Cutie Pie Irwin

Chapter 16

"Mom, can I talk to you?" Ashton asked when he arrived at home.

He had taken the bus today, out of fear that Varia would kill him if he rode home with Luke again.

In fact, she had scared him so much that he and Luke hadn't even been able to talk today, and when he saw Varia with Luke's phone at lunch, he refrained from texting.

She's probably deleted his number from Luke's phone any ways.

"Of course my little munchkin! I'm in the backyard!" She called.

Ashton let his back pack fall to the floor as he walked outside.

His mom was bent over her garden again, wearing a ridiculous hat. "What's up, Cutie?"

"Um...promise you won't freak out?" Ashton asked. "It's not that big a deal..."

"You're pregnant?" She gasped. "It's Luke's child right! Right! Oh my life is so exciting! Boy or girl? How many months are you?"

"Mom I'm not pregnant! I'm a guy, I can't even get pregnant!" Ashton rolled his eyes. He sat on the grass. "Actually, it's about this girl."

"Oh." Mrs. Irwin dropped her gardening tools. "Hoe."

"Excuse me?" Ashton exclaimed.

"Nothing, just dropped my hoe." She said, picking it back up. "Does Luke know about this....girl?"

Ashton nodded.

"What's her name? What does she have the Luke doesn't? Boobs aren't that great a thing, don't let anatomy sway your sexual preferences. And don't forget periods, those things are nasty. Whenever you think of that girl, think of her on her period and I guarantee she will become less attractive every time." Mrs. Irwin preached.

"Ew, mom! No! I don't like Varia!" Ashton exclaimed and shuddered. "That's her name, by the way. But no, I hate her and she hates me. She's Luke's girlfriend and she keeps thinking that Luke is her property and I'm some type of thief." He sighed. "She's been threatening me and telling me to stay away from Luke."

Mrs. Irwin stood up and started walking away. Confused, Ashton jumped up and followed her. "Mom? Where are you going?"

"Gunna slap a ho with a hoe." She said, holding the gardening tool tightly. She swung it around a few times. "I'll give her head to Harry for baseball practice. How dare she come between my OTP?!"

"Oh my God mom don't! You'll go to jail!" Ashton said, pulling back on her shirt to try and slow her pace.

"You say that as if I don't look bammin slammin bootylicious in orange jumpsuits." She karate chopped the air with her weapon.

"Mom seriously! You don't even know where she lives!" Ashton cried. He jumped on her back.

"I will decapitate every girl in this town if I have to!" She declared.

"You promised you wouldn't freak out!" Ashton yelled.

"I didn't, actually. You asked that and I asked if you were pregnant, remember? It happened like a minute ago." She said, spinning her hoe around. "Whoops, almost just stabbed you with this, lol. Duck."

Ashton ducked as the tool swung over his head. "Mom stop! Murder doesn't solve anything!"

"Says you." She kicked the air and stabbed it with the hoe. "Still got it!"

"Please mom, she'll tell the principal and I'll be expelled." Ashton pleaded.

She finally stopped and sighed. "Ugh, God. Fine. Fiiiiiiiiiine." She jammed the tool into the ground. "Fine fine fine. But this is definitely not over. Once I see that girl, I will personally become her chaotic demon and follow her until she dies."

"Thank you." Ashton sighed in relief. He slid off her back. "I need to go to Luke's place now to talk to him, don't follow me." He narrowed his eyes at her and she held her hands up in surrender.

He turned the other way and started towards Luke's house. They hadn't been able to talk at school, so now would be a good time.

He didn't know if he could continue to be Luke's nerd. Not with Varia breathing down his back.

By the time he arrived at Luke's front door, he made his decision.

He knocked on the door. After a few moments, it opened and Ashton came face to face with Varia.

"Ashyyyy!" She trilled. "So good to see you! Please, come in!"

Ashton gave her a look and stepped back. "What? Are you okay? You know you hate me, right?"

She giggled. "You're so funny! So funny." She grabbed his shirt and yanked him inside.

Ashton stumbled into the living room. There were pillows and blankets on the couch, a movie was on the TV and bowls of snacks sat atop the cofee table.

"Lukey and I were just having a movie day. You should join us!" She grabbed his hand and sat them down on the couch.

"Where's Luke?" Ashton asked, prying her grip off him.

"Bathroom." She leaned in towards him. "We have a few minutes to ourselves, he just left."

Ashton leaned back as she leaned in, until he landed on his back on the couch. She hovered over him. "Where are you going?" She laughed.

"G-get off." Ashton trembled. "I just n-need to talk to L-Luke."

"I read your guys's text messages today." She whispered menacingly. "He doesn't call me princess."

"Well hun, thats cos your a bitch." Ashton said.

She gasped and glared. "You know what Luke hates more than anything?"

"Fake spray tans?" Ashton asked, eyeing her skin.

She shoved him harder on the couch. "Cheaters. I'm going to make him hate you, even if you guys aren't dating."

The heard the sound of a flush and the sink running upstairs, and Varia smirked. "I told you, Luke. Is. Mine."

And as Luke came down the stairs, she crashed her lips against Ashton's.