Insanity In Sanity

The Mystery of Me

How much pain can a person take without being damaged? How much can a person bottle up without exploding?

There is no way to compare the strength of people. We are all as strong as we need to be, and given my situation, I think I've acquired some strength. The question that remains is how much more do I have?

Every night my dreams become stranger, if I dream at all. Some nights it's just black. Darkness. It's all consuming, and I wake up with a dark, brooding mood hanging over me. Each time I manage to fall asleep, another part of my mind goes. My grades are beginning to drop in their averages. All because of the things I'm going through.

After a strange week, and a weekend, one of my teachers asked how we were. The class started answering at once. Since I sit in the front, I asked if she wanted the most honest answer we could give. She said yes. "Over stressed, over tired, and going insane." My words were simple, yet they described so much. I was loosing my mind. All because of sleep.

If I don't sleep, I get even more tired, but my mind still works. If I sleep I loose bits of my mind, but I'm not so tired. How am I supposed to choose which I give, and which I take? I can't have both. Just like my sister couldn't lie and be believed.

After she went to get another exam, to see if she was lying or not, she stayed in the ER until an inpatient hospital could take her. Or until she could go home.

The usual inpatient couldn't take her- no, wouldn't take her. She ended up being put in a hospital over two hours away from our home.

While all of that was happening, my mom was going through her room, her backpack, her stuff. Just like every other time. This time we found some interesting things.

She had taken a knife from the kitchen, and his it in her room. She also had her backpack full of clothes. And a list of things she needed to make sure she had. To run away.

She had hid bits of food- peanut butter, crackers, etc.- in her room. She had everything in place to survive for a few days on her own. Only thing was her plan went wrong, and we found her out. We found out about the plans she was making. We found her, and beat her at her own game. For the moment.

My mom was angry, sad, and who knows what else. I was pissed off. She was willing to do anything to get out of the house. She was willing to lie, to run, to do anything to get out.

Though I loved her, I hated her. I really wasn't sure what to think about her. What to feel towards her.

I was confused. I was hurt. I was losing myself. I had no idea what to think about her.

That was my life. I had no control, and I wanted it to change. My reality didn't, but my dreams did.

I was so used to having nightmares that a dream, albeit a strange one, was a pleasant change. I'm sure your wondering about this dream. Anything to keep from talking about my sister.

The dream was about me, and three other girls. I don't know any of them, not in real life. Malie, she's the only one that I remember the name of. She wasn't human. I don't know why I dreamt of her, or why I remember her. The other two girls were human. Maybe they stood out less- no, they were strange in their own ways.

Malie wasn't human, she was a wolf, and a girl, but not a human girl. I'm really not sure what she was. One of the other girls mentioned a dragon, but I don't know why. The last girl was insane- literally. She wouldn't use her voice because of someone she called 'The Man'.

They were strange. I was also strange. I was almost like a wraith. Things passed through me; I wasn't solid. I really don't know why I dreamt that way.

Maybe the dream was supposed to mean something. Maybe it somehow was related to my life. Maybe it was my subconscious trying to figure something out. I don't know, but what I do know is it didn't feel like a dream.

I felt free, beyond what I ever remember feeling.

It was just a dream though. The girls were just a figment of my imagination, but I wish they were real. I wish that they lived in our world. But a dream is not reality.

I'm trying to figure out what the dream meant. It calls give me hints as to what is really happening in my mind.

The girl who lost it, maybe she is what I am becoming. Or maybe it is some strange representative of my sister, and her mental state. The girl who mentioned the dragon, she knew lots of things about the universe. She could be my want for answers, and a way to show that they will come. Then there's Malie. I think the wolf side of her is what I could become, if I gave into anger.

That's a fear I haven't mentioned before, at least... I don't think I have.

I am afraid of what I might become if I were to give into darker emotions. The few times that I have barely tapped them, my mom was freaked out. I tore into my sister in no time. She was almost reduced to tears, in less than a minute. My mom had to separate us, and I couldn't even look at my sister without wanting to snap.

I don't want to be a monster that destroys hope. I don't want to hurt people, no matter how much they might have hurt me. There are strong emotions that I have to keep in check, other wise I fear what will happen.

I'm sorry. I know I've changed topics quite a bit, and that I've skipped around. I feel like this is a good representation of my life, always skipping around, and a bit confusing. I don't want to lose you anymore, so I'll leave you to think while I try to figure out a more logical pathway to put things down on. Maybe if I do, I won't seem so lost.

_____

Thanks for reading! I found a song, Beautiful Ending by Barlow Girl.

As always, please correct any grammatical mistakes, spelling errors, etc. Comment with what you think.

This chapter is dedicated to someone who is not (to my knowledge) on Wattpad. Once I'm on my computer I will do the official dedication. The person shall be called J. Vance, a nickname of their's.

This one is for you, J. Vance, thanks for encouraging me to write, even when you didn't realize you were doing it!