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Chapter Sixty Five.

Chapter Sixty Five.

"Since I can't be with you right now I will have to be content just dreaming about when we will be together again." Susan Polis Schutz
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I put the toy on the other chair and hold her tiny forearm as she balanced, making her way across to fetch it. She wobbles patiently and falls onto my lap with a shared laugh. The toy subsequently goes into her mouth and I stop her, putting it on the other side. She doesn't want to get up though, instead we're fighting over my top and I know this is a battle I'll lose if I didn't comply. So like the walking titty master that I am, I whip one out and she sucks ahead.

Ours eyes interlock and I find myself smiling at her. She's too precious for me to deny her any of this and maybe I shouldn't deny her this when she's the only one I have.

"Mama uyak'thanda uyezwa?"

There goes that no teeth smile that never fails to melt my heart, ngathi she can understand everything I've just said. Even if she didn't, I meant it. She has to know that we all love her, including her father.  "Nappy change after this and then we'll play until you're sleepy."

I reach for my phone and check for any of the things I could've possibly missed while enjoying this play time session with Nzwano. An email... I'm already getting notices about Mr Dlamini and his hospital stay. He surely is making a better recovery than how I feel he would've back there in prison.

Oh Nonkanyiso texted me too and I'm sure it has something to do with our trip. I'm hit with the realization that this trip might not even happen anymore because I don't think you're supposed to leave an almost 10 month old alone for that long.

Sigh.

Maybe when she turns one Bangi and I will be able to engage in all that freeing and thrilling stuff again. Maybe if we also had a proper family I'd ask them to look after her for that time period. Is that too wrong for me to want?

"I don't think this will work for now. Maybe postpone? '

Not even a moment after sending that my phone rings

"Holy balls, mge uthini? I'm literally in front of my laptop looking for suitable places we could go to and you tell me this now? Wothi uyadlala."
"I'm serious mge."
"Haybo what changed? Did Bangizwe change his mind?"
"No not Bangi... Just me and the situation."
"But you were so excited. I was so excited...do your siblings know you're cancelling."
"I'll tell them."
"uSerious vele vele?"
"As a heart attack. Askies mge."
"Yoh hayi ungibhore for the whole year shem," she says and I chuckle.
"Next time mge," I mumble before she hangs up. I don't know if was entirely wrong for that or if she should've understood more.

After Nzwano's feeding, diaper change and more play time I go put her to sleep. I decide to lay down with her for just 5 minutes and then I'll be up to make myself something to eat and get busy with work...

'Zanokuhle...'
'Who's th-... Alakhe? You're... You're... What are you doing here?'
'I came to visit you.' he smirks. One moment he's there at a far distance, the next he's in front of me.
He's pale, with dark veins running like river creaks through his forehead and face. Rotting... He's rotting... He smells rancid but he's here. 'Here we're alone. Here I can make you mine.'

'Crazy. Crazy.'
'Are you telling me you still haven't noticed that I'm in love with you? That I want you for me? I know I was an asshole but-...'
'Stop. Stop.'
'Don't you love me? Don't you want me?'

Little by little he's woven back to life. Skin dark and rich with coily and proud hair rising from his head. He comes closer and closer until he's close enough to suffocate me.