With Your Heart Wide Open

A Burden

When Esther came home after visiting her father, Jeremy was waiting. 

She looked at him. He was sitting on the couch with his legs crossed and his back leaning on a pillow. His hair was more disheveled than usual. And his bare feet were powdered with dust probably after playing basketball in the nearby park. She threw her bag on the sofa with more strength than necessary. He raised his eyes, startled by her sudden movement.

"What are you doing here?" She asked coldly.

"Enjoying the view of your new apartment obviously." He smiled at her.

She didn't smile back, "Listen. I'm not in the mood for jokes. Answer me already."

Jeremy scoffed and pointed to the furniture of the small living-room, "I was helping moving your stuff, as you requested."

"Yeah. That." She simply said.

"You're welcome." Jeremy said.

Esther ignored him and walked to the kitchen. Jeremy followed her, his hands in his pockets.

"Someone got off the wrong side of the bed," he pointed out leaning against the wall.

"Don't you have somewhere else to be?"

"I did but I came here instead to help you out."

She crossed her arms, "Why are you acting all powerful because you helped me out? You want something in exchange?"

"Calm down! What's going on with you today? Where were you this morning?"

"Where I went is none of your business!"

Jeremy lowered his eyes for a while. When he looked up, his jaw was clenched.

"You can be a real pain sometimes. You know that?"

She gave a mirthless laugh, "Of course. Story of my life."

"I didn't mean it like that, but you really have to work on your attitude. I can't stand it anymore."

"Then, leave. What's holding you?" She then turned her back at him and started looking through the kitchen drawers.

When she turned around he was still here. He had his windbreaker on but he was just standing there looking at her. 

She brushed past him to the living-room. He followed her there.

"Esther. What's wrong? I can see right through your act. Talk to me" His voice was softer

"You want to know what's wrong? It's you!"

"Me? What did I even do? What did I... ever do to you?"

"You are so entitled! You think that I owe you because you pulled up some favors, because I don't have anyone else."

He shook his head fiercely, "No! How could you? I don't see you like that. I'm helping you without expecting nothing because you are my friend."

She snorted, "Friend? Why are we friends, Jeremy? Because you pity me?"

He raked his hand through his hair and felt it tremble, "I have a lot of respect for you. I do want to help you, but it's not out of pity."

"Sure. Do you remember how we met?"

"Please, don't go there." He implored.

"You found me filing for unemployment in a public library and told me that your grandparents' store was hiring." She reminded with what sounded like embarrassment.

"What... What's wrong with that?"

"You tell me! Why would you choose to become friends with an unemployed single mom? What did you have to gain?"

"Friendship is not about gain. Esther, please. Let's not do this."

She slumped heavily on the sofa. Liyah came from her room and asked the reason for the fight. Her mom ignored her while Jeremy gave a reassuring smile.

"I want you to leave," Esther said calmly, looking at Jeremy straight in the eyes.

Her voice sounded so decisive and so serious that Jeremy felt the need to ask with a broken voice, "From your house or from your life?"

"Both." She said and her daughter gasped.

Jeremy spoke again, but there was no trace of weakness in his voice this time, "You can't expect to be happy with that kind of attitude. Everything you do is complain. You're so ungrateful! It's sick!"

"What should I be grateful for?" She asked with a challenging tone.

"Your life, your job, your friends..."

She interrupted, "My messed-up life, the job I got out of your pity and the friends that I don't have?"

With more strength, he said, "You should be grateful for your daughter!"

"Don't bring Aaliyah into this."

"Maybe I should. Don't you see the way you treat her?"

She stood up and came right in his face when she said, "Do you also feel entitled to her because you've been baby-sitting for a while?"

"I don't feel that way!" He snapped.

With what sounded like a menacing tone, she said, "Aaliyah is mine. Mine! I gave birth to her, I named her and I raised her in spite of everything. On my own! You have no right to tell me how to treat what's mine."

"She's yours?"

"Yeah. She's my daughter."

Releasing the anger that was boiling inside, he said, "You treat her as if she's a burden to you!"

"Maybe she is!" Esther answered a little too fast and a little too loud.

Jeremy took a step back. He then murmured, "That's cruel. Even for you."

He finally left without dropping a single glance behind him.

Esther stood still for a moment. Her breath was coming in quick and short huffs. She felt  her anger in thousands of tingles inside of her. She was mad and she knew it. What she didn't know was who  she was really mad at? Jeremy? For being so entitled, so pushy and so... kind? No. She used Jeremy as a punching-ball and was forced to admit it. She was just releasing her frustrations on him. She almost felt guilty at the thought.

Maybe she was mad at her father, for speaking too softly, for trying to please everyone, and for keeping it all inside. Perhaps, she was not mad at all. Her frowns might have been the only thing keeping a torrent of tears to spill. Going to this place that she once called home brought some memories back to her. She also wondered why they emptied her old room. Was it a practical or an emotional decision? 

She released a deep sigh and felt the presence next to her. It was Aaliyah, looking at her with her big and curious eyes.

The girl asked, "Mommy, what is a burden?"

Esther felt the need to yell at her or send her to the room, as usual. 

This time, she just couldn't.