For one last time || My story.

they're supposed to love you, not matter what.

So let's talk about my mother.
You know the person who gave me birth, the one who bore me for nine months. The person who knew about me before I was even born. The person who was supposed to love me.

Mother.

I came across this clip one day and it made me cry hard.

It hurt so bad.

And it hurt because it was the truth.

Before you go any further I would just like to say that I don't own any rights for this clip. It is taken from a show called, criminal minds.

The dialogue goes like this...

"That's what moms are supposed to do... they're not supposed to be the cause of your pain, they are supposed to make it go away.
They're supposed to hold you, and tell you that everything is gonna be alright.
They are supposed to tell you that thunder is angels bowling, and that it's okay to be afraid of the dark and, that it's its not silly to think that there might be monsters in your closet... and its okay that if you wanna climb into bed with them just this once, because it's scary in the room when we are all alone.
They are supposed to say it's okay to be afraid and not be the thing you are afraid of...
But most importantly they're supposed to love you no matter what."

Every line felt so true, so real from this dialogue.

I don't think I was close to my mother growing up. I think I was always daddy's girl. So when he changed, the betrayal from him hurt like a bitch.

My mother has always loved my sibling more than me.
Always.
She was very affectionate towards him. Physically and emotionally both.
She still is.
The other day, when I had to share a room with my brother, she came to wake him up in the morning to wake him up and the way she did just hurt me.
I was so jealous.
She hugged him. Showered him with kisses. She patted his hair, you know in that loving motherly way. She was talking to him in such a sweet tone.
It hurt me because I can't remember ever being showered with kisses by my mother. Not even when I was sick. Not even after my ankle surgery. Never. Maybe she did when i was a baby. But not now.
I may have blacked out from some of my memories but this is something I will always remember. That she was never affectionate towards me. Nor physically, nor emotionally. Somewhere around in June 2020, I remember it was the first time she ever hugged me. That also was forced on her by my dad. The reason why she hugged me was because I had a mental breakdown in front of everyone for the first time ever. Since covid and being quarantined, my mental health has gone downhill. A Lot of people's mental health got affected because of this pandemic.
So I was quiet, quieter than usual.
I used to stay in my room all day.
I lost a little bit of weight, which was a huge thing because I can't lose weight. Even after hours and hours of exercise, i can't. And I did none during that time.
I felt low all day... I didn't feel like leaving my bed.
I had negative thoughts all the time. I had theories that this is the end of the world and we all are gonna die. I dearly hoped that.
So when it was my "happy birthday" time, I wasn't excited. I hate my birthdays for some reason. I will let you all know why later. So I wasn't excited to cut my cake on my birthday. I didnt wanna cut my birthday cake.
They made me do it forcefully. Calling me dramatic and all. I couldn't even fake a smile while cutting the cake.
I think that is when they started to notice, that something is wrong with me. Because my cake cutting pictures were shared with the whole family and they all started questing my parents why I wasn't smiling or why I wasn't happy. You see I have perfected the fake happy face so when I couldn't they all started wondering what is wrong with me. So one day they decided to confront me about it. The events that led up to that confrontation were very painful.

They still hurt like a bitch.

Physically and emotionally.
I don't think I could ever forget that day, even if I wanted to. It scared me for life. And scars don't heal. They don't go away.

Note.

I know i have mentioned before that i won't be having an updating schedule, but i thought i would update daily cause mt chapters aren't even chapters. They are really short, so I thought updating daily wont be an issue. But this chapter and the next one drained me emotionally. I wrote these chapters 2-3 days ago but I needed time to post them. They were difficult for me to write. But at the same time it was also kind of liberating. Also they are my longest chapters ever, they crossed the 500 words mark, so it was another reason why it took time to post. I will post the next one by tomorrow.