With Your Heart Wide Open

Goodbye, I Guess

Esther zoned out during the short service. She ignored Pastor Harris' rehearsed sermon and the fake sobs that surrounded the place. Instead, her eyes glared at the sun, which was shining too bright for her liking. She wanted the world to collapse. She wanted nature to scream, to slow down, to do anything that would mirror what she felt inside. 

Even from the back, she could see her mom standing alone next to the pastor. Weird, she thought. It was easier to picture this fervent sister surrounded by her siblings in Christ who would be uttering comforting words that she already knew or reassurances about the afterlife that would be irrelevant for the moment.

After what felt like forever, the moment that Esther was waiting for came. Pastor Harris told the audience that they were more than welcome to say a few words about Brother Richard Marcelin.

It was not surprising when Stephen volunteered. He always did, whether he knew the deceased or not. He stood up front, facing everyone with a piece of paper in his right hand.

"Greetings, everyone. It could have taken a while, but we all ended up knowing Brother Richard. At first, he might have come up as shy and distracted, but it would take one conversation to know how deeply he cared and how loyal he was to everyone he called his loved one."

A lady screamed in the assembly.  Esther rolled her eyes. She didn't need to turn around to know who it was. Sister Rosemary. Not so long ago, Esther heard her saying that her dad might be missing some of his male organs judging by how his wife treated her. The hypocrisy in this place! It was sick!

Stephen continued, "When facing struggles, he chose to ignore them and threw his focus at what really mattered. His faith. His values. His family. It takes guts to do that, and we can all learn from him," he took a pause, "I know I have,"

Nice speech, Esther thought. However, it was missing something. It was vague and lacked the emotional touch of someone who truly connected with her late father. 

As Pastor Harris scanned the assembly for another volunteer, everyone, especially Esther, was staring at Dinah Marcelin. Whether she noticed the looks or not was hard to figure out because she didn't budge. 

Without putting much thought into it, Esther moved to the front, leaving Aaliyah with Stephen. It was total silence apart from the morning breeze as she felt the intense looks on her back.

She surveyed the crowd for some encouragement but couldn't find any. Stephen was too busy tying Aaliyah's boots. Her mom was staring at her blankly, and Sister Rosemary was whispering in someone's ear.

Esther opened her mouth to start, but the words couldn't come. She forgot everything she wanted to say. She closed her eyes, wondering about what was right to say. She opened her eyes as she realized that there was no right thing to say.

After clearing her throat, she started, "I forgot what I was planning to say today. As I fumbled for the right words, I realized that there are no right words in a situation like this. I'm crushed by grief and guilt."

She paused. The words were hard to come out.

"It's not too arrogant to say that I am the one who really knew my dad. With everyone else, he compromised, nodded, and agreed. With me, he spoke his mind and told me his wishes. No matter how foolish they sound. I feel grief because I'm not ready to say goodbye. I can't..."

Her voice broke, but she kept it together and continued.

"And I feel guilty because he didn't know how much he meant to me. How much I needed him. I felt like he went with a troubled mind..."

It was too much. She couldn't hold back the tears anymore. They spilled with no reserve. She tried to finish her speech but couldn't.

She slowly went to the back of the crowd and stayed there until the end of the service.

As people headed to their respective houses, Esther heard Sister Rosemary talking to one of her minions, "She said she was guilty. I wonder if she felt like that after disgracing her family."

Esther couldn't help but join the conversation, "Sister Rosemary, I hope that it's obvious enough, but just in case it's not, this is a funeral. If that doesn't bother you too much, would you postpone your remarks for tomorrow after church? As usual?"

Sister Rosemary started some kind of apology which didn't matter since Esther had already walk away.

Aaliyah came back to her mom. Behind her were Jeremy and Leonie, both wearing dark clothes and looking grim.

"Hey," they both said softly.

"Well, hi," she replied after clearing her throat.

They all stay silent long enough to feel the awkwardness.

Jeremy jumped in first, "Esther, I'm so sorry. Not only for your dad but for not being here for you when you needed me. I shouldn't have..."

Leonie stopped him, "Honey, I'm not letting you take the fall," she told Esther, "It was my fault. I was being jealous and all. I had no idea you were dealing with all of this. I owe you an apology,"

Jeremy added, with a sheepish face, "I hope you're not too mad at me,"

Esther shook her head, "I don't have the strength to be mad at anyone,"

She sounded defeated. Seeing that, Jeremy took a step towards her, but looked back at Leonie and stopped.

Leonie quickly reassured him, "Honey, it's okay. She needs you right now. I get that,"

Jeremy nodded then asked, "What do you want right now, Esther? How can I help?"

"Tell me something happy. I've had my share of bad news. I need some good ones,"

Jeremy scratched his chin, thinking, "I passed my board exam..."

Esther gave a small smile, "I'm so proud of you J-man! You did it!"

"Wait! There's more... We advanced the wedding! We're getting married in less than two weeks!"

"Wow!! I'm so happy for you guys. Now these are some news!"

Jeremy held up his hand, "Last but not least. Guess who's going to be the flower girl?"

"I have no idea," Esther replied

Jeremy pointed at Aaliyah and reached forward to pinch her nose. However, the unthinkable happened.

She violently slapped Jeremy's hand away.

"Aaliyah! Is that a way to treat your uncle?" Esther reprimanded, surprised by her daughter's reaction.

She stomped her feet, "He is not my uncle!" That said, she ran away.

Esther tried to go after her, but Jeremy stopped her.

"You have enough on your plate. I got her," he said before following the child.

Once they were gone, Esther felt a tear sliding. She quickly swiped it before but went too far. However, Leonie had already saw it.

She proposed, "How about you go home and wait for them?"

Esther shook her head, "I... I don't think I can be alone,"

"I'll wait with you, if you don't mind. I have to wait for Jeremy anyway. Would that be okay if I drive you home?"

Esther nodded softly and handed her keys to her.

As Leonie drove, Esther tried to brainstorm a reason that would explain Aaliyah's behavior.

No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't.