For one last time || My story.

cut⚠️

Before you go on and read this chapter, I need to give a big 

TRIGGER WARNING⚠️

This chapter will contain of topics like self harm and sucide. I have given plenty of warning before but this one is darker than my previous chapters so I felt like giving a warning once again. So if you are sensitive to such topics PLEASE DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER

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You might imagine that a person would resort to self-mutilation only under extremes of duress, but once I'd crossed that line the first time, taken that fateful step off the precipice, then almost any reason was a good enough reason, almost any provocation was provocation enough. Cutting was my all-purpose solution.

Caroline Kettlewell, Skin Game

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I remember the first time I cut. It was for my ex boyfriend, Sam. It was on 7th December 2018. I remember the date so precisely because I took a picture of it, of my cut. (Will elaborate about this later)

I cut because I was hurt. He wasn't responding to my messages or calls. I think I kinda downplayed about how my (one-sided) relationship with Sam was, in our previous chapter, because Sam was very important to me back then. I was totally infatuated to him. I thought back then It was love. I used to think about him all day and night. I used to post quotes on instagram about how much I miss him and how he hurt me, but he never replied, just ignored me. That hurt me. And he just ignored me and left me, so him kinda abandoning me, hurt me really bad.

But If I'm being honest, I did it to get the sympathy of my friends, I think (not so sure). I wanted to look like a girl who's heartbroken. I mean I was heartbroken at that time, but I wanted them to believe me, to understand my pain. I wanted them to believe that I was hurt. 

I think I did it to prove to my friends that I'm not being a drama queen and I actually am hurt. 

It was like I wanted them to validate my pain. It was a small cut on my left hand. Two small cuts. My pain tolerance is practically non-existent, so it did hurt me even though it was just a small cut. 

Talking about pictures, taking pictures of my cuts is something crazy I did everytime I cut. I used to click pictures of my creations. I never posted it anywhere, just used to click it. 

Nobody in my family noticed my cut even though it was on my wrist, all open.

Of course they didn't. They didn't notice any of my cuts. 

I don't remember exactly when I cut my self for the second time.. I think it was for Sam... it was on my thigh. I think it was the right thigh. It was just after our breakup. The real 25th december breakup. I was, like I mentioned before, heartbroken and I felt it necessary to cut because, isn't that what breatbroken people do?

The next cut I think, was in March of 2019. It was because I was caught helping + cheating in my French finals. I kept telling the whole world that I was helping, but I never admitted that I also cheated. But now I finally do. That semester was very difficult for me. My literature test didn't go really well either. I messed up real bad in that exam too. I made a huge blunder. So I was frustrated, plus my relationship with my first ex best friend (Mon) from college was broken. There was a small missunderading which led to a huge gap between us. But she replied to one of the sad depressing shit I posted. And then I poured the dam out (Which is something stupid I do every fucking time a person shows just a care and love) I even sent her the picture of my cut. It was the first time I sent a picture to anyone of my self harm. I know I'm lowkey crazy and I'm not using this term loosely, I actually mean it. Everything was overwhelming back then. The french and english exam fiasco + breakup with Mon just hit me hard. I thought I deserved it when I cut. I deserved the pain, I deserve to suffer.

And the cutting kept on continuing. I don't remember the dates but I know I did a lot. I even once told Adi about it. But he thought… umm I don't know what he thought... I don't know if he took me seriously about it. I wanted to show him pictures of my cuts, but I thought he would think I have actually gone mad. His opinion mattered a lot to me back then, even now it does even though he is not a part of my life anymore. So I didn't want him to think I was crazy. Because if he thought I was crazy would make it real and even though I knew I was crazy I don't want it to be true. I don't even know if it makes sense to you guys.

I think till then I used to cut for attention. I wanted scars on me. Toldya I'm lowkey crazy. I wanted scars on me because I wanted proof that I was going through shit. I did it because I still thought that I deserved a prince charming and I thought that when he comes to save me and when he sees my scars, he will know I went through shit and he'll love me more. I know thats fucked up, and I hate to repeat, but toldya I'm crazy. That's the reason I still have pictures of my self harm. I bloody have a whole separate pendrive, just pictures of my cuts and videos of me crying about some stuff. Like literally wailing and bawling my eyes out. I know it's stupid of me to think like that, that he will love me more if he knows how broken in am but, I did think like that, like he'll come and love me more if I'm a mess. Like he'll embrace my scars and teach me to embrace them too. I think a part of me still thinks this way. It's difficult to change your beliefs you know, especially the ones you have had since you were a little kid.

Anyways coming back to now. I still cut somtimes. But the reasons are different now. Now I don't cut to gain anyones attention or to gain sympathy from some non existent future prince charming. I do it for myself. 

Now I cut whenever I have a bad fight with my family. I do it, so that when I wake up next Morin, and when the cuts hurt and stink, I should be reminded of what happened the previous night. Sometimes I pour hot water on my fresh cuts the next morning. It hurts so bad. But I do it to remind myself that I should not forgive them how they hurt me that I should remember the pain they caused me. I do it to not forget what happened last night.  To not just go and forget the shit they said or did to me. So basically I physically hurt myself to remember the emotional and verbal abuse I suffered last night. You might think im a nut case, but hey! I hate to remind you but I think I AM CRAZY.

It's not easy for me to cut myself. It is difficult. And very painful. But I do it because I  feel I deserve it. I don't want to do it. But I feel I need to do it. I feel I deserve it. I don't cut to get rid of some pent up frustration, cutting is not a coping mechanism to my emotional pain. It's like a thing that reminds me of shit that happened. It's a reminder that I don't deserve love. So is starving myself. I starve myself sometimes. Mostly when I'm angry or very sad. I'm fat. I'm 5.1ft tall and I weigh 60kgs. My brother and father keep reminding me of that. So I sometimes starve to loose weight, sometimes because I think I don't deserve food and it will help me in the future to attain my goal. I hate to starve myself. But I do it anyway. I hate starving myself because I'm a foodie I love food and I cant even stay hugry for long, it literally physically pains me to stay hugry, but I do it anyways. It's like I'm punishing myself. I think I punish myself to remind my self what kinda shitty person I am. 

But I'm a bloody stupid fucking ass dumb peice of shit. Because no matter how much I cut and punish myself I fucking forgive them every fucking time. It's like I can't be bad at them no matter how bad they hurt me. I just forgive them, and even forget. I'm so stupid and dumb, I cant even do one thing properly in my life, that is stay mad at them when they hurt me. I forgive them EVERY FUCKING TIME.

Before I end this chapter I wanna clear out one thing that, I never cut to kill myself yet. Never. It's never that deep. I never went that far yet. So yeah that's it for this chapter.

Thank you for reading.

I know this chapter was very all over the place, but you can't blame me and you? Writing stuff like this is difficult, I have no clue where to being and where to stop. Anyways I just wanna tell you guys that this is the beginning of really triggering chapters, all chapters after this one are gonna be sensitive, so don't read if you find topics like these triggering.