Insanity In Sanity

The Past In The Present

Within everyone is something. A light, you might say. Some lights burn brighter than others. They all burn in different colors, showing the true nature of a person. I think these lights can change. They flicker, they fluctuate in color. We have to try to nurture these lights, for they are all that is good in the world. They are purity, and innocence.

I fear my life is sucking the air away from my light, and that its dying. I don't want that, I want to shine. Not outshine anyone, I just want to be someone who represents hope, someone who doesn't give up. If my light goes out, then so does my will to fight. I don't want that to happen. There's too much I haven't had a chance to experience.

I have yet to visit other countries. I have yet to go on a date. I have yet to have a first kiss. I have yet to see any of my stepdad's family.

I can't give up.

I refuse to give up, and so my story continues. This time at my school.

The memory of my sister being officially arrested was still burned fresh into my memory when I ended up in the office of the officer that hangs around the school. I really don't know how I got in there. I wasn't in trouble, but the officer had me sit down, and asked me how I was.

I could have lied, and said fine. I could have said any number of things, and been lying. I didn't want to lie to her. I don't want to be like my sister.

I said I was okay, considering. At that point I started crying, again. That showed just about where my okay was. The officer asked me what, exactly, was affecting me the most. I can't recall what I said through my tears, but I do remember trying to express my feeling of betrayal, of the way my sister was hurting everyone she touched.

The officer had been present when the arrest had been made, and so she made it clear to me that she didn't think my sister being arrested was the best thing. She said that my sister needed help. I agree.

My sister needs something to straighten her out. What that is, I don't know. I do know that the officer's words helped.

She told me a story of how her daughters thought that the small issues they were dealing with were mountains. She told me that she didn't know why I was going through this, why my family was. She told me that I was strong.

That is something I have clung to with every ounce of my being. I am strong. I remind myself of that every time something threatens to push me closer to that cliff. I have even started to push back.

I am slowly becoming my old self again; but even if I get back to something like I was before, I know I'll be changed. I can't reverse what I have felt, what has marked my soul.

I can let my light get more air. I can control small things. I can't change or control my sister, but I can control myself.

That is something I wish I had, control over more than just myself. If I could, I would make my sister not have the false memories, because we think that is what they are. We think that is why she has made the accusations.

She has been having nightmares, ones possibly reliving her past. If the nightmares seem real enough, she may believe that it happened in real time, not the past. Or she could just be manipulating everyone around her. She could know how she's hurting us. She could be doing it because she likes seeing us so stressed.

I want to believe that it is something out of her control. I want to believe she doesn't do it on purpose.

How can I know anything about her?

I thought I knew her. We grew up together, we went through everything together. We swore we would always be there for each other. We told everything to the other. We knew all of the other's deepest secrets.

Or I thought I knew hers. I told her mine. I barred my soul to her. I have her everything I had, and I thought she did the same for me.

I always thought that I would be able to trust her. I always thought We would stick together.

My dreams of that never ending relationship were shattered the first time a blade sunk into her skin. The first time a trail of red welled up on her skin. With every bit of blood that left her body my life changed even more. Sadly she didn't cut only once or twice. No, her arms have at least ten marks each, and her legs have at least six.

It is her past that has defined her, and it is our past that has shaped me. Everything that has happened has made me into what I am today. Her lies have made me a truth seeker, her manipulation has made me able to read people, everything she has done made me stronger in someway. I am more resilient than I was, more adaptable.

All the changes haven't been for the better. I hide more, I don't want to put myself in a position to be hurt anymore- I am not as outgoing as I once was. I get scared more easily- the other day a girl stumbled, and caught herself on me, I got freaked out, and backed away. More of pushed her off me, but the point is this- I have been changed from who I was. Once I would have helped the girl steady herself, asked if she was okay, and talked for a few minutes. Now I just retreat into myself.

The past stays where it is, but it still affects everything we do, it will always be there, and the changes it has wrought on us will never go away. The past may have already happened, but it still looms over our every move. It holds us captive, and keeps us from our true potential. It will never let go, the most we can do is hold it's hand, and let it help us through the future.

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I feel like that is an epic stopping point!

This chapter goes to Mars, the company that makes mini M&Ms. I love those things!! I was eating a few of them while I was writing this... Yummy!!

FYI: I like feedback, so please tell me what you think. Tell me what you like, and what you don't. Please, it helps me improve!

Also do you think Jamie should find out if she was sexually assaulted, or do you think she should not? I'm trying to figure out what to do about that... I'm not sure weather she was or not!! Do you think she should have been, or no?

Anyways, thanks for reading!!