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Chapter Fifty Two.

Chapter Fifty Two.

"Know this: you can start over, each morning."

••

I dry my body before stepping out of the bathroom smelling like myself again. My skin was nicely lathered in my lotion before I searched the bag Bangi brought for clothes. Nice, he bought my pajamas with. I get dressed and tie my braids into a ponytail before kneeling and praying. I pray my soul out, questioning how He — Our Father — could allow such happen when he's there watching and apparently protecting us from evil.
How was this protecting in any shape or form?

He said he would never give you more than you can bare. Well he lied. He gave me the world only to allow the devil to take it and yet I'm here praying to him? Praying to this God who says that I should carry a good heart when even the good heart gets torn into pieces. I shut up, calming myself down cause I was over this day and over suppressing my feelings for people who didn't have any.

My eyes open when I hear someone running down the hallway. The door bursts open and Bangi throws himself in looking really panicky.
"Amen," I say and get up. "And then? What's wrong?"
"I...I just got a call from Lerato telling me that your home is on fire. Zonke and someone else were in there when the fire started. Both are critical."
"Ah, I should've just killed them myself," I say and sit on the bed.
"Excuse me? I just told you that your mother's house burned to the ground and that's all you say? You should've killed them yourself? There could've been a whole group of people in that house when that fire started."
"I know but there wasn't, now please stop."
"You know- Zanokuhle I'm telling you about a fire that could've taken people's lives here and you don't even seem bothered by any of it. Or is there something I should know?"
"All you should know is that those two should've died, most especially since I know the other one is her lover dad."

"You don't mean that Zanokuhle."
"Kusho bani?" I frown watching the stunned look on his face. He puts his hands on his hips before using one to run across his face.
"I don't know this attitude I'm getting from you and I don't want to fight with you."
"Then I suggest we both go to bed then. I'm tired and I've had a sickening day of finding out some shit I would've preferred stayed in the dark where they were to even begin with. Cause all of this is stressing me out. Imagine losing my baby because of Zonke. Sies." I get up and open the covers and pause to take a look at the man who wouldn't move from where he was standing. "What?"
"Did you start that fire Zanokuhle?"
"Yes."
"What? I'm gone for almost two hours and this is what you do? What were you thinking!"

A lot of things really. I thought he said he doesn't want to fight. I sigh.

"Were you even thinking when you did this because this careless act proves to me you weren't. At which point did you think to yourself you're doing great, that you're doing something your mother would be proud of and- and something that wouldn't put your life in danger? Wena uhambe nesisu sethu to go commit a crime," he says and I keep quiet. I don't want to talk to him right now, in fact I don't want him here. I just pull the blankets over my head after switching off my side lamp.
In no time at all I hear the bedroom door shut close and silence.

Sigh.

•••••••••••••••••••••

I wake up, realising that I indeed slept alone the whole night through. That saddens me a bit because this was proving to me that he was angry. Too angry that he barely wants to be next to me. I have surely done the worst in his eyes and I couldn't fault him even one bit.

My fresh face stares back at me in the mirror and I honestly couldn't see myself. It had to be now that all of this surfaces, when I'm still trying to find my feet in this marriage. On top of this pregnancy and things going on in the royal house and in general our lives, this is something else I'm forced to deal with. I'm forced to face the possibility that Nomakwezi is laying in that cold grave because of someone I once called my father.