I lost myself loving you || a.hotchner

1

When I started at the BAU, I was properly ready, a bounce in my step, stars in my eyes as I pushed through those logo printed glass doors. It was the change I had thought I had needed, the new start that I had craved so deeply. For the most part, it was, truly.

I loved that job with everything I was, it was one that was hard at times, but the people I worked with, they made it worth while, even the hard cases and all. Even despite me being the newest on the team, I was welcomed in warmly with open arms, quite literally.

The first interaction I had was with a bubbly blonde dressed head to toe in bright colors, who swooped me into a tight hug and welcomed me to the team, shortly after offering me cookies. At that moment, as everyone else greeted me like I was family, I remember believing that this taking this job was the best decision I had ever made. Yet I was gravely wrong and those happy memories of my first day became bittersweet to think back on as I sat alone in my apartment, my badge no longer mine.

All because I lost myself playing a game I was warned not to touch, a game I was told I'd lose. A game that I had in fact, lost. All for a man that I'd definitely do it all over again for. I know he would too.

Aaron Hotchner at his core, was good. He tried his best to please everyone around him. He tried to be selfless and considerate and he did a good job of that too. He was a good man, with a big heart, who was good at his job. But he isn't the best at communicating, and anyone could tell you that. He could be stubborn and a little bit of an ass when provoked and he could have one hell of a temper when having a bad day.

It wasn't inherently his fault, I know how his father was, he never properly learned how to fully regulate his emotions and though he did a good job at it on his own, he slipped up a lot under extreme stress. A high stress job plus a full time relationship could be considered extreme stress given a certain amount of circumstances. Especially with a job like ours.

Yet I truly didn't care, I really didn't even think twice about it. I still loved him, flaws and all. The moment I saw him, he looked up from his desk and his big beautiful brown eyes met mine, and I immediately thought he was the most beautiful man I had ever seen in my entire life.

And when he gave me a small smile before he stood up, a gentleman he his, as he outstretched his hand to shake mine, nodding a bit with this little twinkle in his eyes, I knew right then and there that man would hold my heart closer than anyone I've ever met before, truly. I guess I'm a good profiler because that turned out to be exactly the truth, I think I loved him more than I even expected to right then.

I know he felt the same way, he had to. I dont think I've ever seen him look at someone the way he looks at me. I swear he had heart eyes when he stared at me, like I was the only woman he'd ever love. I hoped it to be true. Yet now, I wish things had gone differently.
I lost myself loving Aaron Hotchner.