fragments of my life [MERDER]

ONE

Meredith and Derek got back from their unspoken silence in the car ride back to their house from the hospital, both gingerly striding behind one another towards the bedroom that they shared. Meredith sat on the side of the bed, despondence written all over her tired features. Derek, meanwhile, began to undress himself, pulling his buttoned-up shirt from where it was previously tucked into his trousers, his belt buckle jingling as it fell to the floor.

Meredith was completely consumed by her thoughts. She thought she was a good surgeon, maybe even a great one, but her husband made her doubt her every capability just then. That surgery that the two had to endure just then was nothing short of a horror show. Meredith knew exactly what she was doing; he should have known, he was the one who taught her. It was a successful surgery; there were zero complications, not even a threat of a mis-step on Meredith's part. To any other neurosurgery attending that could have sat in that surgery to observe her skill, they would have praised her and said she was incredible in there, but because it was Derek, and Derek was inexplicably angry at her all hours of the day, he instead settled on critiquing her every move. Meredith didn't understand where his rage specifically at her surgical skill was coming from; she got the right clip, just like she'd been taught, and she clipped the aneurysm, no problems, no doubt. Meredith had complete confidence in what she was doing, and Derek should have too, but he would rather constantly position himself against her, incapable trusting her, or her judgement. Derek and Meredith, they weren't a team in there. They hadn't been in a while.

"Derek", she spoke softly, attempting to grab her husband's attention without looking him directly in the eyes. She was too afraid that his eyes might display his true feelings that his words could not capture. He simply stomped his foot down against their carpeted floor to signal to her that he was listening.

"We should never have been in that OR together today". Meredith said with as much calm as she could muster, not daring to look at Derek across the room from her.

"What do you mean?" Derek retorted sternly.

"We're not a team, anywhere. And when we get Zola back, before we get that phone call, we need to figure out if we can be one, if we can even be together, so, now's the time to say how you feel." 

Meredith exhaled, her mind racing and her body beginning to shiver, almost as if it were bracing for impact, at the things that might be about to come out of her husband's mouth.

"I can't, I'm gonna say things that are, uh..." Derek hesitated, refusing to speak his mind. 

Meredith was just getting angrier by the second, so she took a glance at her husband behind her, hoping to find a fragment of his true emotion hidden in his sapphire blue orbs, but he was keeping it very well hidden.

"Oh, Derek, just say it. Whatever it is, we can deal with it. I can accept the consequences." 

Meredith sighed. They needed to fix this, whatever this was, if not for their marriage, for their professional relationship. She couldn't stand exchanging a few bitter words a day with the man that was supposed to be her husband, neither daring to actually communicate the real, raw emotion they were feeling. Meredith wanted to declare neurosurgery. It didn't look like that was going to happen now, did it? It couldn't with their relationship as strained as it was.

"Meredith, you have never accepted a consequence in your life. Since the moment you switched those files, you haven't suffered one bit... While those around you have lost their jobs and lost their reputations." 

Derek yelled, angrily, every word that exited his mouth accompanied by an acidic sting to Meredith's heart. The tirade Derek had just launched at her, that was something that she wasn't expecting. Meredith was expecting the passive aggressiveness, the occasional raising of his voice, but the sheer vexed tone of Derek's speech almost made Meredith shake where she sat.