Keep The Faith

14.

Two Days

Derek was miserable. He was living in a hell of his own making, which made it all worse. It sucked to be miserable, but it sucked even more to have no one to blame but yourself for being that way.

Meredith hadn't so much as looked at him since yesterday, let alone speak to him. They existed in what felt like two separate universes. Her friends huddled around her every time he approached, and even when she was alone, she didn't so much as look his way.

He hated it. He needed her. After all, she was his Meredith. He'd gone so far as to offer her a surgery. A pretty good surgery, but she had shaken her head, looked down and muttered something about being in the pit.

So there he was, watching Karev wash his hands to scrub in.

"Why didn't Meredith at least want in on my surgery?" Derek felt himself ask.

Alex snorted. "Dude, she wants nothing to do with you until you figure out what you want. Which you don't have a lot of time to do, you know."

Derek raised his eyebrows. "Was that a threat, Karev?"

Alex turned to him. "You're damn right it was. You have until the end of the day tomorrow, or we will go to Addison."

At this, Derek's blood boiled. It was all too much. She hadn't come to Joe's last night. He had asked Addison if she wanted to go, out of nothing but hopes that Meredith would be there, but she wasn't. There was no trace of her at all.

He'd raised his eyebrows at George and Izzie in the obvious question, and had been met with only their cold stares. He had stayed for hours, praying she would walk in with Cristina, but she never came.

And this was it. He snapped, and it all rained down on Alex. "Listen, Karev," he barked. "Not only do I outrank you, not only am I your boss, I'm also better than you. I'm an excellent surgeon, and you could learn from this surgery. But, since all you can do is threaten me about my personal life that doesn't concern you, I don't think I can use you."

"When she stumbles into the locker room, hung over and puffy eyed, and mopes around all day, waiting for a page from you, it concerns me. When you hurt someone I care about relentlessly to feed your ego, or whatever the hell it is, make no mistake, Dr. Shepherd, it concerns me."

They stood, eye to eye. Derek really wanted to punch him. A clean hit to the jaw. That's what he really wanted. But he didn't. He merely backed down. "Get out of here." He tracked down Bailey at the nurse's station. "Dr. Bailey." He called. She turned around, hands on her hips. She looked him up and down and scowled.

"What can I possibly do for you, Dr. Shepherd?"

"I need an intern. I can't use Karev. We hadn't even scrubbed in and he was just... mouthing off. I'm going to take Grey out of the pit, okay?" He started to pull out his pager, but Bailey shot him a look that stopped him in his tracks.

"Don't you dare." She said.

He glared at her. "I'm your boss, you work for me. You don't get to tell me what to do." She raised her eyebrows.

"Follow me." She said in a tone that left no room at all for negotiation. So he did. He followed her to the pit. "Look at her." Bailey said. "Don't look at her as your intern, your Meredith. Really look at her. Look at how she's hurting."

Derek looked. And for the first time in weeks, he saw her. Her face was taut and pale; her eyes were sunken and hollow, completely devoid of shine. Her mouth was set in a tight line. Her face looked thin, and she just looked, weak.

He blinked a few times, and thought back. It all hit him at the same time. He had been so focused on himself, and how this was affecting him. It had been so much for him to deal with, he had completely forgotten about her. Guilt, pain and love racked him in three waves.

"Oh, Meredith." He whispered. He moved to go to her, but felt a hand holding him back. Bailey shook her head.

"What do you think you're going to do for her now?"

"Miranda," he said desperately. "You don't understand. You don't know. I just, I.. we've been..."

"Do I look stupid to you?" Bailey demanded. Derek looked at her blankly. He shook his head. "You think I didn't know this? You think I can't tell, can't hear them talk? I know what you've been doing. And I know that once again, you have entangled yourself into some kind of love geometry, and I'm telling you once again, straighten it out."

Derek looked longingly at Meredith. "If I could just talk to her, I could try to explain. I had no idea how hard..."

"See, that's your problem. You're so busy thinking about you, you, you, that you didn't see how difficult this has been for her. So you go. You do your surgery. And then you figure out how to fix this."

💉🩺

When Derek left the O.R, he should have felt triumphant. It was a grueling surgery, and he had gotten through it successfully. He would get to tell his patient's wife that she could take him home in a week. He should have been happy, pleased. Instead he felt awful, guilty and nearly sick.
Addison approached him in the hallway. "Hey babe." She said, kissing him on the cheek. "Are you done for the day? I have to see a patient in an hour, but it shouldn't take too long. Maybe we could go for dinner?" she asked hopefully.

"I'm really not in the mood." He snapped. She recoiled and blinked at him.

"Derek, what the hell is going on? You've been moody and withdrawn for weeks." She couldn't bring herself to point out that nothing had been the same since prom. And that things weren't all that great before that. Derek sighed and shook his head.

"It's nothing."

"It's obviously something."

"Addison? It's nothing."

"That's it, Derek? That's all I get?"

He looked at her for a long time. He was exhausted. His insides were twisting with the image of Meredith and the realization hit him. It was too late. "That's all I have to give." He said, leaving his wife standing, dumbfounded behind him as he walked away.

He milled around the hospital for hours, taking up as much time as he could. When it became clear there was nothing left for him to do, Derek trudged across the street to The Emerald City bar. He was going to resist the temptation to drown his foreboding in scotch, because if there was one thing he needed tonight, it was a clear head. He looked at the door to the bar and saw Cristina, blocking it with her arms crossed. Derek sighed, and vaguely wondered how she found things out so quickly.

"Dr. Yang. Preston." He said, approaching them.

"I hope that after all this; you're not letting her go." Cristina said bluntly.

"She wants a month." Derek said stupidly, sounding weak and indecisive to his own ears. "And I'm afraid it might be too late."

Cristina rolled her eyes. "Seriously, what is wrong with you? She's giving you a month. That doesn't mean she wants to wait that long. A month is all the hope she has left, Dr. Shepherd. Her stupid, Meredith like, ever steadfast faith in you is waning."

Derek looked down. "Exactly why she won't believe me if I say I'm leaving Addison now. No matter what I say, I'm just going to let her down."

Cristina looked at him, disdain evident in her glare. "So quit acting like a little kid at recess and show her." With that, she gripped the door, yanked it open and stomped inside Joe's leaving a bewildered Derek in her wake.

Burke caught the door before it slammed shut and followed his girlfriend inside. Seconds later, his head popped back outside the door. "The papers, Shepherd." He said. "Try the papers."

And then it hit him. Like a ton of really heavy bricks. Divorce papers. He still had them. Addison had never asked him for them back. She had never mentioned them again, after he had neglected to sign them, but he had kept them.

He turned on his heel and headed for his car. It was time to wake up Meredith Grey.