For one last time || My story.

not just a phase.

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”

- Laurell K. Hamilton.
 

So family.

I have no idea where to begin from.

I mean there's so much to say and yet, I don't have anything to say.

I don't know if what I say even makes sense to you people.

But I'll try to explain.

I don't know what your family is like, but mine isn't really the best. But I also think I don't have the worst.
I have read stories of people living in households way worse than mine. My condition is nothing as compared to theirs.

But I feel trauma shouldn't be compared.
Just because someone has it worse than you doesn't mean that what you are going through is okay. No it's no okay. From the past 21 years of my existence I have now learnt that never compare your trauma with someone else's. 
Everyone's story and struggles are different.

So now coming back to my trauma I think it's best to begin from when i started maintaining a journal. It was the year 2012, when I was 12. I will add something from my journal back then.

.....

HUGE DISCLAIMER.

My English when I was 12 was really really poor. And the stuff I'm gonna mention here from my dairy won't be edited. It is gonna be as I have written it back then. So don't judge.

28th July 2012.

I have not been writing in my diary for many days because my life is miserable, every day just scoldings and nothing else.

My life is not atall nice. I think sometimes that I am adopted and I feel it's true. Because what they do to me, it is a type of how we treat dogs, donkeys and pigs. They think that I am their shoe. Not one person, each and every person is the same.

Sometimes I ask God why he gave me life. My mother abuses me in different types of bad words. She thinks I'm her shoe.

Father, I have no words for him. He is like a chameleon. He will sometimes be on my side and sometimes on my mothers side. Mostly on hers.

And it was a very long note…

By reading this you might think this is a childhood truffle between my family and I. And before you say that all kids go through that phase. The phase where they do not agree with their parents, a rebellious phase, but mine wasn't just a phase.
I thought it was but it isn't.
Because I am 21 now, and I still feel the hurt, the pain even now. Infact its worse than it was when I was a kid. Because as a kid the things that used to hurt me were petty sometimes, but now things are so bad. Very bad.

And I really wished it to be a phase and thought that it would go away with time. Like they say, "time heals wounds" that's bullshit.

Literrtally BULL-SHIT.

It's all a lie.

A lie in my case at least. Because time didn't heal my wounds. It made it worse.

It's like piercing a dagger through someone's heart, again and again and again.

I bled again and again and again.

It's like breaking someone so many times that they are not just broken anymore.... they are damaged; beyond repair.

Thank you for reading.