Embedded

Chapter Fifty Three.

Chapter Fifty Three.

"Trust is like an eraser, it gets smaller and smaller after every mistake.” 

••

Since that day at the hospital, I have felt myself slip away into a place of utter sadness. An episode that would later be labeled as depression. I couldn't concentrate, my attention span was second to none and what made it worse was my inability to remember to take care of myself properly. Instead of my clothes growing tighter I could feel them get loose instead, but that didn't stop the heaviness of my soul. It would crush me every single time I'd try to go to sleep. I knew it would just stare at me with the — You should've known — eyes. It would laugh at me each night with it's tongue out and whisper things into my ear like, 'You are Stupid and useless!'

I believe that. I was stupid and useless. I should've known those two were liars and cheats. I should've known better than to trust a man that barely made my mother happy when she was still alive and well. I should've known that my sister was groomed by this evil man. He violated her and I should've known and stopped her. The stupidity in me probably missed all the hints and signs she was throwing my way because I was too busy stuffing my fat self with food or just being my normal self-centered self. If I knew any better then I would definitely agree with the fact that they should've strangled me too, just to save this world from my meaningless existence.

'Okay Nonozi, I may have had a hand in her death but please can we talk about this. I can't loose you.'

Yes, he wrote 'loose'.

Grey, silently peaceful drizzles land on the window...dragging down and fall onto another droplet. It's been gloomy outside for the past two days and out of a whole month that has passed, I still felt the gaping hole in my heart. A hole of agony and pain. I hate it here. My sombre mood did feel a bit better today though after the talk I had with Dr Zondo, my psychologist. 

She was forced onto me by Bangi of course after all his failed attempts to fix me himself. I'm telling you, it came to a point where he hid everything that even looked like a weapon of destruction to me. 

He hid the pills, the knives and anything he thought I'd use as a way of harming myself. He even forbade me to take baths, only showers. It was a lot and it still is but right now I probably was thankful for his efforts than I was before, especially since I know now that what I have is serious. 

Dr Zondo called it situational depression and yes, I didn't know what to do with that information because I never thought I'd be faced with that. Depression was something I taught about, warning kids about the signs and symptoms and helplines they could use to reach out for assistance, never thinking I'd be sitting in that chair myself. 

A sleepy sigh snaps me out of my window thoughts causing me to turn back to the man in our bed. His hand was stretched out to my side even if he didn't awaken immediately. I think he just got too used to me not having enough peaceful sleep these days. I make my way back to bed and remove my gown before climbing in and snuggling closer to his warm skin. He stirs again, putting the hand I was resting on behind my back, opening his eyes slightly only to close them again.