For one last time || My story.

VIII

Coming from a community where mothers are worshiped, you don't really get to call them toxic.

Even when they are.

I remember another traumatic incident where my mother scared me for life.

It was during those two years when my father forced me to study something I didn't want to study. Like I have said before, those two years were very difficult for me. They were traumatic.

I remember that day, I had gotten my results for a test which was very difficult. That subject in particular was very difficult for me, I hated it but I had to study it. So when I got the results of that test, I was not surprised to see I failed the test. I wont say i was a straight A's student but i was good at school until my father forced me to study something else for those two years. It was the first time I ever failed a test. Ever. I used to pass with good grades always. I was really scared to face my "parents" Because I failed.
I came home and I told my mother that it is very difficult for me to study and to continue studying... I also told her some negative thoughts I had in mind. Those were the days where I had a lot of suicidal tendencies in my mind and I know you must be suprised reading this, like from depression and bipolar to directly suicide. Like I didn't even mention my depression journey or whatever that is called. But I have been having suicidal thoughts for a long time. First time when i had the thought to kill myself is when i was 12, I'll elborate about it more later on.
So continuing from where I left, I told my mother that I had suicidal thoughts while coming back home from school. I told her that I was planning to jump off the bridge. FYI i dont know to swim, and I'm really scared of deep waters.
Her reply to my confession was not really shocking,but it still hurt like a bitch. She told me,
"No you can't die. What will happen to our reputation in society? What will our family say? What will people say? Your father and our ancestors have worked hard to build this reputation. Our frenemies will get a chance to tarnish our name. You can't do it."

This is what my mother said when I told her that I wanted to kill myself. I wasn't shocked but I was hurt. The reason why I wasn't surprised was because there had been instances in the past where she had preferred the family reputation and society over her daughter's happiness.
I don't even know why I told her when I kinda knew what her reaction would be. I think that there was a part of that expected her to say something around the lines of,
"No sweetie, you can't do this. What will happen to us when you go away? I can't lose my only daughter, we love you and whatever you are going through right now, we are going to be there for you, and we will help you get out of it. We will do this together my child, we'll get through it"

Or maybe I expected just a simple hug.

But I think I expected too much. I'm so stupid, I expect too much and always end up geeting hurt. And I'm so damn stupid that I cant seeem to learn from my mistakes.
I repeat them again and again and again.

I expect love from people who hurt me again and again.

I forgive people who hurt me again and again.

And I hate myself for it.

I hate myself for forgiving people who hurt me.

I hate myself for loving people who hurt me.

I hate myself for not hating them.

I saw this video the other day, and I could relate alot to it. So I felt like adding it here. But I just wanna say that I don't own any rights to this video. This video has been taken from YouTube.