For one last time || My story.

XIII

FRIEND.
 
/frɛnd/
 
a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations.

This is the definition google gave for the word "friend"

I googled it because I don't think I really know what friendship means anymore, if I'm being honest.

But before I start my story, I would like to share a poem I wrote in 7th or 8th grade. I don't how or if I wrote the first stanza, because the diction used in those four lines was way beyond me at that time. And please do not judge this poem.
Yes it sucks, I know. But at that time I was very proud of this poem. It may not make sense to you but it did to me. This poem was my dream friendship, the kind of friendship I wanted. But unfortunately never had. So here it is.

Friendship is like a garden of flowers,
fine and rare.
It cannot reach perfection,
without love and care.

I can talk with a friend,
I can walk with a friend.
And cannot hurt her,
but always care about her.

Real friendship is fun,
It's rare.
but tis
awesome.

Like I mentioned in the poem, you might have figured out I only had female "friends" at that time.

I have had a lot of different friends in these 21 years who came and went. 
Having one in thing common.

None of them stayed.

Let's begin with the very first friend I remember. I won't mention any of their names, either initials or nicknames will be mentioned.

Ri(RL) my first best friend. She and I were in the same school from age 3 to 16. But we were best friends only for five years, I think. She was in my neighborhood, so we were friends even outside school. We used to play,and build houses with umbrellas and dance on this one particular song that was very famous at that time but now is considered cliche. 
We were great friends.
I have a few happy memories with her. Nothing bad happened between us, it's just that she changed the neighborhood and I think when we were in third grade we started to have separate classes, so we just drifted away. She started to make new friends and forgot about me. I was mad at her at that time. But I forgave her even when she didn't ask for it. I eventually had to move on too. So we were in talking terms till garde 10. If we would meet in the hallways we would exchange smiles.
But she was my first best friend.
I don't think I have any bad memories with Ri, maybe bittersweet but not bad.

Then I became friends with Andy in 3rd  grade. She was nice. We were bench partners too. But she left me because some of her other friends told her to. 

Then I don't remember if I had any significant friendships in 4th and 5th grade. I must have had friends. I think… but no one significant. I was switching between groups. But there were days when I had no one to sit at lunch with. I  don't wanna talk about it because I can't help but shudder at those really bad memories.

I hated being alone. It was and to some extent still is my biggest fear.

I don't know in which year I met VB, Roach, AN RA. They were my friends till eight grade. AN, was till half of grade 10. But we were a group, always together. Things happened. We parted away, not on good terms. And I too was at fault this time.
I was still friends with AN but in 10th grade she gave my number to one of her guy friends who I didn't know atall. And he started calling me. I was super scared, because like I have mentioned previously, I never had guy friends. I was in a strict convent girls school and my family didn't want me to hangout with guys. So I stopped speaking to her too. I was mad at her. I was 13/14 and a guy was calling me again and again because of her.
 
In middle of garde eight I became friends with bhags, TD and some other people. Bhags and I were pretty close, but then she was more of a friend to AS than me, even when this AS girl hurt her many times. I used to get jealous of her friendship with AS, because I was more of a friend to her than AS ever was, but she preferred her over me. Always.
But we were friends till grade 10. She used to get jealous when u used to score more. But we did have some fun memories.

In grade eight again, I was bench partners with Natty. She was carefree. Didnt give a fuck about anyone. I have always been a rule follower and she broke rules. She was the opposite of me. I admired her sometimes because I was always such a worrier. I found her cool. She introduced me to her circle one day and guess who was a part of her circle???
Drum roll please….

Andy.

Yup, I met her once again. Andy & Natty were best friends. I forgave Andy even when she wasn't sorry because I wanted to be part of this cool group.

So we were friends even when I changed schools in grade 10. We used to go to cafes and have fun. They used to be one of those perfect girls with perfect body. They both were super hot and sexy. I used to admire their beauty alot.
But they made me feel dumb sometimes, because I didnt know much about place to have fun in our town and because I didnt have guy friends or a boyfriend. I remember I once showed a picture of a guy I liked and Andy made fun of me. Because he wasn't "hot"
They used to not click pictures with me sometimes when I didn't apply makeup. I believe that I look ugly without makeup for many years.

They weren't really interested in hanging out with me. I used to literally beg them to hang out with me. I remember my 17th birthday when I took them out for lunch and Natty got mad at me for some reason. It was my birthday and she managed to make it about her. Even Andy later on got mad at me because I threatened her that I won't give her the pictures we clicked and I was just kidding because they were making fun of me in front of their guy friend that they invited. But she was mad fir 2-3 days. 

I had my first smoke and tequila shot with them because I wanted to be cool and try it and I didnt want them to remove me from this cool friend group. My only friend group at that time. I don't regret that I did that because I am a person who always wants to try new things. Also, I didn't get addicted to any of it, but I sometimes think that the reason for doing it was wrong.

But still I loved them. Andy more than natty because I used to share stuff with her.
One day I confided in Andy about some of the shit I was going through. She was there for me. She let me cry. She didn't let me hug her and cry but nevertheless she was there for me. She was the first person whom I ever confided in. I felt better. 

But later on I gotta know that she told some of it to natty.
I was mad at her.
And heartbroken.
Even though Natty was my bff too, but I didn't want her to tell Natty at that time. I didn't trust Natty as much as I did Andy. Natty always made fun of me the most.
Andy knew how much she meant to me. But she broke my trust. That was the last straw for me with andy. I stopped talking to her. She didn't even make efforts to talk to me. Natty also parted away with me when I stopped talking to Andy.
Andy was my first friendship heart break.
They don't usually talk about it but heart break by friends hurts so bad.

I don't think I can hate Andy even after what all she did and I didnt even mention all of it.
But she was the first "best friend" whom I loved dearly. So I don't think I can ever hate her.

Note.

This is half of it. The other half I am going to mention after the coming chapter. So you won't completely understand what I am trying to say in this chapter unless you read three together. I will try posting those two within this week.

Also sorry for being late. I actually wrote a whole chapter which had like 1500+ words. But I decided to post it after a few chapters. Because it will make more sense then.

Till then bbye.
Take care.