Kneel

Case 51

  Laying curled up in bed with Morningstar, I pet him as he was purring and had a paw draped over my wrist. I was having trouble sleeping, but the black cat didn't seem to mind. My thoughts were a never-ending storm going back and forth as I mentally argued with myself.

  I could feel that, regardless of what I told myself, the walls were going back up. I didn't know what to do or what to believe. So I just laid there with Morningstar while thinking even though I should be sleeping.

~

  "I didn't see anything. It's hard to in this thing. You wanna try it on? It's a little smelly, but you'll see what I mean."

  "Pass." I said while looking down at the giant mascot head. "You wanna try?" I turned to look at Chloe, and she made a face as she paused her writing.

  "No, I'm good."

  "Hi." I turned back to see Lucifer awkwardly standing there. "I was surprised to get your text." His gaze drifted to Chloe, and I mentally kicked myself. Of course, Chloe would text him about the new case. Why wouldn't she? I didn't tell her jack shit about what happened.

  "I'm actually surprised to see you here. I sent that text four hours ago. I didn't think you were coming. You know, boring case or whatever reason you tend to use." Chloe waved her pen to gesture around the football field. Lucifer furrowed his brows while looking a little confused before he glanced at me.

  I rubbed my brow while my other hand was on my hip.

  "I didn't tell her."

  "Ah."

  "Tell me what?" Chloe made a face as she looked at us.

  "Some....stuff happened between us."

  "Stuff being I got called an idiot....twice." Lucifer muttered.

  "Yeah, well, you were being an idiot."

  "I was being honest."

  "Okay, do you two need a minute?" Chloe asked before grabbing the mascot to walk away. "I'm just gonna give you two a minute."

  "If it's going to be a problem having me here, I can go back home." Lucifer said while looking down at me.

  "No, it's fine. Well, no, not fine, but...." I sighed while rubbing my face with my hands. "It's frustrating. I open up to you, and then you tell me you're incapable of love and- It's a lot for me to work through, Lucifer."

  "So is this you telling me you need space?"

  "No." I raised my hands as my face scrunched up. "Look, it's hard to explain. I....I honestly think you saying you're incapable of love is bullshit, I really do. However, and I'll be brutally honest here like you asked me to, I'm just not entirely sure you love me. I'm pretty fucked up, and I'm working on it, but one of the problems I have is finding it difficult to believe someone could actually care about me, let alone love."

  Lowering my hands into my pants pockets, I then heavily sighed.

  "I'm really fighting how badly I want to put all the barriers between me and everyone else back up. You, uh," I scoffed while dropping my gaze to the ground. "You were a huge part in helping me take those down. I'm upset, sure, but it's mostly at myself."

  Lucifer was quietly listening as I talked, and even though I had stopped, he was still quiet. I chewed the inside of my cheek, wondering if I really should have told him all of that.

  "Misha, I'm so sorry."

  "Yeah, you already said that. I, um, just need to work through the mess." I stated while pointing at my head. "But I don't want you to leave. That much I can tell."