For one last time || My story.

amnesia

“Depression is like a heaviness that you can’t ever escape. It crushes down on you, making even the smallest things like tying your shoes or chewing on toast seem like a twenty-mile hike uphill. Depression is a part of you; it’s in your bones and your blood.”

― Jasmine Warga, My Heart and Other Black Holes

This chapter is going to be a short one. Actually it would have been quite long If I didn't have memory loss from that time of my life.

Come to think of it, I wonder if it's normal to have memory loss just like that.. like I didn't meet with any kinda accident and hit my head. I am not old, so old age didn't cause it and I am not diagnosed with alzimers either. (I don't even know if young adults are even diagnosed with alzimers)
So why can't I remember things from that time of my life? 

Is it because I have depression? Because I read somewhere that people who have depression tend to suffer from amnesia - a partial or total loss of memory.

Or is it because maybe that time of my life was so traumatic that my mind has completely shut down those memories to protect myself? I read something like this happens sometimes.

I don't know what is the cause of my memory loss.

And I guess I never will…?

Okay so, the time of my life I'm talking about is when I was in grade 11 and 12. I don't know what part of the world you are from, but from where I am, those 2 classes/Grades are referred to as junior college. Some schools have junior colleges within their campus, some don't. 

Mine didn't either. So I had to leave my school and join another one. Leave my friends..... It was a bit difficult even though I hardly had any “friends”.

I scored quite satisfactory in my class 10 final term, I had a 3.4 out of 4.0 GPA in total. And 3.8 in science (biology +physics +chemistry) and a 3.8 in humanities. I know it's not the best, but I was the highest scorer in my whole family. But even that didn't make my father proud of me.

The reason I told you my score is because I meant to say, I could easily get any good junior college. But my father didn't let that happen. He forced me into the career path I didn't want. I tried to protest, but the peer pressure and “what will people think'' (log kya kahege) pressure was too high. What will people think pressure as in, what will people think when I, a topper, would choose a stream which was not for toppers like me. 

You know there is a stereotype where I come from. 

People with 3.0+ GPA choose a science based stream.

People with 2.0+ choose a business based stream.

People with 1.0+ choose humanities and other arts based streams. 

So imagine the embarrassment when a 3.8 GPA chooses humanities! 

SHAME SHAME SHAME

So I succumbed to the pressure and agreed to choose science. But I really wanted a good college, and wanted to enjoy college life. You must watch a bollywood movie, where college lifestyle is portrayed. It's not even a bit realistic but back then I thought it was. The glamour was so good it was hard not to notice. 

But my father crushed that dream too. He made me do distance education because he thought that was best. I hated every bit of it.

He made me join a tutoring class though, but that too was not good. The guys there were utter creeps. There was a guy who used to stare at me in a creepy way. So those two years were really difficult for me. I did make some friends... but when has my experience with friendships ever been good? The friends I made there were Aish, Ashle. Anu, Mrun among other classmates. My first friend was Anu.