November (ManxMan)

Twelve

Dr. Fletcher was a nice elderly man. His office was bigger than my old apartment but that wasn't something I focus on. The first three times I went to his office I sat down in silence for the entire hour but he didn't say anything, didn't force me to talk even though I know he was given the low down of what had happened.

This time though, the words come out but it wasn't what I thought they would actually be.

"Is Aizen good for me?"

"Why would you ask that?" Dr. Fletcher asked, looking at me. He wasn't like those therapists I see in movies that have a notepad with them, instead he just looked at you. As if letting you know he was there for me.

"I keep thinking, lately. I keep wondering what would have happened if I had met him first." I said, leaning against the chair, my head resting on the edge.

"Is that something you feel like you should be thinking about right now?" Dr. Fletcher asked and I looked at him, wondering what he meant by that? He asked the question like he was confused. I thought I was the one that was meant to ask him questions.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Are you ready to have another romantic relationship with another man, right now?" he asked and I blinked at him. I hadn't been lying when I said I have been thinking what if I had met Aizen first but not once have I considered something romantic? I don't even know what exactly it was that I was considering. I just kept thinking about that one particular line. What if I had met Aizen first?

"No."

I wasn't ready. I felt like I was messed up from my previous one. Nobody knows exactly what it is they are expecting from a relationship but the two people involved go in with truth and understanding and I gave that to the blonde bastard but he turned it to trash and turned me to a man who was scared of liking someone enough to be in a relationship with them.

Was I interested in Aizen? I would admit, over the weeks we've been getting closer and he didn't get upset at me when I told him I had spoken to Dr. Fletcher about anything despite visiting for three weeks with Aizen waiting outside. Just like he is right now.

"There's something called a transference.  It's when the victim thinks they have or must develop feelings for the person who saved them. I know what you've been through but I didn't experience it first hand, you did. I don't want you to keep yourself away from future or present men, if you will, that would genuinely take care of you, want to date you, even want to marry you. It's because of this and the questions you've asked that I ask that we start from the beginning. Wherever it's comfortable for you."

"Nothing about that. . .is comfortable for me to speak about." I said with a sigh. I folded in my legs and adjusted myself until I was lying down on the couch and looking up at the ceiling. "He was nice to me at first, took me out, bought me things and I used to gush to my ex friend about him. It changed when he asked me to move in with him. It started with the little things, silent treatments when my clumsy ass breaks something to fingers knocking against my forehead when I did something wrong."

"Those aren't the right reactions to have to happenings like that. Are you aware, Deri?" Dr. Fletcher asked and I sighed again. Of course I knew it wasn't right but back then. . .it had seemed like a reasonable reaction because he was all up in my head. He made me scared.

I told the good doctor as much and he remained silent. So I continued talking.

"He made me scared and locked me in. Of course I could go out but I could never go past the grocery store. He beat the fear into me and my so called friend never called to ask or even text me. If it was the other way around, I wouldn't have given up that easy."

"Sometimes, in life, we meet people we think we are going to be friends with for life. Let me tell you a little secret, Deri." Dr. Fletcher said, smiling softly at me. "Some friends we make early in our life, some friends we make in the now. Some friends are sometimes something you need then and there in that environment, not that you actually care for them."

"I think I know what you mean."

"You should cut out anyone who you think isn't good for you and you shouldn't feel bad about it. You as your own person know your worth." Dr. Fletcher said.

"How long am I going to feel this way? how quickly can I recover? I want to move on with my life and not overthink when I date. . . if I ever date."

"Everyone heals differently, there's no set amount of time. It's only the pace that defers. Sometimes it could be slow or quick." Dr. Fletcher replied. "You, my dear, I know, are going to be fine." He said with a smile.

The buzzer on his table sounds and I give him a knowing look. The good doctor chuckles at the expression and shakes his head at me. He does this in such a fond way that you'd think we have been friends for longer than I have been coming here, despite it being my first time speaking.

"I'll see you next week, Doctor."

"You too, Deri. It was lovely speaking to you today." He said.

Like always, he walks me out of his office and to the waiting room where Aizen was waiting. When the other man sees me, his face lights up and he stands, buttoning his suit as he does. He makes his way over to the good doctor and they shake hands, exchanging pleasantries.

"Have a nice day, Doctor."

"You too, Deri."

Aizen looked really pleased as he watched the doctor and I talk. When we walk out of the building, he reaches for my hand, interlocking our fingers. He gives my hand a light squeeze and I smile up at him. This man.

He always takes three hours off work so he could get me to therapy on time and so we could also stop and have something to eat. Sometimes he doesn't even go back to the office and just follows me home. Okay, maybe it was one time but knowing Aizen it would be something he would continue to do.

"How was it?" he asked when we were almost at the car.

"It was good." I replied, honestly. There was still a weight on my shoulders but it wasn't as heavy as it was before I spoke. It was true what they said about sharing your problems. Aizen doesn't push and I appreciated that. He pulls open my door for me, letting me in and shutting the door once I was seated. I watched as he walked over to the driver's seat.

He looked really good today. He was in a black pinstripe suit and a white shirt inside. He has that shiny watch stapped to his wrist, his hair brushed back from his face with just a few strands coming loose. I could see the line of his scar on his face but it only made him even more handsome. For the thousandth time I found myself thinking, what if I met Aizen first?

"What do you feel like eating?"

"Do you have to go back to the office any time soon?" I asked him.

"I don't even have to go back for the week." Aizen said and I giggled. He was so silly sometimes. I knew he had meetings this week and it was only Tuesday but he kept saying and doing things like this, making me feel like I was more important. "Why? What do you want to do?"

"I want to make lunch but we'll have to go shopping for some stuff." I said, looking at him.

"As you wish, Deri." He said and I smiled at him. For some reason, those words felt familiar, like I had heard it before, somewhere but I just couldn't place it. Aizen stops at the grocery store closet to his house. He grabbed a trolley and remained by my side as me moved from one aisle to the next, picking out what we were going to need for lunch and some other stuff for the house.

"Get the strawberry one." Aizen argued.

"You don't like strawberry jam. You say you do but you abandon it in the fridge!" I argued back, placing the jam back on the shelf and picking up the blueberry one he liked some much that I once caught him eating with a spoon right from the jar.

It felt great how close we were becoming. It felt great having a friend like Aizen.

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