his weakness

thirty

N O L A N

Kenzie. Kenzie. Kenzie. Kenzie. It's all been about Kenzie. It's like her face, her body, her everything has been engraved into my frontal lobe. And there's absolutely nothing that can get rid of these consuming thoughts about her. Since the day I lost my virginity, I've always been around girls. And not once have I thought about them for any longer than half an hour. Suddenly, this girl wants to come into my life and flip my mentality upside down.

It's a disgusting feeling, I'll tell you that. Constantly having only one person on your mind that you know you can't have. With the life that I have, having only one girl is almost impossible. She'll eventually get killed, and she's one person who I can't let that happen to. I chose this life, and I'd choose it again. The power it brings me, and the shit I'm able to do is like no other feeling. People are scared of me shitless and nothing can top that ability. I love it, I crave it, and I need it.

Therefore, developing anything, and I mean even an atom of feeling for Kenzie is prohibited. We haven't declared ourselves as a couple to anyone and she's already been attacked. It haunts me till this day and I'm going to find that person until I'm wiped off this earth.

I can't get on with my life knowing someone hurt her and got away with it. I've been struggling to sleep thinking about, my days when she's not there filled with tired, exhausted hours of figuring out who the hell was behind that fucked up scheme. What makes it far worse is that it's been weeks since it took place yet I haven't even found a suspect. This is the longest it's taken me to find someone that I want. And, I'll be damned if I don't.

Whoever's after me has their shit sorted out, they must be incredibly smart and lucky for hiding their identity for this long. But I never give up, and I never will.

Right now, the one element that I'm aware of is that I've dug myself a deep, deep hole. One that I genuinely can't get out of unless I break Kenzie's heart. I physically can't bring myself to do that because then I'll never see her. And unfortunately, I've gotten so used to seeing her, it's become a part of my daily routine. I don't want to get rid of that ability anytime soon.

So, I'm going to play safe. It'll all work out if me and her do a strangers with benefits type of thing. Not friends, we are not friends. It's best if we don't call ourselves that. I don't want Kenzie to be my friend. It just doesn't feel right and instead, really weird.

But that's me. I don't know how she'll feel about it when I tell her because we've fucked two times, any more than that, then I'm afraid of what's coming for us. Yeah, for the first time, me, afraid.

It's been about five hours since we all left the swimming pool. This whole time, I've been rolling pre-rolled blunts for daily customers who prefer their drugs ready to go. The smell is something I've lived with for years now, a scent that I'm so used to, I can't even tell when the house smells purely like marijuana.

"All jokes aside, are you and Kenzie really fucking?" Sam queries, while weighing the grams of weed on a scale. The boys and I sit on the couches, with a large coffee table crowded with heaps of narcotics, preparing them for our drug deals.

I kiss my teeth, rolling my eyes backwards while I lick the paper horizontally, forming it into a perfect joint. "Do you want me to spell out the word 'no'?" I sarcastically remark, pushing the weed and tobacco further down into the roach with a wooden stick