," I said, leaning my head on his shoulder. They were stoic, tension pulsing through his body.

"I wish she is, but I know she isn't," he clipped, still looking at the grave or graves. Mother and son, resting in peace together. I gulped down the choked sob, and my gaze locked with Seb, who flashed me a reassuring smile. We both knew that Jake was holding on through a fragile thread, ready to snap any moment. It sure wouldn't be some crazy escapade to girls, parties, and fights like before. It would be much worse this time.

"She forgives you," I had to look into his charcoal irises which looked so cold and disconnected. They were supposed to have that fire, the fire which warms my soul. "You've to do the same. You have to forgive yourself."

I stressed out each word so that he would know the seriousness in them. He shouldn't go on like that. It wasn't fair. Life gets ugly sometimes, but it doesn't remain like that forever. If there's anyone who can save you from the darkness that surrounds your happy moments, it's you. It will always be you.

"I can't," he rested his forehead against mine. The guests had already left the premises. It was just us alongside two other men who stood at a hand's distance. Nicolas gave a stuttering look as if he wished to be the one to comfort his son. I could see a shift of emotion in his eyes as they metered Jake's state for a second, then he gave me a nod and patted Seb's shoulder. Both the men left the cemetery after the last of the guests.

"You know I can't." He breathed. His warm breath fanned over my sensitive skin. When I willed myself enough to look at his face again, I saw his glassy eyes and felt the hurt radiating through every inch of his body. "When you lose someone, someone you're trying to hold on to but you can't, you can't just stop them from leaving. You exist. You survive with a missing part of your soul. Because you know, you are the reason they don't exist. Every day you smile, laugh, and live- that hole in your heart only gets bigger. And you walk around with emptiness for the rest of your life, knowing you have borrowed those moments, you have stolen those moments."

I blinked my glossy eyelashes and finally placed my shaking hand on his cheek. "Life doesn't work on a reset button, Jacob. Although the memories of your mistakes will always haunt you, you can fill that hole in your heart with forgiveness. You once said I'm your savior, your muse, but I'm not. Only you can save yourself. Save yourself for me. You have to fight for your happiness. You've to find your happiness so that we can be happy together."

His cheeks were warm and smooth under my palm as I brushed his skin lightly. I couldn't let him give up. He shut his eyes, tears moistening his long dark eyelashes, and I traced a drop with my thumb.