finding my way

Caseys little sister maddie ^^

No eye contact was made, except between Jason and the pink haired girl, who's name I now know to be Casey. They've been flirting all night. he hasn't said one word to me I'm not jealous but I feel so excluded. my brothers left twenty minutes ago to go play with Casey's little sister Jane. As I look around I notice mom talking with mrs. Ashly. I stopped trying to make conversation a while ago so I've been tuning into my own thoughts. poor Peter. I wonder what he's doing right now? if he's feeling worse than I do about this whole thing. I feel myself getting emotional, as I'm about to excuse myself and thank everyone for dinner I notice they are so tuned into each other they won't even notice my leaving.

I was right unnoticed I left. I'm sitting on a big wooden swing under a live oak it's sitting right on the edge of a hill so when you swing you feel like you're flying, unstoppable, independent. I used to hide up here when I was younger. when I needed peace or to clear my head. no one would bother me here. me and Jason would have camp outs here during the summers it was to hot to sleep but perfect for staying up late and making shapes with the stars. those days were so simple, easy, no pressure just fun. now life is complicated, hard and their is so much pressure constantly. as I swing my thoughts wonder back to those late summer nights. I miss that little girl. I miss the old me the fun, easy going, anti drama me now it seems like it's always something.

"I guess we're still mad at each other?" The voice behind me says. As I slow down the swing a turn around Jason is standing there alone under the night sky. I don't know how to answer him I'm not mad I'm just confused. "no.. I'm not mad, it's just been a rough day." I honestly answer. "Well I'm sorry" he says as I get off the swing to stand by him, "why?" I ask curious about witch thing he is apologizing for, "I'm sorry about not talking to you in there at dinner.." "That's it? that's all you're sorry for?" I might sound rude but he's hurt me a lot and he's sorry for not talking to me at dinner? "Whoa calm down all that other stuff was just a mistake" ouch kissing me was a mistake. wow. just wow. "well Thanks good to know.." I'm done. "Jess wait. I'm sorry I didn't mean kissing you was a mistake... I just I wish I hadn't done it." he says as I'm about to walk away. I have no words. "well I wish you would have told me this yesterday." is all I can say "what? why?" he ask " I broke up with Peter because I thought we had something but I guess I was wrong.." my voice cracks as the tears prick my eyes. "what? Jess I'm sorry. I didn't know you thought that much into it.." "well I did. but I know now I would never want to be with you because you only care about yourself and I'm just a "mistake" so ill just leave you to screw up and I won't be here for you waiting after school, when all the girls leave you and you need a friend. I've done everything for you been your best friend and somewhere along the way I fell in love with that little boy who would make shapes in the stars but today I'm leaving you to fight your own battles Jason. good luck and goodbye." I've said more in these past ten minutes than I've said all week. as I walk down the hill towards my house my tears run freely down my face. Jason stands back on the hill saying nothing. I choose not to dwell on it I'm done dwelling on his every motion. done waisting hours waiting till I see him. done thinking of him. done.

Tomorrows a new day but for tonight I'm gonna cry and be alone in my room.