I lost myself loving you || a.hotchner

22

I hated hospitals. I never had any good memories hooked to them, though I'm not sure anyone really does. Everything about them is just.. sad. They smell too clean, the smell of cleaning alcohol overwhelming and the lights so bright they could totally induce a migraine.

The thing I hated most about them is the waiting room. Waiting. I never was good at that. It felt cruel to have to sit and wait while not knowing if your loved one is currently dying on the operating table or not. My heart felt heavy at the thought as I stared at the shiny linoleum floor, my right leg bouncing up and down rapidly with anxiety, ignoring the stares of everyone from the team.

I had looked up when a little girl walked in, staring at me and then she said "Daddy did she kill someone?" while looking up at her father and her dad shot me an apologetic look as he ushered her to sit down and my face dropped as I looked back down at the floor.

It just hurt so much more not knowing the answer to that question. It's been two hours and we've still heard nothing. I don't know if I killed him or not. I didn't have the answer to that kind of question. I felt tears rush my eyes and I took in a deep gasp of air, my chest tightening with pain.

"Oh, mia dolce bambina, it's okay, it's okay shh, shh.." Rossi said, speaking Italian to me that I didn't process at the moment but I'm sure it was just a term of endearment considering how he said it. I felt him wrap an arm around me, rubbing my arm as he held me close and I felt myself start to cry again, tears rushing down my face silently.

"What if I did?" I asked, sniffling and he was silent. He knew what I was asking but he wasn't sure how to respond, he looked in thought for a bit before he had answered. Clearly trying to be careful with his words.

"Hm? What if you did what bimba?" He asked and I sniffled, tears still rolling down my face and he looked at me sadly before wiping a few tears, shushing me as he continued to rub my arm, comforting me the best he could in a situation such as this.

"What if I killed him?" I ask and he tsked at me like I had just said the silliest thing in the world. Yet I don't think that reassured me all that much as he had hoped that it would. I was just in so much pain.

"He's okay." He says and anxiety crept in again, my knee bouncing again nervously. We don't know that. What if he's dying right now? And I can't do a single thing to help him. Hell, I fucking caused it if so. God.

"You didn't hurt him, you didn't pull the trigger." Penelope says. She doesn't know the full context of the situation because she didn't hear us over the mics. She didn't hear me fail to be a good agent and member of this team. To hear me basically kill our boss.

"I failed to clear the room, Penny I even argued with him about it when he called me out on it which distracted him from clearing it himself. If I had just shut up, he wouldn't have gotten hurt." I say and she just looked sad but didn't disagree like I could tell she wanted to. She didn't want me to blame myself even though it's evidently my fault.

"You're right you neglected to do your job correctly and if agent Hotchner passes from this injury you gave him I will have your gun and badge." I hear Strauss say and my head snapped to the doorway. She's straight to the point, isn't she? How sympathetic of her. Glad to see she cares so much about him.

"This is also why fraternization is strictly forbidden. It gets people hurt." She says, as if I had forced him to be with me or something. Our relationship had nothing to do with this, what so ever. What's her fucking problem? I opened my mouth to snap at her but JJ beat me to it.

"Well good thing he's gonna be alright." JJ says, a bit snappy and Strauss looked at her with raised eyebrows and I never wanted to punch someone more than I did in that exact moment. I fucking hate her. How can you act like that while someone who works for you is in surgery and possibly dying?