Insanity In Sanity

Mirrors Tell No Lies

When I see myself I see a girl a pretty face. I see a girl that has average brown hair, dyed to make it unique. I see a nice smile.

Thing is that all of what I see in a glance is on the surface.

When I look at my eyes, and hold my gaze, I see so much more. I touch my soul. I see the pain that is hidden behind a tough exterior. The want for hope that can never be allowed out. I see fear, pain, and scars.

We all hide something about ourselves. I feel that when you take time to look at a person, truly look, you can see a hint of what they hide. You can see what they want to be secret.

So, since I am pouring out all my secrets into you, I challenge you to look at someone you don't know very well. Look at them. Take in their hair color, their eye color, the way they hold their self. Watch the way they act. See how they touch things- carelessly, or gingerly, as though their world might shatter if they aren't gentle.

Then look deeper. Do they have shadows under their eyes? If so, think why, consider what might cause them to be losing sleep. Are they haunted by nightmares? Or are they like me, losing sleep because their afraid of what will come? Maybe it's something else entirely.

Now look into their eyes. It doesn't matter if they notice, look at them. See how the color changes as it moves towards the pupil. What do you see? Pain? Happiness?

I want you to watch them. Not just for one day. Whenever you see them, see if something has changed.

Lastly, I want you to start taking these things in when you look at everyone. Don't judge the based on it though. Just see. I want you to just take notice of others, and how they change, how they react to things.

If you can, look into a mirror. Look at yourself. Forget everything you know about the person looking back at you, be a stranger to yourself. See what others see, just for a moment. That is all I ask of you.

When I become a stranger to myself, I see someone who is close to breaking under a weight. Though the girl in the mirror tries to hide the burden, it shows in the way she lets her shoulders slump when she thinks that I can't see. Her eyes dance away from contact. They want to hide things. They don't want to let the hurt seep into anyone else. She doesn't want to hurt anyone, she wants to protect them from the truth. She even tries to protect herself.

I don't let myself think about things very often. I want to hide myself from the possibility that... things... could be true.

I don't know if I want to know for sure. I don't want to be like my sister, I don't want the truth, if her truth is mine, to touch me. Right now there is doubt. Not much, but their is doubt about my past.

Since I am being honest with you, I'll tell you something that I thought about recently. First, a question that you can't tell me your answer to: Do you remember when I said I couldn't recall much about my younger years?

What if that is because I locked things away as a child? What if that was my defense against the truth? What if I already know? What if I can't face it?

That is why, at least for now, I don't want to know for sure. I don't know if I can face the truth. I don't know if I could cope if that was looming in my past. I can have doubt hanging over my head, and I could live easily if I knew that I hadn't taken like that. But if I was...

I really think you get the point. At least that one, but still, I wonder if it would change me?

Would I be more like my sister? Would I live only because of the falsities I tell? Would that become my way of coping?

For now, I can let that go. I can live knowing that I am my own person, and I might have a very different past.

Now to travel from the past to the present. Or the present as you know it, I already lived through what I am telling you, but with everyday that passes new things happen. I hope your willing to stick around, because even through the very present things are still happening.

My sister, she missed quite a bit of school for medical reasons. She was barely there in middle school, and she failed half her classes in her sophomore year due to the medical stuff. As a result she didn't develop some of the social skills that many possess. In other words, she acts like a middle schooler as a junior.

She thinks that all my friends want to be her friend. She thinks that she can make a joke, and everyone will pretend to think she is hilarious, like how people used to 'laugh' at jokes to seem 'cool'.

People have seen us together, and asked who was older. When they found out she was the eldest of the two of us, they were surprised. I have had someone say "from the way she acts, I would never guess that she's the older of you two." Our own sister said that.

My mom has to put more restrictions upon her than she does me. Especially now that my sister is officially arrested. I guess I need to backtrack again.

When the police found out about all the false reports she had made, they were not happy- to say the least. So they took action.

I was at school when I received a text from my stepdad. He told me that things were happening with her, but no one was in danger. No one was hurt. Yet he didn't tell the truth on that. I was hurt. My mom was hurt. Albeit emotionally, but hurt all the same.

When the school counselor called me to her office, it was so my mom could talk to me. She told me that the police had taken my sister to the station, and we're officially arresting her. Her medical stuff prevented them from being able to take care of her properly, so they turned my sister over to mom. All we had to do was wait for the parole department to send us what possible punishments for her lies would be, and wait for a court date.

I cried. Not because I was sad, and not because I felt bad. No, she was getting what she deserved. I cried because I was mad- more than that. I wanted to see her suffer like we had. Yet I also wanted to keep her from the hurt. I still loved her, and I still cared what happened to her.

I didn't want her to suffer, not really. I wanted her to see what she was doing to people, how she was hurting them.

I feel myself getting more lost everyday, with every thought that I have. I get more confused. I forget more things. I wonder how close I am to the end of my sanity. I wonder how much longer my mind will last.

So I stop focusing on reality, like now. I am looking to you, my strange friend, I am looking to you for help. I know you can't write back, but I think your helping me. Knowing someone else understands me, and my life is a comfort. Knowing I'm not alone is worth more than anything else right now.

So, before I say some other stuff and forget, thank you. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for staying with me.

I will soon be leaving you, and going back into my life. First though, I want to tell you what I see when I look at my sister. Just like I have challenged you, I looked at my sister as though she was a stranger.

Here face seems caring at first glance. The longer I look, the more I see her layers. She holds herself with confidence, almost too much. She walks as though she owns everything, and she looks at me as though she is analyzing all my reactions. Analyzing me.

Her eyes have that same swaggering confidence. Under that hides darkness, and secrets. Her eyes look welcoming if you just glance, but the more you see them, the colder they become. Her eyes begin the show how heartless she can be.

Still there is more. Under everything else is fear. Is injustice. She hides so much that even when I look at her with all the knowledge I have of her, I still don't know words for everything her eyes can't hide. I don't know the words for what I try to hide.

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I don't have anyone to dedicate this chapter to... I don't know who else is reading my story. Even though I don't know who you are, this chapter is for everyone reading. Thank you all!!

I had a question about if the name of Jamie's sister would be revealed. For now, no. Partly because she didn't have a name, and partly because Jamie would want to have her remain nameless, even if she had a name.

I can't find a song, and I don't think you guys want random K-Pop... So if you have any recommendations for the future, feel free to let me know.

Hopefully I can keep updating like this! Bye for now!!