Insanity In Sanity

Ready to Go?

Here goes everything. And yet nothing, since you don't know me.

I am fiftteen. I have brown hair, but I dyed the ends purple. My name... Jamie, but you can call me J. I dress kind of goth. But no one really cares. I just do it to seem tough. And I guess I am tough, but not in terms of fighting or anything. No, more like... Emotionally tough.

I'll let you make your own conclusions.

I feel like I should be able to trust you. I feel like you really want to know more. And maybe you do, maybe you do for selfish reasons, or just because you are genuinely curious. So either way, here I go.

I guess you could say a good portion of everything started back in September. I would say that things really started back about fourteen and a half years ago.

My dad got hit by a car, pedestrian versus car. He was the pedestrian. He was injured. Not just on his physical body, but mentally. His frontal lobes were reduced by half. I don't really know what else, and I'm not sure I want to know.

After that point my parents stopped living together, partly because he was in the hospital. He didn't want to undergo some kind of therapy to help him with the injury, and so that, along with other stuff lead to my parents getting divorced.

My mom remarried, and is still with my step dad. And he's cool.

My dad remarried, got divorced, and is now remairried (again, to a different woman), and a man of God.

I am a girl that believes in God, but I don't attend church or anything. I just... I don't know how to describe it really.

So anyways, back to my past.

I lived with my Great-Uncle from about the time I was four, until I was in the third grade. My mom had gotten some back injuries, and a four and five year old were a bit too much.

I keep forgetting to tell you, I have two older sisters, and an older brother. The oldest two, my brother, and the oldest sister, have one father. The middle sister and I have one father. And then there is my little brother, and he has my step dad as a father. At the time of the story, he wasn't born yet.

In third grade my sister, and I deiced to move back with our mom. My Great-Uncle didn' t think that was the best thing for us, but we did it anyways.

From that point on I have lived with my mom.

I visited my dad when I was told to. I went to school, and did as I was told. Through out the time between third grade, and seventh grade (I think, it may have been sixth) nothing much happened. A few injuries. A fractured arm (not mine). Life was normal.

My older brother went and joined the military, and my oldest sister moved to live with her dad in Alabama. But that was all during that 'normal' time.

Then at some point my older sister, the one that shares my dad, started cutting. I still don't know why. Over time I have come to the conclusion that suicide is selfish. If you commit suicide, you are removing yourself from the situation causing you pain. While that may be true, you are causing others pain. It may not be intentional, but they are bound to think that they had some role in driving you to suicide. Even if you tell them they did nothing wrong, there is survivor's guilt. I should know.

My sister has not, to this day, killed herself. But that doesn't mean I don't know what it feels like to think that her life ending may have been in some way my fault.

Over the many times she has cut, or done whatever, I have wondered what drove her to do such things. I have wondered if it was that fight we got into. I have wondered if I did something without even knowing I did it. I have wondered so many things.

I am not trying to offend anyone. I am just stating my opinion.

If you commit suicide, you are leaving everyone with one more scar. One cut into their heart by you. Some may live as though it never happened. But for some, it cuts deeper than you could ever hope to imagine.

The same thing goes with lies, and so many other things.

I know I haven't futhered my story much, but I think that if you wait, you will soon begin to learn just how deep my emotional scars run. You will see just how thick my barriers have become.

You will see.

___________

I added a picture of what her hair might look like.