I lost myself loving you || a.hotchner

23

I had waken up covered in a thin blanket of sweat, and I could feel dried tears on my cheeks as I had stared up at the ceiling, breathing in and out heavily trying to catch my breath. My brain felt like it went through a meat grinder and the ache in my chest made my head hurt all that much worse than it originally had prior.

Everything just hurt so badly. Emotional pain was manifesting into physical and it caused a tender ache to take over my bones and hold them against their will. It was just pure hell. I was living in a never ending hell.

I instinctively reached over to the other side of the bed for comfort but my hands met cool sheets due to the lack of body heat and I started crying again. It's weird how the brain can process the loss of a loved one. Sometimes I'll forget he's even gone and then.. it all comes back. It rushes me and it hurts so bad that some days I feel like it'll kill me. And I always wish that it would.

I glanced over at the photo of him on my nightstand, a memory frozen in time of his beautiful smile. So lively and beautiful. My sweet boy.. dead. I squeezed my eyes shut and looked away. That photo used to make me smile everytime I saw it now all it does is bring me so much pain. Pain that I know for as long as I live, I'll never shake. It'll grow woth me until the day I'm dead.

I slowly sat up, rubbing at my face. I can't avoid thinking about him on the day of his funeral. It's not right to avoid. Though its never really right to avoid someone's death. To act like it just never happened go begin with. Sometimes that's just easier though.

On the way to the funeral home I was silent. I wasn't deemed safe or mentally stable enough to drive myself so Rossi picked me up and we sat in complete silence most of the way there. I had nothing to say. Not today. I don't think he really had anything to say either. He didn't play music, we didn't talk, and I just wished I was dead.

I didn't want to get out of the car once we stopped. I knew this was it. This would tie it all together of making this way too real and I wasn't sure how I'd handle it. I don't think I really can handle this. I've been on the edge of cracking since I seen him laying dead in that morgue and this may just push me fully. I don't think I can do this.

"C'mon Mio Amor, he's waiting." Rossi says gently and a few tears rolled down my face as I nodded before I got out, wiping them away. I immediately was greeted by the rest of the team and Derek engulfed me in a hug. I could tell that he had been crying and it made me not feel so alone. Everyone else had sunglasses on so I could take a guess.

"It's gonna be okay pretty baby." Derek mumbled, rubbing my back as he squeezed me tight and I just held onto him tighter because I didn't believe that it would be okay. How could it be? How do you live with the extreme guilt of getting someone you love killed? I'd just imagine that you simply don't. You just force yourself to live with it.

We pulled away and made our ways to the front where I made sure we'd all be seated. I purposely set it up so I'd speak about him last as I had to prepare myself to even see him in that casket. I wasn't sure how I'd react and I just don't think it's gonna be all that good. It's gonna be really ugly probably.

Yet I found myself regretting being the last one to speak as everyone else's speeches about him just worked me up and made me cry. Rossi's was the worst because he just went on about their early memories together in the BAU and it set in that I killed a good lifelong friend to him. I don't know how he can look at me without wanting to punch me. Or worse. If I was in his shoes, I wouldn't be able to look me in the eyes.

  As he was sitting down a blonde woman who I didn't recognize stood up and requested to make a speech but I purposely had preset that only people who were immediately close to him would speak just so I knew no one would talk down at him at his own funeral. You never know with people and although both his parents passed I know a few people from his family did show up and if any of them were like his father, I didn't want to hear their opinions of him. Not while I'm in such a fragile state.