to die for [jsy + f!reader]

i : prologue

"I never mean to hurt you. You know that, don't you, [Y/N]?" she whispered to me as she sat with me on the cold tile floor, almost as if to brainwash me. It was like she knew every single thing before I would say it, like she knew exactly where my weakest points were.  At the time, I couldn't think of what that could possibly mean. Maybe that was a good thing. Staying ignorant
was always my first choice when put in an uncomfortable situation. Being kept in the dark is better to me than dying at the hands of curiosity.

"I know.." I began. "But then, why do you keep doing it?" I added on. I felt my eyes beginning to burn.

"What are you suggesting? That I do this on purpose?" She suddenly barked to me. Her gaze changed from sympathetic to cold in what seemed like less than a second.

There it was again. She was so difficult to understand. She had high highs, and low lows. One second she'd gush to me about how lucky she was to have me, and the next she sounded like she was disgusted to even look at me. I never knew what she wanted. I always stayed though. Always. Maybe that was my downfall in the end.

"O-Of course not—" I stopped to swallow the lump that had been forming in my throat for the past few minutes. "I just... sometimes I feel like this isn't normal. On television, I mean, things never look like this. I just feel like you're... really hurting me. I know you're my first.." I trailed off. My hand wended its way up to my lover's, attempting to grasp it in my peril.

"Television is always fake, dear. Of course this is normal. And, you know, it hurts me even more to have to treat you like this. I don't like to hit you. Sometimes it just happens. I'm sorry, baby. You know I don't mean it, don't you, sweet girl? If you behave, it won't happen again. I know what's good for you." The words slithered out of her mouth with such a sense of mellowness that was almost admirable.  But...

Did she really know what was good for me?

I pondered this question for days. Months, even.  It kept me up at night. Even I could barely figure out what was good for me. Maybe that's why I clung to her so fast. She always seemed like the kind of person to have everything figured out a step ahead of everyone else. She looked like she had her whole life together, laid out perfectly in front of her like a freshly set dinner table. She had such a bright future ahead of her. She was set to graduate with an engineering degree, and her parents had her set up with a job ready for her to take the second she made it out of uni. Everything about her was just too perfect. So perfect, in fact, that I often times felt I didn't deserve her. She was a quick actor, who preferred to stay in the present rather than dwell on things from the past. Is that why she always had no issue hurting me? Because she was able to move on so quickly?

No, of course not. She had already said that she didn't do this on purpose. Of course she didn't. She knew what was best for me, more than anyone else, even myself. I thought, at least.

Sometimes, what's best for you can hurt.

"You're right. I'm sorry for doubting you."

"That's my girl. Nobody knows you like I do. Nobody ever will. Remember that."

'Nobody ever will...'

"I know."

'That's right... nobody ever will.'

———

Monday.

I decided to spend my empty free period in the courtyard that day. The student dormitories were on the other side of the campus, and usually I'd have no issue walking my way over there, but I guess that day I was feeling particularly lazy.