Insanity In Sanity

Fight or Flight

The instinct of fight or flight is one that is ingrained into us, even to this day. Most of the time it is applied in situations that are life threatening, but I wonder if it could be applied to situations we face everyday. I wonder if there is some greater instinct that alerts us to approaching danger, impending hurt.

Though I do not know how each day will end, or how each one will play out, sometimes I get the feeling that something is going to happen. I got a feeling like that when she went and made more accusations. I assume you know who the 'she' is by now.

I think that we all have a way of judging other's moods, we just have to pay attention. I've gotten used to paying attention to my sister, so I can read her. I can read how she changes. I can see when she's about to have an emotional break down, even before she knows. I knew she was going to make the accusations before she made them.

I know that makes this sound like some kind of fantasy work, or something. It's not. This is the truth of my life, the life of Jamie. The life of a goth with purple tipped hair. It does not have magic, if it did, I'm sure you would have heard of me.

I knew because of a feeling in my stomach. I felt like there was something weighing my stomach down, it almost made me want to get sick. I knew something was going to happen.

When she went into the office, and asked for one of the counselor's, I knew what I was feeling. I knew what it meant. I knew what she was going to do.

Later that day I got a text from my mom telling me that she had my sister, and was taking her to a hospital. They were going to test, and see if what she said was true.

I am so tired of lies. I am so worn out by her. Sometimes I wish that I could make it stop. I wish that I could just have her realize what she is doing to people.

Sadly some people have to learn the hard way, and I fear my sister will be one of those.

What she has to learn is a mystery. I do not understand the full extent of what she must learn. I do know that she must learn not to lie. She must stop hurting others. These are things that many of us learned as younger children. I do not know why she didn't.

These things can not be taught, not without the person who is trying to learn being willing to accept the information. She used to be so willing to learn, I wonder what happened to her. I wonder why she stopped.

Fight or flight? That is the question that my sister faced. She was asked to decide whether to fight her innocence in court, or to flight, or just take the least sever punishment. She told my mom that she wanted to fight.

There is medical evidence that proves that she lied to officers, and wasted money investigating something that was false. There is no way to prove that she thought otherwise. There is no way she could come out of court with the verdict of innocent. There is absolutely no way.

Is there some way that she could fall back onto the flight instinct? Is there someway she could give up the fight?

I will not answer that right now.

For now I must stop with the deep talk. I can't take anymore at the moment.

Even as I write this about the past, I live something else. I live in a reality that I can't handle. I can't take.

I turn to the past. I turn to it as a way to make sense of things, or at least try to. I turn to it as a way to hide from what is truly happening. I don't turn far back, no, I stay close. I write to you. I write to you about what is happening, because I am not strong enough to take it on my own. I have to hope that you can save me, help me.

All of our lives contain uncertainty, some more than others. It is that uncertainty that both unites and divides us. In one breath it holds a similarity of all beings, but in the other it keeps us apart. It makes us hide from one another.

Uncertainty is why we have the fight or flight instinct. It is why we all want to run when the going gets too tough. It is also what makes us stand, and say "You can't beat me. I am strong. I will not bow to you. I will leave my mark."

I don't want to leave a mark.

I want to go through life without hurting others. Without them hurting me. I want to live, and be happy. I don't want to have pain that I must keep hidden. Sadly it is too late for that.

Sadly I have already touched you. I have already touched others. I have let them touch my soul.

I realized that the flight option would hurt less too late.

But I don't want to be a coward. No one does. That is why we stand up, and speak. At the same time we don't want to look like fools, so we hide.

Humans are full of contradictions.

We want to do one thing, yet we do another for someone else. We will say one thing, and mean another. Why? Why, I ask, why?

Because we are flawed? We are all imperfect? Because we can't stand to do something that would hurt someone else?

I think it is because of fight or flight. If we can't stand for our own will, maybe we could stand for someone else. Maybe we could flee for them, or do something for someone else, not just ourselves. Maybe we could be someone else's fight or flight, because they can't do it for themselves.

I wish I could be flight for my sister. I wish I could make her take the simpler option and go. I wish I could make her not fight.

It's her fight or flight, not mine. All I can do is wish that she will choose the best option.

__________

I have been thinking. Should I try to write the sister's story (on a different work, not this one), or should I just stick to Jamie's story? Would you read the sister's view of what's happening, and why she's doing it, or do you all just want to strangle her?

As always, please comment, and please help me fix any grammatical mistakes.

Thanks for reading!!