Keep The Faith

12.

Finn Dandridge was not an irrational man. In fact, most would say he was pretty damn rational. He listened, he calmed down, he fixed. But last night, when Meredith Grey had told him that she was still seeing Derek Shepherd, he hadn't been rational.

Maybe it was because he didn't understand it. Why she thought this time would be different, what convinced her it would be a good idea. He sighed and looked down at his shoes before finishing the walk into the lobby of Seattle Grace hospital.

He had to, at the very least apologize. He couldn't help but smile as he saw Meredith trudging out into the lobby in her jeans and sweater, coat and bag over one arm.

She saw him and changed the direction her feet were numbly carrying her in from her car to the man who had gotten caught up in the wreckage that was her and Derek.

"Hi." She said.

"Hi." He motioned to the seat next to him. "Can we talk?"

She nodded, and as she sat down, Finn couldn't help but notice the dark circles under eyes, and the lifeless look in them.

"I'm sorry for the way I stormed out on you last night." He said. "I was shocked, and hurt, but you didn't deserve that."

She shook her head. "No, I did." She said quietly. "I deserved that and a lot more. Finn, I'm so sorry."

Finn looked over at her and smiled sadly. "But you're not sorry." He said gently. "You may be sorry for hurting me, but you're not sorry for being with him."

Meredith shifted in her chair so she was facing him. "I don't know how to be without Derek." She whispered, the confession tumbling from her lips. "When he was trying with Addison, I felt like I'd never know who I was again. I don't know how to breathe without Derek in my life."

She took a deep, shaky breath and continued. "He killed the man who abducted me." She said, laughing bitterly. "How ridiculous does that sound. And he told me he loved me. And he asked me to wait for him to find a way to leave his wife...." Her face crumpled, and tears started to fall. "But I don't know if he ever will."

Finn placed a comforting hand on her back as she dropped her face into her hands and cried. "You should have told me you were this scary and damaged." He said jokingly.

Through her tears, he heard her laugh, and she picked her head up and wiped her eyes. "So what do you think I should do?" she asked earnestly, looking Finn in the eye. "It's been weeks, and all he can do is ask me to wait."

"Meredith, all we can do is follow our hearts. If you love him, and you need him that much, you're going to have to steel your resolve, keep your faith, and wait for him." He pulled her into an awkward, one armed hug. "I'll be here if you ever need a friend."

She smiled. "Thanks Finn."

In the form of a true gentleman, he walked her to her Jeep and watched as it sailed across the road and pulled into a parking space at the Emerald City Bar. He watched as another car pulled up along side her as she climbed out of her.

He watched her as she stood, talking to the driver, before going around and getting in the passenger seat. The car took off and headed for what looked like the harbor.

Finn sighed, and made his way towards his own car. "I hope you know what you're doing, Mer." He whispered to the retreating vehicle that had her inside of it.

💉🩺

Sex with Meredith was not uncommon these days. It was adulterous, wrong, exhilarating and wonderful, but it was not uncommon. When she had arrived at Joe's Derek had taken the opportunity. He drove them to that place, overlooking the ferry boats. He just wanted to talk.
But as it usually did these days, one thing led to another, and now she was under him in his car, like they were teenagers or something. Derek was struck by how beautiful she was, even after a night of binge drinking and day of paying for it.

She closed her eyes, tipped her head back, grasped his shoulder and shuddered underneath as she came, and he couldn't stop staring at her. She was a goddess to him, some gorgeous being he was lucky enough to have.

When they finished, and her eyes opened, they were staring at him with the most heartbreakingly vulnerable look of utter trust and faith he had ever seen. It brought tears to his eyes.

They dressed quietly and got out of the car for reasons neither of them could define.

"How are you?" he asked her, as they leaned against the hood of his car, staring out of the moonlight harbor.

She shrugged and bit her lip as her eyes filled with tears. He walked over to her, and folded his arms around her, pulled her close and hugged her tight. She wasn't sure how long they stood like that.

"Is this what we've been reduced to?" she whispered to him, pulling. "Is this all we have now? A few moments after work?"

"Meredith, I'm sorry."

"Derek, you don't get it. It's Addison. She's the catalyst, she's the reason all this is happening."

"She's my wife." He murmured.

"You're not being true to yourself."

"I love you."

"Then leave her." Meredith looked surprised at herself, and Derek's eyes widened. "There." She continued. "I said it. You say you love me, and I believe you. But I can't keep doing this, Derek. Back and forth, up and down? I'm not a yo-yo."

She put a hand on his cheek. "So let me make it easy for you. Her or me. I won't cry, I won't beg. But I'm giving you a month. A month during which I won't sleep with you, or get kidnapped. We'll just be. And at the end of that month, it's her or me. And if it's her, I'm leaving. Because I just can't do this anymore."

"Leaving?" he echoed. The implications of the word seized him with terror.

"Don't you see it, Derek?" she asked, intertwining their fingers. "Loving you is all I have left. If I can't love you, and have you, I have to erase it all. I'll have to start over. It's up you."

💉🩺

The gravel crunched under his tires as he pulled back up to Joe's. She jumped out the car before he had a chance to park it, and went inside. Since Addison hadn't made it yet, he sat next to her at the bar.
"This isn't going the way I hoped." She said without looking at him.

"What were you hoping for, Dr. Grey?" he asked playfully, hoping she would lighten her tone.

"I was hoping that giving you an ultimatum would make you see how much you love me, and you'd end it now." She said sadly, staring down into the shot glass in front of her.

"I do love you, Mer." He said, in hushed tone. "But I need all the time I can get." The door to the bar opened with a jingle, and in walked Addison, looking, as usual, fabulous.

Meredith's hand tightened around the shot glass, and she poured it down her throat. "Right." She said loudly. "Thanks, Dr. Shepherd. I'll check on that patient first thing in the morning. I'd hate to make you wait." The harsh, bitter tone in her voice wasn't lost on him.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, before sliding off the bar stool to dutifully kiss his wife on the cheek. From his position at the table he shared with Addison, he spent another night watching her empty a bottle.

💉🩺

Later that night, Izzie held Meredith's hair back as she threw up into their toilet. "How much did you have?" Izzie prodded gently. Meredith shut her eyes.
"Too much."

George returned with a glass of ginger ale. "Mer, why?" he asked. She turned to face them and accepted the glass of ginger ale. She slumped against the toilet, planning on not telling them, but the concern in their expressions was genuine, so she started talking.

"Derek picked me up at Joe's, and took me to our place. Where we watch the ferry boats. We had sex in his car. I told him he had a month to decide, Addison or me, and then we went back to Joe's and he said he needed all the time I had to give."

She turned back over the toilet as nausea rose inside her again, and George left the room. When he returned he was carrying pillows and blankets, and he made a bed for the three of them right there on the bathroom floor.

As they all settled down to go to sleep, Izzie and George locked eyes. One day down, four to go. Just because Meredith was willing to wait a month didn't mean her friends were.