finding my way

The crisp breeze blows the leaves on the tree above me all around. I took the boys home and walked up to the swing me and Jason always have our deepest talks and share our innermost secrets unknown to the rest of the world.

I'm swinging back and forth thinking about the time I was 7 and Jason was 8 his dad hung this swing up for us, it was a warm summer day, my mother was worried,because the tree we hung it from is by a large drop off if you stand at the edge and look down you see a river.

she was scared to death I would swing over and fall off. Jason would tease me saying he loosened the ropes on the swing so I would fall.
I knew he did it just so he could swing instead of me, but I didn't care it made him happy.
eventually he grew out of the habit of telling me his lies of loosening the swing.
Then when we were 14 and 15 he slowly stopped coming to the swing life got in the way, I would still come up here to study or think, .always having that small hope of maybe he would show up and tell me one of his silly old tales,he would just make things up, he swore he was a prince in another life and I was his queen, how we ruled the world, I would remind myself of these stories everyday.

"Jess?" my thoughts are interrupted by the voice I was fondly remembering.

He standing out in front of me staring at the swing I'm sitting on. I see in his eyes he's thinking of the same things I was just moments ago.

"If I could go back to the former life where I was you queen and you my prince I would" I say standing from our swing.
his eyes shoot up to meet mine, "Jess .. please.." his eyes are watering his voice cracking. "Jason you wanted to talk so go ahead I'm done yelling, fighting and god I'm so done crying. so don't stand here and make me feel like any of this is my fault." I'm as serious as can be.

"Ok." he says

"I screwed up, my life is a wreck and it took me sometime to figure out why and I'm blaming you." he pauses "I'm blaming you because you were the glue you were the answer, my conscious, my every thought, you were my best me , everything i wanted to be. you made me, and the day you told me you loved me I didn't know what to say because I hadn't fully excepted the fact that plain and simple love was our common ground everything we have is love . I look at you and you are my better half , I take you away and I'm nothing. you see the good in me when I am the meanest rudest person in the world to you, and somehow you still manage to tell me it's gonna be ok. but I can't be with you.." he finishes

Staring at the grass expecting tears that aren't coming, but the pain I'm in is excruciating.

I have no words he's left me speechless. before I know it I'm starting to walk away. the damage is done I should ask why he can't and yell at him for saying all those wonderful things and using them to hurt me.
but I've finally learned with him no matter what I ask or say or do he always leaves me needing to know more, always leaves me with a wound to be healed, all my weakest spots all my old scars are open and all I can think is how lovely and rare is a friendship to have lasted so many sweet years and all I can feel is content and lucky to have had what I did and let it be.

Love is a funny thing I laugh to myself,

I thought love was holding hands, kissing, dates, sex, marriage,ect. but I was wrong love is the fact that I will look back one day years from now and think fondly of this boy who utterly made me, me, as well as completely broke me apart until there was nothing left.
love is all consuming and thinking of yourself and the other person as life long friends even if you don't Speak again for the rest of your life.
loving him is what I'm doing right now as I walk away knowing all I want to do is run back to him.

I turn around smiling knowing he was my childhood, he was my best friend, he was my first love and my first heartbreak. And this is our last goodbye, and I regret nothing.

Love is getting on the swing knowing the ropes might be loosened.

THE END