Since The Beginning// A MerDer FF//

Chapter 28

TW: DEPRESSION AND MENTIONS OF SUICIDE

Meredith laid in her bed, it was the weekend and they had no school.

She had been there since Wednesday, when they made her go home early.

She only ever got up to use the bathroom, only eating once the past week.

"Mer, come on. Please eat." Derek pleaded.

"Imnothungry" she murmured into her pillow.

"Please. Take a shower. Do something. Please Meredith!"

She turned over, her eyes dull and aligned with dark bags. Her hair was oily and matted.

"I can't-,"

"What do you mean you can't!?"

"I can't because it's exhausting to just sit up in bed! I have no way of making anything go away. I still have another trial, and Alana K Hill is back at school. I just want to stay here so go away!"

"I'm not going away." He crossed his arms.

"And I'm not eating."

"You have to eat. You need food to survive."

"That's the point." She mumbled, as she rolled back over.

"Mer.."

"Just go away, please."

"Why are you being so stubborn?"

"I just want to go back to bed."

"No! You can't lay around all day!"'

"Yes I can."

"Mom and dad are worried, Mer."

"I get that. But it is so hard."

"You don't get it! You are putting stress on them! We just want you to be okay!"

She jumped up and grabbed her bag.

"If I stress everyone out so much, I'll leave." She started putting clothes in her bag.

"Where are you gonna go?!"

"My house."

"This is your house."

"Not anymore."

"Meredith, you can't just walk out like this!"

"Der..It's not that I want to. It's that I have to."

"No you don't!"

"Yes, Derek, I do. If I separate myself from you, it will hurt less. For you and me."

"What?"

"Just..trust me."

"You're not thinking about..." He trailed off and when her face dropped, he knew the answer.

"No, Meredith! We need you! I need you!"

"Derek, I wasn't a part of your family to start with. I'm just the girl who moved across the street. The one who made mud cakes because she didn't have a real one. You felt bad and Carolyn took me in. You can have your family back."

"Mark wasn't either! But he is as much a part of this family as me! And you!" He pleaded.

"Derek, Mark doesn't bring problems. He doesn't bring medical bills and gunshots. No PTSD and anxiety attacks."

"Who is going to help you fall asleep when you have a nightmare?"

"I don't plan on having nightmares. When I go to sleep, it will be mindless and peaceful and forever."

"Please don't."

She gave him a small smile before turning around and jumping out the window, down the tree and running to her house.

"Mom! Mom!" Derek yelled as he ran down the stairs into the kitchen.

"What is it, sweetie?" She wiped her hands on her apron and turned from the ball of pizza dough on the counter.

"Meredith! She- she got upset and ran to her old house!" He sobbed.

"I'm sure she'll be fine. She may just need to cool off."

Derek shook his head. "No, Mom, no. You don't get it. She is staying there. She-she is..she's" He cried once more.

"She's what, honey?"

"She's suicidal. She wants to die, Mom."

"Oh dear."

(Mer's POV)

I walked into the house that was never home. I felt bad for leaving, but I did it so I wouldn't hurt him. 

Everything was the same, except for some things missing here and there.

The picture my 5 year old self drew was still hanging on the fridge. Everything was pretty dusty and there was no electric or water. I had a water bottle in my bag and my old room had a battery powered lamp.

I looked under the cabinet for a bottle of tequila. 

Great. I thought. Ellis had left 4 bottles, unopened. Along with some other alcoholic beverages.

I popped a bottle open and downed half of it. 

I never thought I would be the girl who drinks her head off,  but here I am.

I played down on the couch and fell asleep, ignoring the sound of the stairs creaking.