Insanity In Sanity

Death Ending

If she just disappeared would it be so bad?

I feel like I'm betraying my sister by asking that. Still, I can't help but ask it, especially not because of how she really did for a while.

Yes, my sister ran away. For real. She went to see her girlfriend, and she was missing for three days. Finally the police found her and she was told if she tried to run away again she would get an ankle bracelet put on, because of her probation.

Since then she hasn't tried to run away again, though she has thrown fits about not being able to call her girlfriend because of being grounded.

This time I'll stop talking about her. I'll be telling you about what has been happening with my father. I know that you have little knowledge of him, but he became a major reason for the stress in my life.

My father got a cold and it didn't go away, so he went to the doctor. The doctor looked at him and discovered that he had a swollen liver and spleen. They transported him to the hospital and started running tests.

I can't recall what all was going on or what all they said. I do know that they were having trouble finding the cause of the strange things that were going on. I do know that their main concern was his liver and what was wrong with it. Then they discovered that his lungs were filling with liquid and that became a major concern also.

He got released at one point, but ended up back in the hospital within two weeks. They still couldn't figure out what was wrong.

At that time I was preparing for final exams, so I wasn't paying that much attention to what was happening with him, that is until my mom drove my sister and myself down to see him.

Even thinking about going into the hospital to see him made me feel sick.

That, my dearest confidant, is another thing about me. I hate hospitals and honestly I'm a bit scared of them. More than a bit. I hate hospitals, the smell, seeing them, everything. Just the thought of one makes me want to get sick. It's part of my anxiety.

I have both Social and Unspecified Anxiety. Both are caused by my sister.

A sister is supposed to be someone you can trust with your life, someone who you can count on to laugh with you and to dance with you and to be there for you. A sister should be someone helping you get through the crap that comes along, not someone who creates it.

It was December 11th when my dad died. I don't know if died peacefully, or the last hours of his life were painful. I don't who was with him, I don't know who noticed that he passed. I don't anything about it.

What I do know is that I couldn't really cry. Not like I needed to. They say grieving is a process, but I don't think I've started it, even so long after he died. I think I'm afraid of facing the fact that he's gone. That I'll never see his smile, or hear his laugh again. I'll never go see him over summer vacation again, I'll never stay up late listening to crappy music and eating junk food with him again.

There were so many things that I expected from him, for him to be there for, but now... He'll never see me graduate, get married, have kids. He'll never get to know the real me. I hid so much of myself from him. He never read my writing, saw me dance, or heard me sing. He never knew my favorite books, never saw my paintings. He never got to see the real me. I always hid, and now I wonder what he would think of me.

I've learned tricks from my sister, for my own defense. It's because of her that I can manipulate people and have them never realize it. They think what I want was something they suggested, that promises they never made were sworn in blood. I can lie and fake panic attacks. I can make you feel sorry for me with just a few words. I can find my way past your defenses within a few minutes of meeting you, I can read others like an open book. I can make them think they know me, but they don't, because I have concrete walls built around my soul.