For one last time || My story.

a failure, a loser, a disappointment.

Felicity (daughter): When I was a girl, I hated myself. I thought I was broken; that no one could, or ever would, love me. It's the only way a child can grow up when their father abandons them.

Noah (father): Felicity...

Felicity (daughter): All I ever wanted to know was why. What was so wrong with me that you would leave?

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I wanted to continue the last chapter. There is so much more to the story, how and when it started to go downhill.

When I was younger, there were ups and downs in our relationship, I think they were normal because every relationship has its problems and we used to mend it too. 

But then there came a time when it got too much.

There came a time when I couldn't take it anymore. It was just too much. It was when I realised that he was toxic. 

First of all it's not easy to accept that the person who you have loved (and still love) all your life, the reason for your existence, the man you loved first, your father/parent is toxic. It never is easy to accept that. So even though he was toxic for quite a long time, I think most of my life, I only accepted it around 2017/18. 

He used to (still does) verbally abuse me a lot. The verbal abuse was bad, real bad. Words that no 12 years old should even hear were directed towards me. People usually don't consider verbal abuse as a form of abuse. But I think it is when it happens with you on a daily basis. Also physical abuse heals with time, but when you are abused with words they stay with you for as long as you are alive. I don't think a kid ever forgets when their parents verbally abuse them.

The other day he called me a slut and a whore just because I didn't agree with what he had to say about something. This is just the way he treats me. 

He yells at me almost everyday.

He yells at me for the smallest things.

He has this sick mentality that women are inferior to men. Whenever there's a chore in the house to do, I am supposed to do it and not my brother because it's a woman's job to do household chores, and that I am a woman and this is what I was born to do. He never does any household chores. Not even a simple task like putting your dirty dishes in the sink after your meal. Nor does my brother because that is the work on women. Not men. I know after reading this you may think that this is such a petty thing. But I think it's not. 

And I may be wrong.

He calls me a failure, a loser, a disappointment every other day.

I don't think he's wrong now.

I feel like I am a disappointment, and lemme tell you it's one of the worst feelings. I despise it to my core. I hate being such a loser.

He calls Me that because I didn't choose the career he wanted me to choose, I didn't do what he wanted me to do, I didn't fulfill his dreams.

For two years he made me study something I didn't even want to study. The pressure he put up on me was unbearable.

I felt like I was trapped.

I couldn't breathe.

Again I don't remember most of those two years because my memory seems to have blacked out. But the parts I remember... they are just so painful.

That was the time when my insomnia began. And when I told them I couldn't sleep at night, they thought I was making it all up. I told them multiple times that I have trouble sleeping, I still do.

They didn't believe me. And they still dont.

Yesterday, he told me that if I didn't score good in the competitive exam I'm supposed to give, he would kill me. I don't know if he really meant it. I don't think he did. But I'm not sure. He won't kill me because people will get to know and his image in society will be ruined, and he cares alot about his image in society than me. But he surely will get me married to some man. Forcefully. I don't wanna give that exam, but i have to. I'm too scared to say no. I don't wanna be a disappointment once again. I'm scared of the consequences I'll have to face if I say no.

Sometimes when I read books here about abusive families, I think I should be grateful. Because he doesn't physically abuse me right. So it's a good thing. There are people who go through far worse than this. I should be grateful that he lets me study. So many girls in my community are not allowed to study. I should be grateful that he gives me food, clothing and shelter right? But I'm not grateful. I feel bad for not being grateful. I feel guilty. Because gratitude is the best attitude right? I sometimes hate myself for not being grateful for what he gives me. Because all I need is their love, which I never get. I wonder why....

Is it that difficult to love me?

Am I that bad?

My mother and brother Hurt me alot too, but hurt from my father hit me worst because it was something I never expected as a kid. like I said before he was my hero, also the first person I ever loved, so when he broke my heart I was just shattered. idk if ill ever heal from all my other trauma, but I know for sure that I may never heal from the trauma my father caused me.