Kneel

Case 60

  "Imp! We need to talk!" Lucifer swung my front door open while looking shaken up. He didn't even bother to knock, and I sighed through my nose while holding my coffee.

  "Please don't tell me you changed your mind again. We finally had a breakthrough last night."

  "What? No. No, no, this isn't about the God thing." Lucifer waved his hand while shutting the door.

  "Then what's up?" I asked as I brought my mug to my lips, but then I saw how he was acting nervous. "....Is it Dan?"

  "No, he's fine. Well, as fine as he can be. Um, I'm trying to think of another way to say this, but I can't find a polite or easy way to ask. So.... When you were on medical leave after Pierce shot you, you didn't happen to pop out a freaky angel baby, did you?" Lucifer waved a finger at me, and I spit out the coffee in my mouth.

  "What?!"

  "Did you have an angel baby while on leave or not?"

  "Why would you even think that?" My face twisted with confusion from how absurd his question was.

  "Well, Misha, you're the only sexual partner I've had since we got together-"

  "Lucifer, I'm not the Virgin Mary. We weren't even having sex when Pierce was around. Hell, didn't even get to have sex until Eve was gone." I scoffed, then paused as my expression changed again. "Wait, what the fuck is even going on?" Lucifer took a deep breath before answering.

  "An angel broke into my penthouse last night claiming I was their father." He gestured to himself while sliding his other hand into his pocket. "Absurd, I know, angels can't procreate with humans-"

  "Hold on, hold on. Out of all the sexual partners you've had, you thought I was the one to pop the kid out?"

  "I mean, she has red wings, and you've got red hair." He waved his hand toward me, and I had to set my mug down.

  "You know sure as shit that's not how genetics work, Lucifer."

  "I actually bloody don't! I haven't a clue how angel genetics work, 'cause if you haven't noticed, we're quite diverse despite all being siblings."

  "Okay, how old did she look?"

  "Uh, early 20's maybe?"

  "....So let me get this straight. You think I somehow had a child before we had sex, kept them a secret, and they age faster than a fucking mayfly?"

  "I don't know! Look, all I know is she is not one of my siblings and is claiming that I'm her father. We all know angels can't have children, except Amenadiel, but he was mortal when it happened, so it doesn't count."

  "So then what's the issue?"

  "Well, you're clearly not a normal mortal, now, are you?" Lucifer was pacing now. "She's also a little sadist with a resting mean face like you, so I don't know."

  "Oh, my- Listen to me, Lucifer. You keep saying it yourself- Angels can't procreate with mortals. You can't with demons either, can you?"

  "No, absolutely not. But...." He froze while his eyes widened as if he was having an epiphany. "We've been having unprotected sex the whole time you've had divinity. Oh, my me! You made me fertile!" Lucifer pointed an accusing finger at me.

  "Oh, don't you try to put this on me! You're the one who was shootin' your load everywhere."

  "Well, excuse me, but I've been shooting blanks until now, thank you very much."