I lost myself loving you || a.hotchner

12

The ride home was silent. I wasn't sure what to say and Aaron was just quiet. After I told him I wasn't sure I wanted a kid, he simply slowly nodded, suggested we head home and thanked the doctor and that was it. He was upset and I wasn't sure if it was at me or just in general. I wondered if he hated the world or if he had hated me and it did scare me, just a bit. Surely something like this wouldn't ruin our relationship? We'd work through this, we always do.

He parked the car in our driveway and when he didn't immediately get out, neither did I. We were both silent for a bit and right when I was about to say something, he spoke up. "You really don't want to keep our baby?" He asks and when he turned to look at me, all I could do was shake my head and he just looked like he was feeling so many emotions and none of them were positive ones.

"..well, I don't think that's fully fair." He says and I just stared at him. "How? We agreed we didn't want kids. Aaron, think rationally." I say and he gripped the steering wheel and took in a shaky sharp breath, while nodding his head. "I know at the end, it's your choice. It's your body, but I'd like even.. just a tiny bit of a say? The baby is mine too." He says and sure but all I could think about is the fact that we agreed to not have children while working this job. The kid would grow up not seeing its parents and that's no way for a kid to grow up.

"It wouldn't be fair for a kid to grow up without daddy and mommy ever being home. I don't want someone else raising our kid." I say and I think it fully sunk in for him because he bit his lip, stiffly shook his head and left the car without saying anything else and I sighed as I watched him walk into the house silently. He justs needs a minute.

I waited five minutes, letting the nausea calm down before heading back into the house myself, and walking in you would've swore no one was home. It felt empty. I slowly walked up the stairs, careful not too make to much noise as I approached the closed bedroom door. I couldn't hear anything so I quietly opened it and stepped inside. Aaron was sitting on the bed, holding the picture of me from his bedside table, staring down at it. I hope he understands where I'm coming from. Considering the lack of arguing, I'm assuming he does. It's just a hard pill to swallow.

"Honey..?" I ask softly and he looked up, a sad look in his eyes and he put the picture back before patting the spot next to me. "I'm not mad at you. I'm just.. I do want kids with you." He says and I walked over to sit next to him, grabbing his hand in mine. "A, so do I. But not now. I want to focus on us and our job right now. We have years upon years to decide to have kids. You understand where I'm coming from right? I'm not trying to be unfair or like you don't have a choice." I say and he nodded, squeezing my hand. "Can we wait a week before deciding? That's all I ask. If you at the end of the week decide you truly don't want a kid yet, I'll fully support you. Is that okay?" Aaron asks softly and I nod, softly smiling. Wouldn't make a difference but if it'll make him feel like he has a choice as well I didn't mind I guess.

"Yeah, that's okay. Thank you for not getting mad at me." I say and he immediately pulled me in for a hug. "Hey, I'd never get mad at you for not doing something you don't want to do. I'd never force you to do anything. That's more then fair than not giving me a choice in the matter. It was just.. a really hard pill to swallow. That's on me not you okay? I love you darling." He whispers and I squeezed him back, running my fingers through his hair as he pressed his face into the crook of my neck. "Thank you. I love you too my sweet boy. You know that." I say softly and he nodded softly. We sat there for a moment, me stroking his hair softly, enjoying being in each others arms. I was just glad that we settled this for the most part. I was just grateful for him respecting my decision. I knew he had just been upset not at me but just in general. We're okay.

We both sighed as his work phone rang, meaning we most likely have a case. "You don't have to go with us, I know you haven't been feeling well lately." He says and I shake my head. "I'll go, if I need to step out I'll step out. I miss everyone." I say and he looked in thought and nodded, answering the phone. "Hotchner." He says and I just softly smiled at him and I could tell he was holding back one too as well which made my heart burst with nothing but just pure adoration. Sadly we did have a case and had to head in, but thankfully I didn't feel like I was gonna vomit everywhere yet so that was a plus side. As we walked in, a guy bumped shoulders with me, and without thinking I immediately put my hand over my stomach and Aaron noticed because he just gave me a side smile. It didn't change my viewpoint, I just feel like until the abortion, I should be careful. It's more of a moral thing than me wanting the kid.