Embedded

Chapter Thirty Six.

Chapter Thirty Six.

"Adopt the pace of nature, her secret is patience." X Ralph Waldo Emerson.

••

I have been staring at the ceiling for the past few minutes since waking up and I've been feeling like shit. Not just physically... But emotionally. I felt...I don't know man but that eight letter word definitely made my head spin. I mean I don't understand how I couldn't see this myself. How I couldn't put two and two together, or in this case how every single symptoms -is that what you call it?- couldn't have been more obvious?

I mean did that word have to appear on my forehead for me to notice the difference it has bought onto my life? And what's even more embarrassing is the fact that this was one of the things I had to teach when I was still a teacher. Which wasn't even that long ago. I know the symptoms and all that like the back of my hand. But... Gosh.

I sit up a little too quick and feel how my head just spins. Oh my God. What if I really am pregnant. Oh my God!

That one mishap is why I'm feeling like this right now? Like what the hell. I drag myself to the bathroom and pee before opening the shower tap to get the water running. From cold to hot. Where's Bangi? Obviously somewhere in this house Zanokuhle. I take my showering gel and loofah before squirting some of it on there.

One whiff and I find myself closing my mouth and nose. What in the nausea is this? I was definitely going to hurl if I took another smell of this.

Why did I smell it again. I'm gagging, my hand closing my nose and mouth again. I can't use my showering gel now? How great. Amazing. Now I have to change my showering gel because of this.

I gag again. This is probably the worst shower I've ever taken and I never thought I'd be one to say that. I mean who ever thinks that you'd ever live to see the day when showers are in the category of being shitty? Not me.

After showering using Bangi's showering gel, I step out and dry my body. In the midst of it all I find myself glancing at myself in the mirror, wondering if I could see any changes. Okay, I don't know...but my areolas definitely looked different. Darker maybe? Oh my goodness I think I'm going to be sick.

I wear the warmest and most comfortable clothes I can find before combing my afro out and cover it with a doek. I was not used to myself looking like this but then again I'm not walking around this mother earth with hair I wasn't confident in. I should probably invest in a weave or two. Who knows, I might actually look bomb in one.

With my hands in the pockets of my jacket I make my way downstairs. The house is warm yes, but it just felt lonely. That alone was making it feel a tad bit cold. I haven't even checked the time yet.

I find my husband seated on the couch in the living room, busy on his laptop. I don't think he noticed me standing there for a while and I didn't blame him. I mean who else would want to talk with the same woman who basically spoke down on you. Making you feel like less of a man when he was just helping me help myself. I didn't even finish that movie we were supposed to watch together last night.

I sigh and that's when he eventually looks up, shortly after his face is overtaken by his beautiful smile. He stretches and rids himself of his laptop placing it on the coffee table not so far from him. "Good morning Sthandwa sam," he gets up.

I don't deserve him. I really don't. "Hawu my love, yini inkinga?" He asks. I look down as I felt the puddles well up in my eyes, blinding me. I honestly didn't mean to shed tears but I genuinely felt like shit for yesterday, and the days before that.
"Sthandwa sam, what's wrong?"