Keep The Faith

10.

"You're here." Meredith said, sounding dazed and stupid as she watched Derek ambled up and sink down next to her on the porch.

"I'm sorry." He said, his blue eyes blazing.. "I had this dream, and I needed to see you...." He trailed off slowly, and reached down. He took her small hand in his, and locked their fingers.

"What are we doing?" she asked him. "We're out of control, Derek." He stroked her hand with his thumb and looked at her.

"I need to know how to leave her." He said. "And God, I wish I could figure it out."

"Don't know how to, or don't want to?" she asked, her voice meek, and quiet.

"Meredith, I love you. I love you in a way that just takes over me. I just don't know how to obliterate eleven years."

She nodded, and he pulled her close to him, and kissed her softly. He kissed her down into a horizontal position, and pulled at the ties on the scrubs she still wore.

A million things raced through her mind. It was so wrong. He was married, she was still dating Finn, they were on her porch. But she didn't care. None of it matter when she could feel him inside of her. And she could. Literally and figuratively.

There was desperation in the way they held each other there, on her porch. They clung to each other hard, so hard she didn't know where she stopped and he started. It was still pitch black outside, and she could see stars.

She hated that these perfect moments were tainted by how wrong it was, and how cheap she felt. She looked up into his eyes. "Tell me you need me." She whispered. He told her. It wasn't enough.

"Tell me you love me." She gasped. He looked right into her eyes, and it was almost too much for her.

"I love you." He said. She raised her mouth to his and kissed him, and closed her eyes to fight the tears she felt coming. She knew that he meant it, and that was damning, no matter how glad she was that it was true.

They sat on her porch for a long time after it was over, as the first rays of sun started to peek over the Space Needle. After what could have been a few hours or no time at all, he checked his watch.

"Your shift?"

"Six."

He smiled. "Come on. Breakfast." She shrugged, and followed him to his car without arguing.

He eyed her over plates of French toast, smiling tentatively at her, working up the courage to say things.

"What?" she asked, taking a sip of coffee and cutting French toast.

"This is all so...intense." He said.

Meredith nodded. "I'm still waiting for you." She said, sensing he wanted confirmation.

He nodded back at her, and they finished eating in silence. Meredith felt like the walls were closing in on her. Sex at the prom, that was a mistake, a cross roads. It should have been the turning point or the end, and it was neither.

This was no longer just a mistake, it was an affair. They were sneaking around, they were having illicit sex. But it was so much more than that. They were saying things. He told her he loved her, for Christ's sakes. They were confessing things to each other.

It was deadly. Sitting across from Derek Shepherd, eating French toast and drinking coffee? She felt more comfortable, more perfect than she did anywhere else. But it was deadly. He said he was going to leave her. But what if he didn't?

She'd be her mother. And that would kill her.

💉🩺

"Seriously?" Izzie asked. "You came to work with him? Isn't that a little bit risky, Mer? I mean, with the wife and all?"
Meredith shrugged and picked at her salad. "I don't know, Iz."