Keep The Faith

19.

Addison sighed and slumped towards an on call room. Two weeks ago, she was married. Now she was divorced. And divorce was exhausting. Divorce kept you awake at night, it kept you tossing and turning until it was dawn and you realize you've only slept for an hour or so.

Now it was only six o'clock, and she was so tired her eyes were fluttering shut over the chart she was scribbling on at the nurse's station. So she trudged towards the on call room, the most remote on she could think of. She wanted to be alone. She wanted to curl up in the darkness and cry, and think about how she didn't know who she was anymore.

She didn't even know if she wanted to cry because she lost Derek, or if she wanted to cry because in losing Derek, she realized she had no idea who Addison was on her own. She shut the door to the on call room and huddled on the bottom bunk in the far corner of the room. She covered herself in blankets and turned off the lights.

💉🩺

Cristina eyes Meredith as they waited for the elevator. "What?" Meredith asked, feeling her friend's eyes on her. Cristina regarded her, the change in demeanor. Her eyes were shining, her face was fuller, her skin was glowing. Her movements were quick and happy.
"You're happy." Cristina said. Meredith smiled.

"Yeah. I'm happy."

Cristina nodded. "That's good, Mer." She said. "Just don't start baking."

Meredith laughed. "Not a chance." She smiled again and pushed her hair off of her face and bounced onto the balls of her feet. Cristina rolled her eyes but hid a smile. She wasn't going to bounce or smile so hard her face might break, but she wanted that for Meredith. She wanted that for Meredith. The elevator doors opened, and like in a movie, there was Derek, leaning against the side of the car, embodying every aspect of that McDreamy nickname. Meredith's eyes lit up even more. Cristina rolled her eyes again.

"Okay, seriously, Mer, you look radioactive." She said. Meredith didn't hear her. She was already in the elevator, making doe eyes at Derek, waiting for the doors to close. Cristina made a face. "Yeah, I'll take the stairs." Derek mouthed a silent thank you to her as the doors closed.

💉🩺

Addison heard the door creak open, followed by the distinct sound of a body being pushed against a wooden door. It's Burke and Yang, she told herself. The next sound that pierced her perfect miserable silence was a low, carnal moan that she recognized, one that came from Derek as Meredith pushed her body against his, her hips into his. He pulled his lips away from hers.
"Don't start anything you can't follow through on, Mer." He said breathlessly. Through the dark, she grinned at him devilishly.

"Who says I can't follow through?" she asked, biting his lower lip gently. His hands found her hair and tangled in them as they kissed furiously. Addison cowered in her corner bunk. It was dark, and they were clearly focused on each other. They wouldn't notice her. They would never notice her. She should have left. She wanted to leave, but they were still blocking the door. Or maybe she didn't want to leave. Maybe it was a masochistic need to see what he had left her for.

Derek pulled away from Meredith tracing her lips with his fingers. "God, you're beautiful." He breathed into the dark. Meredith smirked.

"You're just saying that to get sex, you dirty man."

"Maybe." Derek said, kissing her neck. "But you are beautiful." He slipped a hand under her scrub top and decided not beat around the bush. His fingers traveled under her bra easily. She let out a breathy sigh.

"Oh, God Derek." She said. Addison squeezed her eyes shut and tried not to picture it. Meredith pulled the knot open on Derek's scrubs and slipped her hands down his pants. His breath hitched in his throat, and he kissed her hard and moaned into her mouth. She smiled against his lips and stopped the movements of her hands.

"Jesus Meredith." He muttered. She grinned and teased him a little.

"You give it up so easily, Dr. Shepherd." She said in a light voice. He wrenched her hand out his scrubs and started to pull off her pants. She giggled and shivered as his fingers sent shockwaves across her skin.

When she had stepped out of her scrubs, he picked her up enough so she could wrap her legs around his waist. "I really love you, Meredith Grey." He said.

"Now I know you're just saying that to get sex." She murmured breathily. Derek shook his head.

"No. That one was genuine. I really love you." She leaned forward and whispered that she loved him too into his ear. He positioned her around him, and her head fell back gently as she groaned.

"God, Derek, I need you." She said. Addison was frozen now. She couldn't move, she couldn't breathe. The walls of the on call room felt like they were closing around her slowly. She was going to melt into the bed and cease to exist entirely if she spent another second listening to them, but she couldn't move a muscle. Finally she sat up. They still didn't notice her. She staggered to her feet.

Over Derek's shoulder, Meredith saw a glint of red. "Addison." She said. She dropped her arms from around Derek's neck and unhooked her legs from around his waist. Derek spun around, to see the form of his ex wife standing there. "Oh my God." Meredith said. The three of them stood there for a moment, Addison frozen, facing the united front of Meredith and Derek, his pants untied, hers on the floor. They stared at each other, the woman who had him looking in pity at the one who had lost him. "Addison..." Meredith said the apology she'd intended dying on her tongue.

Derek pulled her away from the door. "Addie..." he started, but he didn't know how to finish either. Addison just stared at them, until she finally looked at the floor. She shook her head, fighting tears and left the room. Meredith sank down on the bed and buried her face in her hands. Derek sat next to her and rubbed circles on her back. "Mer..." he said.

She shook her head. "She looks so broken, Derek." Meredith said, wringing her hands together. "We did that to her. Oh God." She said. Derek placed a hand on her chin and tilted her face towards him.

"Hey." He said. "Meredith, this isn't your fault. I love you. You love me. I couldn't... I couldn't stay with her, and feel this way about you. That would have been worse. You know this is it. This is the end all, Mer. I'm here for good."

"I know. It's just..." she trailed off. They were passed this. They had discussed it. She didn't want to say it.

Derek sighed. "Just what?" Meredith looked at him, a flash of pain evident in her eyes.

"It's just I know exactly how she feels. Seeing you with me. I know exactly how that feels." Derek closed his eyes, opened them and leaned down to kiss her.

"Meredith, I'm so sorry." He whispered.

💉🩺

Addison staggered to the first door she could find. The intern's locker room. It was empty. Seven o'clock wasn't really prime time to change and go home. She sat on a bench with her head buried in her hands and let tears leak out of her eyes. Her mind was on replay, the sounds of Meredith and Derek flowing through her head. I really love you Meredith Grey. The door swung open. She didn't look up, hoping whoever it was just go away.
"Addison." Meredith said tentatively, stepping into the room. Addison lifted her head from her hands, and Meredith was struck to see how different she looked with red rimmed eyes and mascara running down her cheeks. "I'm so sorry."

Addison laughed bitterly and looked at her. Her hair was a mess, her cheeks were flushed and her scrubs were askew. "You're sorry." She said. "Thank you." She spit out. She looked down at her empty ring finger and back at Meredith. "Two weeks ago, I was his wife." She said. "Can you possibly understand how hard this is?"

Meredith wrung her hands together and nodded. "I know exactly what it feels like. Like someone cut your heart out and stepped on it." She said. "I know what it's like to see him with someone else." Meredith whispered quietly.

Addison wiped the tears that were still falling down her cheeks away harshly. "Well you've got him now, Meredith. In a way I never, ever had him. He thinks you're beautiful. He loves you. I get it. I don't need you here to remind me of it. So just leave."

"Addison..." she tried one last time.

"Dr. Grey. Please go." Meredith opened the door and shut it behind her, leaving Addison alone.