I lost myself loving you || a.hotchner

13

Somehow I had managed to keep it together for the most part. I think I was just so in shock I really couldn't react. Until the doctor came in and broke the news I knew we were gonna hear. It shouldn't have bothered me, yet it did. "You had a miscarriage due to the trauma you received to your abdomen. We're so sorry. We ca-" the words all just blurred together after that. I felt tears swell in my eyes and I felt such a red hot anger boil within me. I didn't want this to go down like this. I wanted control of the situation.

"Get out." I said stiffly and the doctor had stopped talking, confused. "I said get the fuck out!" I yell and he closed his mouth, nodding before turning, and left. "Y/n.." Aaron says softly and I just shook my head. "I wanted to end it on my own term. Not like this." I say and he softly nodded, clearly upset as well. This is probably hard for him as well. I looked at him, holding my hand out to him and he immediately grabbed my hand in his and I brought his hand towards me, pressing a soft kiss to his knuckles. "I'm sorry this happened sweet boy. I know this is hard for you too." I mumble and I felt him place a hand on the back of my head.

"It's harder for you. You're in pain physically and mentally. I'll be here for anything you need. I'm sorry we're going through this. I love you." He says softly, a sweet gentleness to his words. The worst part, that guy wasn't even our UnSub, so that was all for nothing. The team came to see me and they all had so many questions about what exactly happened and I couldn't even think of a good lie, so I just told the truth. "Oh.. honey I'm so sorry." JJ says, a genuine concern in her eyes as she rubbed my shoulder and I just nodded with teary eyes.

"You were pregnant..?" Spencer asks and I slowly nodded. "We weren't gonna keep the baby, we weren't ready but this.. isn't how we wanted it to happen and it's.. too much." I say and Aaron squeezed my hand and I let my eyes flutter close. "I'm so sorry, mio amor." Rossi says, and I offered a smile as best as I could, though it was clear that it was just not a genuine one.

To add salt to the wound, the doctor suggested I don't work for the next week so when I got discharged I was sent to the hotel room instead of going back to precinct to help put together a new profile which bothered me even more. This day couldn't get any fucking worse. I just had to sit in my hotel room by myself, ignoring the occasional ding my phone would give. I assumed it was just the team checking up on me and I just didn't want to get out of bed or move enough to grab my phone. I didn't care enough.

I slept through the night, ignoring the knock I got on my door at some point, sleeping through till about 12. I had to get up when frantic knocking was banging on my door. I wiped at my face, walking over to unlock and tug open the door. Aaron stood on the other side, concern on his face. "Oh honey, you concerned me. You weren't answering your phone. May I sit with you?" He asks and I couldn't help the small smile that made it's way to my face as I nodded, stepping aside to let him in. "I wanna keep you updated on the case since you aren't physically able to help." Aaron says as I closed the door. "My sweet boy.." I say softly, grabbing one of his hand in mine as we sat on the bed and a pretty blush dusted his cheeks softly.

They didn't have any new leads but they had a few people in mind that could potentially be the UnSubs but due to the mishap that happened, they have to be 120% sure now before doing anything at all which made it all that much more difficult. I felt bad even though it wasn't my fault. I couldn't help but blame myself. "Stop thinking, none of what happened is on you. You're too hard on yourself." Aaron says says and I let out a soft sigh, turning to look at him. "So are you." I say gently and he looked in thought before nodding slowly.

"That's something we should both work on then huh?" He says, a lighthearted tone to his words and I slowly nod. "How are you feeling? Physically I mean." Aaron asks and I shrug. "My stomach hurts. The bruises are sore but I've had worse. I know one thing for certain though." I say and he hummed, urging me to continue. "I will never forget to take my birth control unless intentional ever again." I say and he chuckled, running his thumb over the back of my hand softly before lifting his arm to wrap it around me, holding me close. "You're forgetful, I'll remind you until you don't want me to." He says, nuzzling his head against my shoulder and I squeezed his hand gently.