The Truth Is... [Brallon]

IF I SURRENDER

BRENDON'S POV :

I've been doing better because of Rylee, or at least I thought I was until Breezy's name was mentioned this morning. I don't know why the name was so triggering. She was a ghost of the past. Right?

It's not like Dallon would deliberately hurt me again. Right? I guess it doesn't matter anymore. Nothing does except for Rylee and my music. I missed Dallon. I did. But, all he's ever done was hurt me. Why can't I let him go? I don't want to. That's why. I guess I'm a sucker for pain. A masochistic love.

Rylee is currently with Tyler and Christine as promised, and of course, they were overjoyed to see her again. They've never had any issues with keeping her for a few hours even though it was mostly Christine or Cam that would be watching her since Tyler is just as busy as me.

God, am I stupid for forgiving him? I should've known that he wouldn't change or even want to. Why would he change for me? He told me there wasn't anyone after Ryan. Yet, he fully admitted to hooking up with Breezy after the breakup.

What has my life become? Seriously. It's so fucked up that I can't even wrap my mind around the shitty logic behind my life.

I roll my eyes and scoff, tossing the pin on the table, and I watch as it skids across the paper that had new lyrics written on them. So let me fall, let me break.

I watch until it stops at the end of the table. My eyes follow the hand that picks it up, examining it like it was the most interesting thing.

Dallon has been talking all day. I just pretend to listen. I haven't said anything all day. I don't have the motivation to. I just want to sleep. Under everything unsaid.

I can feel myself slipping into another depression and I honestly don't know why it affected me so badly. I mean, I should trust him. Right? He's been trying to change for the better, for Rylee and me. That's what he tells me anyway, and I thought things have changed. I just don't know if I can believe him after years of lies. Just let me die 'cause I can't take living with what's in my head.

Sometimes my lyrics can take a dark turn when slumping into depression. I personally haven't released any of the darker stuff, but I know a few people that would love them.

I've heard of a band that likes the depressing shit. Citizen something or other. I might ask their producer if they would be interested in the song. If I surrender, surrender to the monsters in me.

In the past, I didn't have anyone and I would probably let my thoughts get the better of me. I'm not alone anymore. I have Rylee and a few friends. I couldn't let my damaged thoughts ruin me anymore. Will, it set me free?

Dallon's sitting across from me. Still talking. I don't see why he feels the need to constantly talk. I was pretending to listen while I look down at the lyrics written down on the white page.

Lately, I've been feeling so ashamed by these thoughts I'm hiding in my brain. 'cause I've been holding them down but they twist me violently. I'm hanging by a thread tonight, but this time I don't wanna be saved.

I sigh and push away from the table, and walk out of the kitchen. I needed to be alone for a while. Maybe gather my thoughts about this. I feel like I'm making something out of nothing. My heart tells me to believe Dallon, but my head is telling me to run and never look back to escape the pain.

Dallon didn't take the hint. I want to be alone yet, he kept following me around the house. I'm not going anywhere, in particular, just trying to find a room that doesn't have Dallon in it. But, that was impossible because he's following me around like Rylee's puppy Bogart. I look back and sure enough, the little shit is following me too.

I sigh and abruptly stop. Dallon bumps into my back and Bogart runs into Dallon's shin. If I weren't depressed, I'd laugh. I don't. I only look at Dallon with an expressionless gaze. "What. do. you. want. Dallon." I've finally had enough of this shit.

"I - I - well -" It's like he's afraid of me or the fact I finally said something. Who could blame him?

I stand there and watch him stumble over his words, still having the best poker face.

Dallon inhales. "I want to take you and Rylee out tonight and tomorrow night I want to take you out. Just you and me. I - I recognize the signs, Bren. 'You shouldn't be alone.'"

I frown when my own words were used against me. That's a low blow. But, I can't help the small smile that appears from the offer. It sounds nice. Should I allow this to happen? Should I have allowed any of this to happen, to let him back in my life?

Trust has been a very hard thing for me to accept. I don't trust very many people because of the man standing in front of me. I trusted most of my friends and Rylee. Okay, maybe I just still didn't trust Dallon.

"Sure."

Wait. WHAT? Where the fuck did that come from?

Fuck.

Dallon moves closer and looks down at me with a wide grin. It's a little awkward until his arms wrap around my waist and I instantly relax into the embrace, hiding my face in his chest.

My body is my own worst enemy and my number one traitor.

"Thank you," Dallon whispers, kissing the top of my head, and I was practically put all my weight into the hold he had on me. I haven't felt this relaxed in two years, maybe even longer.

I nod against his chest.

God, I hope he doesn't fuck this up again.

"Should we go pick up Rylee?" Dallon suggests, squeezing my waist a little tighter to pull me closer. I know it wasn't meant to be anything other than for the contact. I need it too if I'm being honest. Fuck, now I sound like a clingy schoolgirl.

My eyes roll from the thought even though the unkind voice inside my head wasn't wrong.

I nod again but don't try to move away.

We stand there in the stillness for at least five minutes before Dallon breaks the silence. I feel a puff of breath against the top of my head because of a chuckle. "Come on, Bren. We should get Rylee before it gets too late." Too late?

I look at the clock on the living room wall. 7:38 P.M. That can't be right. It was just 5:30 when I -

It wasn't five minutes after all. Dallon let me hug him for two hours... God, he did always give the best hugs.

My eyes widen at the realization and nod again, reluctantly letting him go and fixed the laples of his button-up like a doting parent. Force of habit I suppose. I didn't realize I was frowning, but Dallon seemed to notice.

"Don't worry, baby. You can have all the cuddles tonight if you want them," Dallon whispers in my ear, kisses the top of my head, and pulls away. "I can stay over again if that's something you want."

"I'd like that," I say before I realize what happened.

I'm so fucked.