Insanity In Sanity

Killing Hope

I hold onto hope that I shouldn't have. I hold onto the idea that things can get better. I shouldn't. They can get better, I know that, but I hope for it too much. It makes me weak, vulnerable emotionally. I should keep my defenses up against the world. I shouldn't let them break down, but I do. I can't help it. I want to learn to trust people again. I want to learn to let them have a part of me and I want them to take care of it. I want to be able to trust them to do that. But I shouldn't do it. I keep learning that. I keep getting reminded that things can always get worse and that I can still get hurt.

I guess you're wondering what I'm talking about. I'm sorry, I keep making you get confused. I seem to be confusing people a lot lately. I'm sorry. Please forgive me, because I can't forgive myself.

My sister had no problems for a few weeks, things seemed to be looking up. I was beginning to be able to sleep. I was able to focus on school with minimal distractions. I was able to feel like I could breathe again... But then my sister swallowed nail polish remover in an attempt to hurt herself. As always, she went to the hospital, but this time only to make sure she didn't do anything serious to her body before she threw up the nail polish remover.

Yes, during those weeks of calm my sister had cut up her arms and her legs. That was something we could handle, something we could treat. That was something we were used to, it had been happening for years.

Despite that, I was stupid and began to think that maybe things could go back to normal. That maybe we could get into a routine that didn't involve anyone getting hurt. So I began to try to open up. I began to try to trust again.

Because of that when she swallowed the nail polish remover it hurt more than ever before. I felt like she's carved into my heart and removed a piece of it. I felt like I was empty of everything but pain. And that hurt deeper than anything else. The fact that my trust, when barely exposed to her, would be found, and stabbed, would be followed to the source and cut.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll be able to recover from that and trust again.

Other times I know I won't.

That, the closest thing to my friends that I have, is the problem. I don't think I can ever really trust again. Even now I'm not sure I should be letting you see this. I'm not sure if I can let you. But I'll make myself do it, because I hope... Hope, the one thing that seems to be ever present in my life.

But it's fading too. It's not as strong as it was. My faith in the fact that in our world good always prevails has long been destroyed, but my hope that maybe good could have some peace, some rest has been fading.

Hope used to burn bright in me, but no longer does it shine. I can't let myself hope because hope leads to trust, and trust gets me hurt. I can't stand anymore hurt. I can't stand it and that's showing. There is too much pressure on me from my family, from my school, from my life. It's showing in me. It shows in the way I can't focus as much in class, in the way that I don't put as much of myself into what I do. It shows in the way I snap at my friends for the slightest things, the way I get close to yelling at my brother just because he knocks on my door. It shows in the way that I'm either angry or crying most of the time.

I don't know what peace is anymore. I don't know what rest is, what sleep is. I can't remember what it's like to dream. And that is another thing... I'm forgetting more and more.

It used to be easy for me to call up clear memories of the previous day, week, and even years. I used to be able to tell people the exact emotions I felt on my first day of middle school, of high school too. Now I don't even remember what happened on those days. That's all they are to me- days.

Life has lost so much meaning to me. I know that I'm slipping. I know I'm falling. I know that I won't be able to return if I fall all the way.

The one good thing in my life is my 'Universe Twin.' She and I are close, even though we live thousands of miles away from each other. She is, in many ways, the only reason why I am able to hold on. She can always make me laugh, smile. She is the reason why I can still write.

When my sister was being taken to the hospital by my mom she and I were emailing each other. She was there for me, distracting me and making me laugh. I can't imagine the burden I put on her that night. Still, she was there for me when I needed her, like so many before had failed to do.

Even my mom isn't truly there for me. She claims she is and she says that she's worried about me. I don't doubt that she's worried about me. She's told me everything that I see in my behavior and she's said that she wants to help if there is anyway she can help. Still, she doesn't truly know what's wrong, nor does she know why I'm hurting the way I am. All she sees is me drawing further into myself, hiding who I truly am from others.

Maybe I said at the beginning that everything wasn't driving me to suicide. Maybe I lied. Maybe I'm just like my sister.

I say that because... Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to feel nothing, not even the pain of living. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to sleep eternally. Sometimes I wonder if that would be better.

But then I come to my senses and realize how much more pain that would cause my mom, my family. My friends.

It's then that I remember why I live. I live so I can feel, and I can't always feel the good, because without the bad how would we know and be able to appreciate happiness? Love? Peace?

Despite the fact that I sometimes wonder about dark things, I always come back, and I always realize that there is a reason. Life isn't pointless. I have to hold on through the storm in order to be able to see the calm.

And maybe the calm was closer than I thought it was.

We were told of a possibility for my sister. One that would help her to be able to live a fairly normal life and take the stress of her off of my family... But I'm not ready to tell you about that yet. I'm selfish and want more time to get the facts. To make you wait as I had to for the information. I don't expect forgiveness for keeping it from you, but that's okay. I've lost much of my will to care about others.

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Hey, so I'm sorry that took so long! I love you guys, really! This chapter is for @Dalacian

I apologize to Dalacian for taking so long for this. I originally promised it by Friday, but I didn't make it. So I promised it over the weekend. I made it... By an hour and a half.

Anyways, thanks for reading and please comment with what you think (except you Dalacian, I know you just want the sister to die.)