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Sixty Two.

Chapter Sixty Two.

"it's over."

••

Nzwano looked at me as she sucked hungrily on my breast. She latched on perfectly as I continued to caress her soft curly hairs with the tips of my fingers. If only she knew what was currently happening around her, she probably wouldn't have chosen me to be her mother. She should've picked a life with no bullets flying around or even a mother who actually listens cause now things were truly a mess.

For the first time in forever I'm laying here next to this tiny human wondering how my life would've turned out like, had I not met her father.

I probably was still going to be a wholesome teacher who loved and adored every learner sitting in front of her, while still being eager to teach and evolve them into better humans.
Maybe I would've met a normal guy that had a life that didn't have his life revolve around royalty, major responsibilities and the terrible spotlight. We'd have our own private life with no one knowing who Zanokuhle Dlamini even was in the first place. I wouldn't worry about if I wore a stunning designer dress out in public or if I said the correct things to people in this Kingdom.

So little would be expected of me and maybe just maybe I'd be happier bringing a child into an environment like that.

Bangi should've married Miss Princess back there... What was her name again... Nomuntu? Nomvula? Whatever it was maybe they would've balanced each other out just fine. She knows this life. She knows the ins and outs of it. She'd have respected him more especially after what happened a few hours ago. He'd be with her, all in good health and not blame herself for anything.

I'm so sorry Nzwano. Your mother is the worst. No one has ever wanted her in their life apart from this one stupid man who she even fails to obey. I've been arrested too... I mean what kind of a mother is that? Not the one I thought I'd be surely.

Now I'm teary again. Shit.

The bedroom door opens and just seeing him with the gauze covering where he was shot, makes me feel like I'm guilty. I was though... Because had he not defended me he wouldn't have such injuries on him. He'd be a 100% fine and happy. I've bought this man nothing but misery and drama. This commoner has completely ruined his life and now he has lost his father and brother... Because of me.

I couldn't even look at him with the amount of shame I have within me. He's not saying anything and that alone made the whole situation even more unbearable. I wish I was asleep, maybe then I wouldn't even have to face him at all.

He removes the bloody shirt he has on and disappears into the closet. This is my moment. I pull the blankets halfway over the two of us and place a pillow right behind Nzwanoyezizwe before switching off my bedside lamp and close my eyes, but actual sleep failed to become one with me.

I could hear him walk out of that closet, sighing and closing that door. I could also hear him turn off the lights and make his way to here. Laying down besides me without even touching me. That hurt. But it also made sense. I deserved no affection from him now and forever.

Now all I have to do is leave and accept that I have nothing left for me here. Nothing at all.

"Sthandwa sam."

Hawe ma. Why is he doing this?

"Mamakhe I know you're not sleeping... Talk to me."
"I'd rather not."
"Why? Sthandwa sam."
"I was wrong. End of discussion, can I get some rest now? I'll be out of your hair soon."
"What's that supposed to mean? "

I keep quiet. He knows what it means and there's no way I was saying it again.
"Sthandwa sam?" he comes closer, holding me by my waist and hovers over the side of my face. He takes in a sharp painful breath and I think of his wound. See.