Sparks and Hearts

Trapped in anxiety

Ah, December, the countdown to Christmas had begun. A time of year where excitement, food, presents, family, a cheeky advent calendar, and an endless supply of alcohol to wash it down are on everyone's minds. Unfortunately, along with the Christmas spirit comes the dreaded increased social anxiety, potential sensory overload, and awkward moments that join the festive season. To top it up, being a Christmas baby is the icing on the cake.

Don't get me wrong; I love Christmas. Nothing brings me more sensory satisfaction than sparkling baubles, shiny tinsel, and twinkling lights to fixate on, but the weeks of preparation, manic shoppers, and anxiety of upcoming social events and overload was not as easy to cope with. Usually, I would fly here in time for Christmas and New Year, but I was in for this year's entire family Christmas experience. Thankfully over the years, my parents learned to accommodate my needs and organized Christmas to be as stress-free as possible; everything was discussed, planned, and prepared in advance. 

Our first mission was to head to a bigger mall over the other side of the city early in the morning to grab new decorations and the first of many food trips. However, despite the pretty and calm atmosphere and the beauty of Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas vocals filling my ears did little to improve my mood; it was almost taunting me. 

Ever since that night. 

I had a feeling after that kiss my nights would be as restless as a newborn mum's; thankfully, I lacked the baby with only my racing thoughts keeping me awake until dawn, excitement, and butterflies refused to settle. However, those feelings were soon replaced with anxiety, uncertainty, and complete confusion as minutes turned to hours and hours turned to days without hearing a single thing from Barricade. 

With each passing day, the uncertainty of the situation was beginning to take its toll; though I tried hard to hide my deteriorating mood, it failed to go unnoticed. Instead of spilling the truth, I kept my answers short and simple, from my usual mood swings to feeling unwell, anything to keep them from pressing further. 

Did I do something wrong? 

''Bea.'' 

Where do I stand in this?

''Bea'' 

He flirted with me, kissed me, and now ignored me. Disappearing without a trace, even with aliens, men seemed complicated.

''Bea!'' Mum raised her voice, finally breaking my thoughts grabbing my attention.

''What?'' I questioned.

''Are you alright?'' 

''Yes, of course, mum. Just tired is all; I've not been sleeping well.'' So I told, which wasn't a lie. 

''I noticed; I heard you pacing. So what's going on?'' 

''Nothing'' 

She sighed ''You might be able to fool many people around you, but don't play dumb with me, Berengaria; you've been... low for days before you were bouncing like a lamb in spring; now you're emotionally overwhelmed, moody and melting down.'' She eyed me. 

Shit

''Mum, please, I'll be fine. I have mood fluctuations, and you know how it is sometimes.''

''No, this is different.'' She pressed further. 

Damn, she was good

''Mum, please, leave it.'' I pleaded, warning her pushing me further would result in making it worse. 

After a minute of silence ''Alright, I can see you're not ready, but I'm here when you are.'' She smiled, squeezing my arm supportively. By now, she knew when to pick her battles with me, and for that, I am grateful. It hadn't always been like this.