With Your Heart Wide Open

Closure

It was three hours after dawn, but Esther knew she would find the person she needed here. At least that's what she heard. From afar, Esther saw the unique silhouette. Straight and composed.

She gathered her courage and said, "Hey."

No answer.

Again, Esther hesitated before whispering, "Mom, can I talk to you for a moment?"

Dinah Marcelin slightly flinched, but she stood straight, her eyes fixed on the gravestone that crowned her husband's burial site.

Discouraged by her mom's coldness, Esther was about to turn away, but she changed her mind. She had to do this.

"It's fine if you don't want to talk to me. Maybe once, you'll listen to me. Because right now, I just want you to listen,"

No reaction from her mother.

Esther started, "I've always looked up to you. Even as a kid, I knew we were different. You were so collected, so serious, and I was not. I didn't want to be, but I still wanted you to be proud of me. For so long, everything that I've done was to get you to notice. And it looked like you never did. And worse, I felt like I had to earn your love. Every time I messed up, I felt unworthy of everything because that's how you treated me."

She stopped to examine her mom's face, but there was still no sign of acknowledgment.

So, she continued, "I'll never know why you treated me like this. Maybe you were not ready to be a mother; now that I am a mother myself, I can understand this concept. Maybe you were trying too hard to be a mother. Or maybe, I was never the child you've expected all these years. Now I'm here to tell you how much you've hurt me. I've been showing the whole world how much I've been hurt, but it's better if I come to the source. Only then I can be free,"

Having said that, she turned around and started walking slowly away, hoping that her mother would stop her. She didn't.

Esther got into her car and fastened her seatbelt. She took a moment to collect herself before starting the car. It felt like a thorn has been pulled out of her leaving her with both pain and relief. She took a deep breath. She had other items to take off her checklist.

Once she started her car, she heard a tap on the window. She turned her head to see her mother standing next to the car.

Esther quickly got out. Her mom looked at her then asked, her voice as cold as always, "Do you blame me too?"

"Blame you for what?"

She pointed at the gravestone, "Him. His death. Do you blame me for his death?"

"Of course not! There's no one to blame. I used to feel guilty because the last thing I told him was that I hated him, but I don't blame myself. I don't think anyone should be blamed,"

She shook her head, "I started the fight. I threw his phone away. I made his life miserable ever since I've married him. I killed him,"

Esther was speechless.

Her mom continued, "I told Sister Rosemary what I did. She pretended to understand, but she went and told everyone. She even started other rumors. Nobody will say it, but they all blame me. And it doesn't matter because I blame myself more,"

At this point, Esther was crying. She didn't want to tear apart in front of her, but it was too much to take.

Dinah Marcelin didn't cry, though. Instead, she just kept staring at her daughter. Her face was unreadable.

Esther broke the silence, "Mom, as painful as it is to say right now, I don't blame you, and I don't think you should. It was his time to die, and nothing could have held him back. And yes, he was unhappy, but now he's free,"

"I come here every morning to ask for forgiveness. Some say that dead people are completely oblivious, some say that they will come back in another form, and others say that they are gone forever. I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know what to do,"

"It's alright, Mom. No matter what happens to souls, we have no control. So it would be best if you focused on what you can control. When you're done grieving, of course."

Their eyes met. Esther was touched by what she saw in hers. It looked like gratitude with a hint of pride. 

Guessing that her mom needed more space, Esther opened her door to get into her car, but her mom held her forearm. It was the first time she's touched her in years. 

Esther looked at her perplexed. Was she about to hug her or something? No, that would be too weird. She was right; Dinah Marcelin was not about to show any affection. Instead, she put a wrinkled piece of paper inside Esther's hand. When she opened it, she saw a messy handwriting. His dad's. It read, "My dear Esther".

When Esther raised her eyebrow, she explained, "He had ink all over his hand and I found this piece of paper on the floor. I guess he was in the middle of writing it before... Before, you know," she stayed silent then added, "His last words were for you, Esther. I'm sure he knew that you didn't mean what you said. I'm sure he knew,"

In another situation, it would have been a perfect time for a hug and a mixture of tears. However, Esther knew her mother. She gave her a small smile, whispered goodbye, and got into her car to drive away. 

As she drove, her mind wandered to the past, focused on the present, and imagined the future. A future with Stephen or Jeremy. She's been thinking all night and now that she talked to her mom, she had the strength to choose. 

She drove straight to his house. When he opened the door, he looked surprised and a little confused then he let her in.

Esther took a deep breath and said, "Stephen, we need to talk."